How to Not Raise Capital (Ridiculous But True Founder Statements)

I’ve riffed on silly vc comments before, but here are some actual founder statements in various emails/decks I’ve recently received (oh come on, lets have some fun).

Numerous founders could write a similar list of ridiculous statements that have come out of my mouth (not casting stones!). Listen, I’m all about the hustle, but, well, you be the judge on the effectiveness of the following:

1.“We are Uber for [insert].” (I lost you at “We are…”)

2.“We achieved 1100% revenue growth month over month” (off $750 base)

3. “Let’s change the world together.” (Or maybe not)

4. “Hello nice to meet you. Let us know if you want to invest in our round by the end of this week.” (what’s your name again?)

5. “This is going to be big!” (Yessiree!)

6. “Hello nice to meet you. I’ve included closing instructions with our deck.” (thanks for putting everything, and I mean everything, in one email)

7. “Are you interested in speaking today to see if you can get into the round?” (Absolutely! Hope I get in!)

8. “We’ve been tripling the DAUs every week for last month” (yes but you launched last month)

9. “Then we will own the market.” (and rule the world)

10. “Thank you for the update. Let’s stay close in the future and maybe we can work together when the opportunity presents itself.” (Yes lets)

And while we’re at it, here are my current favorite startup words/phrases I still see in pitches:

1. “killing it”

2. “rock star”

3. “100x engineer”

4. “blowing up”

5. “hot”

6. “crushing it”

7. “exploding”

8. “poised”

9. “on the planet”

10. “world class”

You may now return to conquering whatever massive industry you were born to disrupt.