The Year to Come

As the few hours left in 2015 dwindle, it is time for your fearless forecaster to put his perfect record on the line by setting forth my predictions for the coming year. 2016 is, of course, a Presidential election year, but, as always, the world will bring wonderful and terrible events. Let’s hope that it will be a good one for all of you and brings you good fortune, health and happiness.

January

America’s version of the Roman Coliseum, the NFL playoffs, arrive in full force. The league succeeds in keeping all advertising about Will Smith’s new movie, Concussion, off the air, and the Cardinals and Patriots head to the Super Bowl.

February

Chris Christie is the big winner at the Iowa caucuses by convincing the religious right in that state that he had been born again all along, and accusing Ted Cruz of being a Muslim. Eddie Redmayne makes history by winning both Best Actor and Best Actress at the Oscars for his portrayal of Lili Elbe, an early transgender pioneer, in The Danish Girl. Presenter Laverne Cox declares that “inside every great man is a greater woman.” The Cardinals sweep to a Super Bowl victory after Patriots star, Tom Brady, refuses to play until he is paid as much as his wife.

March

Financial markets soar as Republican frontrunner Donald Trump claims that he has a secret plan to cure cancer. “It’s going to be amazing,” Trump declares. His poll numbers also rise after he states that women are “genetically unfit to be President.” Facing angry backlash among female voters, he denies that it was an attack on expected opponent Hillary Clinton, challenging her to produce a birth certificate that “proves she actually is a woman.”

April

Oil drops to $18 as President Obama uses an executive order to proclaim Tesla the official car of the United States. As each Republican Presidential candidate declaims Obama’s dictatorial move to advance his socialist agenda, Chinese Premier Li Keqiang steps out of a smog-inundated Beijing to announce his support for Obama’s move and an agreement to manufacture the latest model Tesla in Shenzhen.

May

The Run for the Roses at Churchill Downs ends with Make America Great Again winning the Kentucky Derby. Owner Donald Trump accepts the winner’s trophy while praising Mexican jockey Santiago Ramirez as among the few of his countrymen “who are good people.” John Kasich, Carly Fiorini and Jeb Bush exit the Presidential race with a total of zero delegates. They throw their support to Marco Rubio as “the least nutty of the bunch.”

June

The Mets, freed from their history of budgetary restraint by their new owner, Donald Trump, sign every available free agent and lead the NL East by 46 games. Make America Great Again sweeps the Triple Crown by vanquishing the field at the Belmont Stakes, beating runner-up Rubio’s Ruse by 52 lengths.

July

At the Republican Convention in Cleveland, favorite Donald Trump shocks the world by declining the nomination and announcing his support for Hillary. Trump forcefully denies that the sudden decision has anything to do with the Clinton Foundation’s $3 billion grant to Trump’s development project for casinos in every state on the East Coast. Standing next to the real estate mogul, Bill Clinton states, “there is nothing that can alleviate poverty faster than a pocketful of coins and a good day at the slots.” The Republicans turn to the last man stupid enough to believe he could win, Chris Christie, who accepts the nomination by saying, “I need to do something to avoid being run out of New Jersey.”

August

At the Democratic Convention in Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton is proclaimed the Party’s nominee and praises her challenger Bernie Sanders for “having the worst hair in the field.” She defuses the charge that her husband Bill will really be running the show by naming Monica Lewinsky as her running mate. In her acceptance speech, she declares, “only two women wronged by the same man have what it takes to defeat ISIS and stand up to Putin.”

September

Vladimir Putin is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize after pulling out of Crimea and signing a contract with the Detroit Red Wings. After being told that you can’t just declare yourselves Stanley Cup champions, Putin retreats to a monastery and emerges as a partner in Trump’s casino venture.

October

In a series of debates, Clinton and Christie decide to determine who will be tougher on terrorism by arm wrestling. The Mets clinch the World Series with their 130th win of the season, defeating the Cleveland Indians. MVP Diego Munoz is deported to El Salvador, and Mets owner Donald Trump starts converting Citi Field to condos.

November

Hillary Clinton wins 45 states, including New Jersey, to become the first female President. Bill Clinton announces that he will use half of the $6 billion in speaking fees he earned this year to establish a generation skipping trust for his granddaughter, Charlotte, to become President in 2052. Asked why he passed over his daughter, Chelsea, Clinton replies, “what do you think this is, Argentina?”

December

President Obama uses his last month in office to issue an executive order declaring his lifetime right to “play through on the golf course.” He fulfills a life-time dream by signing with the Chicago Bulls, invoking the right to pardon himself for any fouls he commits. Presidential election loser Chris Christie resigns as Governor of New Jersey to write a political thriller called The Bridges of Hudson County.

Happy New Year to all!


Originally published at gnallornothing.tumblr.com.