Balkan Driving 101

A little faith and a mean right hook

Some of the street signs here are a good indication: Run for your life.

Emotionally charged street sign.

Okay, technically that sign is to warn you about children playing nearby; the PedX sign is less dramatic.

But, still — you get the idea.

If you’re a pedestrian here, that’s about all you need to know. That, and the fact that you’re a very brave person.

But if you dare to get behind the wheel yourself, then buckle up: this shit is on another level.

The first thing to do is surrender yourself to the chaos of this universe. Nowhere can you experience that chaos like the Balkan road.

These streets have their own set of rules, ones which bend the limits of space and time. To know them is to forget everything you think you already know about driving.

It’s not a two-way street until you make it one. And yes, that is a child standing in the road.

Forget the street signs and traffic lights. Forget the lines running down the middle of the road. Hell, forget the road — you won’t need it.

No space? Is no problem.

Unleash your mind from such limits and your eyes will suddenly open to a world of possibilities, like:

• Stopping on the highway and putting the car in reverse. Now that’s fucking inspired.
• Tailgating and flashing your high beams until the driver in front of you finally merges — or until you burn a hole in his retinas
• Riding the brakes so you can give the blinking asshole behind you a hard time while your retinas start to singe
• Overtaking this piece of shit who keeps riding his brakes by all means necessary, to hell with on-coming traffic
• Using a highway entrance in the wrong direction (now is exit!)
• Honking endlessly when you find yourself stuck in gridlock because nobody else realized this fucking sucks
• Honking at the first guy who’s already honking while we’re all stuck in gridlock to let him know he’s a jackass
• Honking at the other two guys already honking in gridlock because why not, now it’s fun
• Honking at the car in front of you 0.0000001 seconds after the red light changes — “ ‘AJDE, IDI U KURAC” — because it’s go-time, motherfucker
• Throwing your hands in the air — “Ma šta je? Pička ti materina” — to visually express disapproval at the driver honking behind you
• Throwing your hands toward the other driver when you get out of the car to confront him: “Jesi normalan, bre?”
• Fist-fighting with the other driver because you need to teach him a lesson (Unless the driver is a woman — in which case, “Aoo, brate, jebi ga.” Fuck it.)
• Driving down the sidewalk because you’re smarter than all those miserable fucks back there still honking at the stoplight. (Pa vidi ga. Ho ho, ti si najpametniji, huh?)

Oh, and my personal favorite: The park-anywhere button. That one really is magical.

Ahh, so that’s what hazards are for!

P.S. Sorry some images are blurry. It’s a testament to the passenger experience.