Tell Me You Love Me:
The Importance of Building Trust in Thought-Partnerships
I had a conversation with a colleague today about our building’s equity work. My colleague is on the district equity committee, and after attending some district meetings, she’s been thinking about how best to have some necessary, but potentially difficult, conversations as a staff. In the past, I would have assured her that people would be open to those conversations, and that even if things got personal, that our staff would be vulnerable enough to engage. However, things have changed in my building.
Following the retirement of our longtime principal right before COVID started, we spent last year with a new principal and then transitioned to another new principal right before school started this year in August. It’s always hard to adjust to new leadership, but the change has felt particularly challenging to us this year, as there’s been real tension between our principal and our staff. It’s been tricky to put a finger on exactly what the issue is, but there have been indicators that our new leader doesn’t trust us. This has left many of us feeling insecure and unsure about where we stand and how best to proceed.
This uncertain feeling has had a real impact on how things are going this year, in ways big and small. It has made people suspicious of one another, and has quieted even our most boisterous voices. People have turned inward in an attempt to self-protect, so that conversations aren’t misheard or twisted. Discussions at staff meetings around the typical school issues, things like students wandering the hallways or poor attendance, have been uncomfortably quiet; these same conversations have been hearty and impassioned in the past, with a variety of staff members suggesting ideas and engaging in collective problem-solving. The thought that this new, quieted, walled-off staff might be able to authentically participate in conversations around equity feels absurd. People who don’t feel safe or seen or trusted simply cannot open up to real partnership and growth.
This truth is front and center in my head as we look to partner with students here at What We Can Become. Our students are coming back to school after a traumatic year and a half, where they’ve had a variety of experiences around academics and in their personal lives. Students at my alternative high school often come to us with years of school-related trauma, as students who have not been served by the traditional system. A history of being brushed aside, ignored, and made to feel as though they had nothing to offer has made some students suspicious of even the most sincere goodwill from teachers.
Thinking about all the benefits that come from student/teacher partnerships, I want to jump right into planning a project of some kind to propose to the high schoolers I work with. I want to think about the classes we could design, and the areas of passion we can tap into to really engage students. However, my experiences with new leadership this year has me pumping the brakes and taking a moment to consider how best to approach things. This year, even when I want to participate — when the topic at hand is something I’m enthusiastic about and my opinion and ideas are being explicitly solicited — not having an authentic and trusting relationship with my thought-partner has shut me down entirely. Despite recognizing that the outcome of partnering around a common goal will benefit me directly, not being sure of our relationship keeps me from engaging. I’m a grown-up — if I need relationship-forward reassurance and secure attachment to participate, I can’t imagine trying to partner with teenagers without providing the same for them.
Before I get too far ahead of myself and start thinking concretely about what I want to do with students, I need to make sure that how I am with students takes top priority. I’m going to start by modeling open communication and vulnerability around my curriculum, while reiterating to students that we’re a team when it comes to school. I’m going to remind them that our relationship matters to me, intentionally demonstrating that in as many ways as I can. I’m going to be extra mindful about the language I use with students, as well as my body language and facial expressions around them. I’m going to take steps to increase my one-on-one conferencing, making sure to build in time for conversation that’s entirely directed by students, on whatever topics they choose. I’m going to open my classroom door a little earlier in the morning, to see who wanders in for some extra connection (and then make sure I stop focusing on Google Slides and give them my full attention). My first steps in crafting an ongoing partnership with my students is to make sure I’m truly treating them as partners, before we even look at doing work together.
I don’t know what is going to happen with my staff and our leadership the rest of this year, or beyond that. I don’t know if I’ll start to feel more secure about how I’m viewed or whether my work is seen and valued (gosh, I sure hope so). But I do know that I will be making sure that my students feel seen and heard, confident in their value and respected (and loved) for who they are.
