On Surviving Remote Year in a Long-Distance Relationship
About a year and a half ago, I was accepted into Remote Year, a program offering the opportunity to travel the world while working remotely. Anyone who knows me can attest — I love to travel. This was a dream come true.
Instead of jumping for joy, I texted my boyfriend Sean and said, “I don’t think I’m gonna do it.” I was scared to talk to my company, where I had a non-remote role, and worried about what my family would think. I was also unsure about how it would affect my relationship.
Luckily, that was not the end of my story. Eighteen months later, I’m in the last days of my year-long journey around the world with Remote Year, looking forward to returning home to NYC and Sean.
Here’s how we spent a year apart and ended up closer than when we started…
“What’s going to happen with you guys?”
Marina:
This was among the most frequent questions I got as I told people about Remote Year. Most people were surprised that Sean was so supportive — he convinced me that I’d be crazy to not try to find a way to get company approval, he booked three visits within my first month away, and he made a bawl-worthy video of my family and friends wishing me well.
Never, not once, did he ask me not to go. He knew how much I love travel and what a unique opportunity this was. Even though it was hard to see me go, he was 100% behind me every step of the way. That support has been a bedrock to our relationship this year.
Sean:
Seriously, everyone asked this with a stunned look on their face.
I had no hesitation encouraging Marina to join Remote Year. The program was made for Marina, and vice versa. Loving her meant making sure I did everything I could to make this happen.
The tougher thing was not second-guessing myself. People brought up a lot of reasons why I could not be okay with this. What kept me grounded was open communication with Marina, and the fact that me encouraging her to chase her dream was never the wrong decision, regardless of how things turned out.
On communicating
Marina:
While it hasn’t always been this way, our relationship is pretty strong in the communication arena. We don’t shy away from talking about feelings and sharing when things are rocky — even if it might upset the other person. This year has brought ups and downs, but just saying that “things feel weird” gave us a platform to problem-solve.
I remember two lows in particular: one in Buenos Aires, my 2nd month away, and one in London, nearly halfway through my trip. Both happened to be about a month after last seeing each other. We realized our communication quality decreased after visits. It’s like we’d go back to our habits of seeing each other every day and have to re-remember how to be long-distance.
Those off-kilter times led to some of the most important conversations of our relationship about lifestyles, finances, and our future together. We’ve also gone back to this article for little prompts to get out of the “how was your day” conversation. (We’ve still never gotten all the way through it…)
I started sending Sean random “Missing You Haikus” and we shared voice memos and videos when time zones became a challenge.
It’s the little reminders that you’re thinking of the other person that make them feel like they’re still a part of your life. We still send good morning and goodnight texts most days. (Some of us more than others.)
Sean:
Marina texts me more than I text her. There, I said it. :)
In all seriousness, although I’ve gotten better, I’m not great with daily communication. I am good, however, at talking about things that can be uncomfortable. Long distance brings up all kinds of uncomfortable issues, and ours primarily included finances and, of course, communication styles.
When we had issues, the best thing we did was not drop it. Sometimes we would come up with solutions right away, and sometimes we would talk for hours and feel like we hadn’t gotten anywhere. But we kept talking, and kept trying to hear each other, and that effort has changed the dynamic of our relationship for the better.
On keeping busy
Marina:
This experience has been less painful than I expected. Don’t get me wrong, long distance is not something I would recommend actively pursuing, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship, or even a pause. We’ve both challenged ourselves and grown this year, and sharing those moments with each other has been rewarding because they’re more noticeable with distance and time.
That said, we’ve both kept really busy. I’ve been moving to a new city every month while taking several side trips, working full-time, meeting 70 new people, and doing things like mountain biking Death Road in Bolivia, jumping off cliffs in Vietnam, and visiting churches made of bones in the Czech Republic. The constant activity and newness I’ve experienced this year has left me with enough memories for a lifetime. It’s great to always have something to share with Sean; it’s equally hard to share everything.
While it’s been lonely at times to lead separate lives while being together, I’ve also had the unique privilege of having dozens of friends who understand the experience like no one else can. (They are also all dating around the world, which induces equal parts relief and jealousy in me while I have a relationship with my awesome boyfriend via my laptop and phone…)
Sean:
I’ve always been great at keeping busy: coming up with business ideas, playing sports, trying new hobbies, reading new books — my brain really doesn’t stop. I took this year as my opportunity to tackle all the things I had procrastinated doing. Some worked out, and others didn’t, but keeping busy has definitely made the time go faster.
