While looking for purpose I accidentally stumbled upon wholeness
What I learnt at Vipassana, a ten day silent meditation retreat
I’ve just completed Vipassana training! A ten day meditation course where we started by taking an oath of silence, and were not allowed to communicate in any way. We had to hand in all technology, books and writing material, and for ten days not say a word. The daily program was from 04.30 to 21.00, including ten hours of meditation, and a 90 minute discourse, where we learnt about the philosophies behind the practice.
First off let me say that it was very difficult, but also very rewarding. It was also not what I expected it to be, and the things I learnt were not what I expected to learn (nor what the course intended to teach me).
According to S N Goenka, who brought Vipassana to India and the west, Vipassana is Buddhas contribution, describing the way to liberation. It is a practice that cannot be thought intellectually, but one that must be experienced by the student. Very quickly summarised the teaching states that we are born with past miseries and that we keep accumulating more when we unconsciously react to painful or pleasurable sensations. Painful sensations become aversion, and pleasurable ones become craving or clinging leading to misery when you don’t get what you are craving for. Vipassana meditation teaches us to calm our minds and notice the sensations without reacting to them. When we stop reacting, we stop creating new misery, and old ones will re-surface. If we similarly don’t react to the old ones they will disappear until we are freed from misery, or in other words liberated. I know I’m grossly oversimplifying and might even have gotten it wrong, but my intention is not to teach you Vipassana, just to explain the basics. If you want to learn more go check out www.dhamma.org and sign up for a course.
One of my goals of my India trip is to practice listening to my inner voice. Get to know myself better. I was introduced to Vipassana by friends a few years back, and I thought it would be the perfect compliment to my trip. I also tied it to Teal, by thinking that if I learnt to listen to my inner voice, I would also learn to listen for an organisations evolutionary purpose. Smart huh?
Not talking for 10 days must make it easier to listen, right? Wrong. I probably should have done my homework, because not only do we have to be silent, we’re also trained to silence our minds: “No thinking!” So in practice I’m silently listening to nothing… great.
The ten days was an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. I alternated between ‘good’ emotions, and ‘bad’ emotions. I felt curiosity, annoyance, hopefulness, anger, scepticism, happiness, love, gratitude sadness and sense of achievement. More or less in that order.
Here are a few excerpts form my mental diary. We weren’t allowed to write so I had to memorise this. I’m sure it’s morphed a few times since i ‘wrote’ it.
Day 6
I was led to believe that even though Vipassana is based on Buddhas teaching, it was not religious. It can be practiced by anyone regardless of background or religion. Then throughout the taped discourses (daily philosophy videos) S N Goenka goes on to claim that it’s a a scientific approach and nothing less than the universal truth. “No of course it’s not religion.. Now let me tell you a story about how Buddha experienced how subatomic particles operate, and went on to dissolve his body, purely trough meditation”.
Come on. This is just as religious as any other belief system. You can’t just expect me to accept that this is the universal truth, just cause you (or Buddha) said so. It’s also not scientific. Subatomic particles consist of earth, water, wind and air? Hold on, I think I remember something different from my 4th grade science class. Also none of this can’t be proven externally, only experienced on an individual level. Oh, and that part about spreading the teachings and donating being necessary to achieve liberation. Now we’re sounding a little like a sect, no?
Yes, I’ve experienced some cool things, and I do believe that meditation is valuable, but you can’t expect me to buy into these teachings.
I fell asleep very sceptical, thinking “it’s been a good experience, but this is probably not for me”.
Day 7
Whoau, where did that come from!? Did I actually ‘write’ that text yesterday? Did I think those thoughts? Who am I to criticise an entire belief system, just cause I had a bad day? Look at me judging from a bright Orange state of mind. So what if it’s not scientific? It’s helped thousands of people and is spreading as a wildfire as we speak. People are becoming more mindful, more peaceful, happier. Yes it’s based on religion.. so what?
Guess what else happened today? I cried. In public. Yes, internet it’s official: Kenneth cried openly for two hours during meditation. And it felt great.
It started during morning meditation. My mind drifted, and I started re-experiencing memories. Beautiful childhood memories of mom raising me, my first broken heart, sad memories from dad almost passing away during open heart surgery, and compassion towards grandma who’s fighting cancer at an old age. I cried tears of happiness, sadness and gratitude. It hit me like an unstoppable wave, and two hours later it stopped as quickly as it had started. I felt light, happy and free.
Can I explain what happened? Nope. Was it old miseries re-surfacing? Don’t know. Was I in a state of mind where I was more in touch with my empotions? Maybe. It doesn’t matter. All I know is that it was good. I felt compelled to write my mother a letter to thank her. I felt love and compassion for the people around me. I felt happiness. As far as I’m concerned it doesn’t matter why.
Another thought that hit me was: “Thank god nobody knows me here, so I don’t have to worry about what they think”. I took me until evening until I realised how sad that thought was. I have to be with strangers to show emotion? I can’t cry with my friends or colleagues? How could we go so wrong that we’ve built up a society where showing emotion is considered a bad thing. Where we should hide who we are and what we feel, as to not make others feel uncomfortable?
Suddenly I understood what Fredric Laloux takes about as wholeness (the second breakthrough idea of Teal organisations). I was hoping to understand Evolutionary purpose, but it turns out my lesson was wholeness — How to be yourself. Your whole self. Always.
Afterthoughts
I’m very happy I made it through the ten day Vipassana course. I’ve developed my focus. I’ve learnt lots about meditation, and I’ve learnt techniques for handling physical pain, that I’m sure can be applied for emotional pain as well.
I don’t think Vipassana is the right meditation practice for me. I’m not giving up mediation, but I’ll experiment with a few other techniques before i ‘settle down’. I’m confident that the 100+ hours of mediation I’ve been through will make it easier to learn another one.
As for Teal I I didn’t learn to listen to my inner thoughts, but instead I got a taste of wholeness. I’ve pierced through a layer of my imagined armour. I have far to go, but it’s a start, and I can’t wait to start being more real even in a professional setting.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting we create a workplace where everyone cries all the time, and get’s nothing done. I think thats a theoretical problem, not a practical one, as I don’t think people are emotional all the time. But imagine the impact if people can feel safe being themselves. Where they don’t have to hide their sadness, fears and happiness. Where they can process and work through an emotion instead of bottling it up until the bottle explodes into a million pieces and they burnout, get depressed, or leave in anger? What if people could feel and share the happiness, gratitude, freedom, and love that I felt. Would that make them lesser employees? I don’t think so.
In the end I’d highly recommend Vipassana to anyone who’s curious. It’s not easy. It’s not what you expect. But it’s worth it. Get in touch and I’d be happy to tell you more and guide you in the right direction. Perhaps my best donation is giving the gift of Vipassana to someone else :)
