Attempting to start a church life (Gnosis, or the Heart of an Angel. Part one. chapter 5)

In 2002, I made another attempt at starting a church life by attending St Panteleimon church in Vera district. I was determined to follow every rule, including fasting and attending mass. However, the sheer number of people gathered there created such a suffocating environment that it was difficult to maintain an exalted state. My thoughts were consumed with trying not to step on anyone’s feet, burn someone’s hair with my candle, and find a breath of fresh air so I wouldn’t faint. Even standing near the doorway didn’t help as I couldn’t hear the mass and felt alienated.

Surprisingly, I noticed that people coming out of the mass had happy expressions on their faces, in stark contrast to my tired gaze. Despite feeling guilty, I couldn’t help but feel that attending mass was an arduous task. I felt remorse that what came so easily to others was so difficult for me, and I constantly apologized in my prayers.

One night, I had a dream. I found myself standing near the church doors, observing people going in and out of the yard. An elderly man caught my attention. He was wearing old, faded clothes and looked like any other beggar who usually resided there. But as I looked into his eyes, I recognized Jesus within him! He gave me a friendly, kind smile, and warmth emanated from his gaze. The image quickly dissipated, and I found myself at a dining table with Christ sitting at the head. Others were present, telling him of their troubles. I also confided in him about my inability to uphold every church rule and apologized for praying at home instead of attending mass. In response, he gave me marionette dolls and said, “Burn your marionettes yourself!”