Poetry Through Pain
I discovered a new way to get through my hysterectomy wait
waiting in limbo
for it to be over
but it’s only going to be
the beginning
When I was told in December that I had been put forward for a hysterectomy I was elated. I knew I’d have a wait but thought I could handle it, I massively overestimated myself.
The space in between my preop assessment and finding out the date felt like years, when in reality it was just over two months. I felt forgotten about and lost. I didn’t know what I could plan for and what I was supposed to do with myself. The five weeks wait from finding out the date until it actually happens have been going even slower (I believe we’re almost on week three).
i do not look
pregnant
i look like something is
destroying
me from the inside
As with most things in life, I wrote my way out. I wrote my feelings and tried to pour them all out onto the page. But some were too personal for blogging. That’s when I turned to poetry.
I rediscovered my love of poetry through my friend Katie, who writes incredibly emotive poems. I began buying collections en masse and was inspired by amazing female poets such as Amanda Lovelace, Kat Savage, Rupi Kaur, Yrsa Daley-Ward and Nayyirah Waheed who wrote their way through pain and onto something better.
the blood flows between my thighs
again
and
again
and
again
i was promised
a release
i got the same old heartache
I’ve never really written poetry before, I’ve never been good at the structure or flowery descriptions. When we think of poetry we often think of the classic stuff like that. But not all poetry uses the same rhyming structures we were taught at school or have to be 3 pages long.
I began writing poetry big and small, emotive and sometimes just very sweary. All to get out my feelings, to try and make sense of what was happening when my hormones took over my body and just made me want to scream. Those moments where I felt afraid or angry or passed over. It helped. It was there.
i didn’t know it was possible to be
over the moon relieved
mourn for something that is still there
excited for the future
and inexplicably terrified
all at the same time
-i got my operation date
I’ve been feeling lost with writing for a while, but I think I just needed to find a new medium. Writing is in my bones, it’s always there when I need it.
I get my hysterectomy on 18th April, and I plan to keep writing poetry throughout the process and recovery. Afterwards I’m hoping to self publish, so any help in doing this would be greatly appreciated.
stand up and tell them
i am not your pretty little play thing
i deserve respect
or i will take it
with my teeth
