On No Longer Longing For Belonging
“This, I believe, is the great Western truth: that each of us is a completely unique creature and that, if we are ever to give any gift to the world, it will have to come out of our own experience and fulfillment of our own potentialities, not someone else’s.” — Joseph Campbell
Shortly after moving to the United States, my mother shepherded me into an unfamiliar building, where she interacted with unfamiliar school administrators, who then placed me in an unfamiliar solitude to take a grade placement test centered on unfamiliar curriculum. I was only seven years of age, yet to this day, I still remember the feeling of anxiety. It wasn’t one founded on a lack of comprehension, fear of failure, or dread of disappointment. It was one founded on a fear of disconnection. I longed for recognizable surroundings. I yearned to be back in a school with my former teachers and distanced friends. I craved the accustomed sensation of familiarity, so much so that I stood up midway through the exam, opened the office door, and stared down the corridor hoping to catch a glimpse of my mother. After a few minutes of fruitless surveillance, I forlornly returned to my seat to complete the test.
One week later, the school year started. There I was, two years younger than most of my classmates, attending an American public elementary school where the kids spoke with funny accents and dressed in clothes as expressive as their boisterous personalities. At the time, I possessed a British accent and was used to wearing a private school uniform only rivaled in reservation by my temperament. These were the first moments I recall feeling an utter lack of belonging. But, little did I understand then, experiencing this burdening sense of detachment would be essential for me to appreciate my individuality and recognize my aptitude.
It’s regrettable the world is governed by structures and incentives that reward compliance and chastise dissidence. Consider the bullying and harassment inflicted upon adolescents who look different, sound different, or simply decide to present themselves unconventionally. Consider the job and income instability imposed upon employees who speak out against unethical but lucrative corporate practices. Consider how spineless politicians cast votes only to seek approval and political favor from peers and superiors, not constituents. In each case, human beings are consciously or subconsciously steered towards thinking and acting in ways defined by external influences. And most of us voluntarily oblige, for we’re taught to value externally sourced effects like social acceptance and wealth. The unfortunate truth is the things we’re taught to pursue and the ways in which we’re taught to pursue them only permit us to live lives others want for us and think in ways others expect from us. And living these counterfeit lives prohibits us from truly understanding our own inclinations, realizing our potentials, and leading our most fulfilling existences.
If it were not for the opportunity to experience disconnection, I’m not sure I would have developed a tolerance to overcome social adversity. I’m not sure I would have discovered alternative interests that allow me to more organically and meaningfully connect with the world. I’m not sure I would have found the courage to leave a safe corporate profession to spend more time engaging in creative pursuits and travel. But, I am sure I now feel more liberated and fulfilled than I ever thought possible. It’s because I’ve found meaning in loneliness. I believe there’s worth in solitude. And there’s value to feeling a lack of belonging. For only until we experience this burdening detachment can we learn to belong less to the things outside of ourselves. And only when we belong less to the things outside of ourselves do we find the space to simply become ourselves.
Originally published at www.gorsgonewild.com.
