Crucial conversations

This is a checklist I read before having crucial conversations. It is inspired from the book of the same name with the subtitle “Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” from Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler.

Why :

- to improve efficiency in human relations

- to step up when nobody dares

How:

1) By realizing two things:

- the pool of shared meaning is the bunch of data shared in the dialogue which everybody makes his. It is the group’s IQ.

- the fool’s choice is to think there are only two alternatives. There is always a solution that can settles the situation for both. There are ways to find it:

2) By staying focused on what you really want to come out of the conversation. It helps you keep your head still and to not enter in ugly games (silence, winning, punishing) that will drive you away from what you want.

3) By making the discussion safe. Fear leads to silence or violence, and make the conversation to fail. Safety comes from:

- mutual purpose

- respect (no sarcasm, no cheap shots)

- if you step out, use apologies, contrasting

- look at the purpose before the strategy (we often fight on strategy details, but a closer look at the purpose may reveal a common strategy)

4) By telling stories. Our emotions are stirred by stories. Controlling our emotions comes with controlling the story we tell ourselves.

This is how we work:

- we observe something

- we tell ourselves a story about what we have seen, with our preconceptions

- we feel an emotion

- we act accordingly

In this scenario the whole thing is to be very accurate on distinguishing facts and stories. With a closer look at facts we can rewire a story and change acts.

Types of stories to be careful about:

- victim story: it’s not my fault: turn victim into actor

- villain story: it’s all your fault: turn villain into human

- helpless story: there is nothing I can do: turn helpless into the able

They are strategy to not acknowledge your own sell outs

5) By stating your path clearly in this order:

- share your facts

- tell your story

- ask for other’s path

- talk tentatively

- encourage testing

6) Move to action

- decide how to decide (command, consult, vote, consensus)

- document decisions and follow ups