7 Things You’re Tired of Hearing if You’re an NSA Agent Listening in on Tapped Phone Conversations

If you work for the National Security Administration in the Intelligence Monitoring department, chances are you’ve heard it all — but we’ll bet you’re particularly fed up with these trite phrases.

1. “We’re going to detonate the device tomorrow at 12.”

What device? Where? 12 am or pm? NSA agents are fed up with all the ambiguity.

2. I’m going to visit the Capitol with my friend Ann Thrax tomorrow? Want to come?

NSA agents wish Ann would stop being so stubborn and just use her middle name.

3. “Honey, did you want me to get one or two dozen eggs?”

Anyone who’s a true counterterrorism expert wishes people would just play it safe, get two dozen eggs, and stop crowding the airwaves while they listen for terrorist chatter.

4. “The rockets are on their way to Manhattan.”

Nothing frustrates NSA agents more than getting a juicy lead like this and then realizing they’ve accidentally tapped Houston Rockets beat reporter Jonathan Feigen, again.

5. “Osama Bin Laden’s Back From the Dead!”

Federal intelligence agents worked hard on killing Bin Laden and sick of people claiming their efforts were undone.

6. “Ross is my favorite character on Friends”

Ross is the worst character on Friends and it doesn’t take a high-level intelligence official to realize it.

7. “Fuck the NSA. They suck.”

They may be listening in on your conversation, but that doesn’t mean government agents working covert reconnaissance projects aren’t human beings with feelings like the rest of us.