In addition, I have an awesome group of very supportive friends. There were numerous times when I was the 3rd or 5th wheel, and other times when I was connecting with people I hadn’t spent a lot of time with. I never felt like I didn’t have someone to call.
On technology
We looked up articles/tools for long-distance communication before I left. Here are some we tried:
- Between: an app for couples where you can share photos, events, notes, etc. We didn’t use this one much after the first month because it became another app to keep track of.
- WhatsApp: for messaging
- Duo: a FaceTime competitor for the Android-inclined
- Zoom, Skype, Hangouts: for video chats
Marina:
My favorite of these has been WhatsApp, since I use it so often with everyone these days. Once they added video calling in the fall, it was a done deal. Duo sometimes performs better, but it’s so much easier to call directly from a text convo.
We’ve had our fair share of calls dropped and other connectivity issues, but not taking that frustration out on the other person has made all the difference. We found that some video apps worked better in some parts of the world and would try all of them if quality wasn’t great.
Sean:
Oh, technology and the joys of video chatting across the world. WhatsApp has been our greatest ally in messaging, while Duo, Zoom, Skype, Hangouts, and WhatsApp Video have all made special appearances in our video chat saga. Usually you can find one that works well, so don’t feel confined to relying on one.
My favorite technological tool was Google Calendar. There was no way our conversations would have been able to cover everything we missed in each other’s lives on a daily basis. Seeing something on Marina’s calendar made me feel a little bit closer to her.
A tool that deserves a special mention is Rabb.it, which allows two people to watch the same Netflix stream. Watching House of Cards together was awesome!
On date night
Marina:
We didn’t have a regular date night when we were living in the same city, so we didn’t start off having one once I left. We both quickly realized how easy it is to get busy and not spend real time together when apart, so we got date night on the calendar. It’s moved around to lunch/breakfast dates as my time zones shifted, but that dedicated time has been important for us to share.
Sean:
We’ve cooked steak and watched House of Cards together. I’m a fan.
On looking forward
Marina:
Sean visited me once on each continent. We spent a week together hiking the Inca Trail in Peru, a week traveling by train through Eastern Europe, and two weeks exploring Thailand. I also went home for a week in November, so we never spent more than 3.5 months apart. It’s helped to have something to look forward to, even though I swear time slows down when visits are 2–3 weeks out.
We’ve also gotten into the habit of sharing things like apartments we might consider when we’re back in the same city, events we might want to go to, and future destinations for trips together.
Sean:
Planning the future was my favorite part. I had never been to South America, Eastern Europe, or Asia before visiting Marina, so looking forward to those trips made the year go by much faster. Our long-term planning helped us remember the amazing future we have ahead of us.
On what to do when all else fails
Marina:
No matter how solid an LDR you have, there will be times you just feel sad. I’ve had many nights when I’ve gone home early because I was missing Sean and just wanted to talk to him. He’s been on the other end of my tears without any way to really console me.
I think the most important thing I’ve learned is it’s ok to feel sad. The best thing you can do is share how you’re feeling and be there for each other. We’re super lucky to live in a time when we can instantly connect across continents and oceans, even if it’s not quite the same.
Sean:
Whether there is a specific moment you wish you could share with your significant other, or an overall feeling that a part of your life is missing, there are some very difficult emotions to deal with.
When I suppressed or ignored those feelings, they would always get worse. Sharing how I felt with Marina, my friends, and my family always helped give me perspective. It wasn’t easy talking about my feelings, knowing there was nothing anyone could do to change them. But it helps to know that someone else is there to listen, support you, and simply be present while you are going through it.
So, what now?
We’ve climbed mountains, chased waterfalls, saw the first light of days, flew above the clouds, heard Mozart in Vienna, experienced delicious meals, met other wanderers…
Even though there’s sadness around Remote Year coming to an end, I’m excited to return home and keep making amazing memories. I know there’s travel in our future (as does Sean, since I send him flight deals on a daily basis) and am equally excited to make NYC a home again, together.
If you enjoyed this read, please like, comment, and/or share! We’d love to hear from you.
To read more about Marina’s travels, visit www.marinalvova.com.
To check out Sean’s work, visit www.seanroker.com.
