A Pharmaceutical Executive’s Thoughts on Vaccine Patents
Waiving vaccine patents is very trendy right now, but I want to argue that it is short sited and wrong to wave vaccine patents. We can’t make decisions only focused on the short term. We must look at the long term. I know what you’re thing, “Isn’t it more ethical to say millions of lives now?” I say no. For one simple reason: innovation.
Let’s say a young rich boy and his parents are walking in a dark alleyway near a theater, and a couple of COVID-19 variants rob and kill his parents. Then this young boy grows up to be some kind of world’s greatest detective or what one might call a dark knight who dedicates his life to fighting COVID-19 and all of its new variants who escape out into the world. If a new deranged clown variant forms who else will fight it, and don’t get me started about the Cobblepot variant! We wouldn’t get this vaccine vigilante without the dark tragedy of COVID-19. If we aren’t allowed to keep our patent, we might not get this emotionally scarred superhero orphan who benefits humanity. Plus think of the possible merchandising.
Here’s another scenario, let’s think about a young Italian-French scientist who is obsessed with creating, and the only way he can create life is by using corpses. If there isn’t enough of a corpse supply this young scientist won’t ever discover what makes us human or how to reanimate us when we reach our demise. Not once will he get scream “It’s alive!” Without corpses, this monster-creating scientist will have to shut down his lab, and then who will employ all of the Igors of the world? Yes, COVID-19 is a global tragedy, but if we’re honest it has been good for the corpse business. Will it be sad if your grandmother dies? Yes, of course, but wouldn’t it be cool if your grandmother gets reanimated by lightening, saves a boy from drowning, takes a trip to the north pole, and makes us question who is the real monster? Also, yes.
Finally, let’s imagine a 33-year-old Jewish carpenter who just keeps living. That’s it. Boring story nothing happens. Let’s take that same carpenter and crucify him. What happens then? Humanity is saved. By allowing more people to die we are opening the door for an event we haven’t seen in 2000 years. We have the opportunity to get a Jesus 2.0. If enough people die one of them has to beat death and save us from our sins. It’s just playing the odds. I personally look forward to our new COVID-19 riddled lord and savior.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve done a lot of sinning, and I’m not convinced about the efficacy of a 2000-year-old sacrifice. Who knows what types of sin mutations have been created because of my crimes against humanity alone. We have yet to crack the code of immortality despite all of the blood and life force I’ve stolen from my employees and their children, who I call our lil’ CEOs. Because of this, I’m convinced of our need for a sacrificial booster shot.
These are just three out of a whole host of possibilities for innovations that can happen if we are allowed to keep our patent. Plus, we’ll make a lot of money. Everybody wins, especially us.
Sincerely,
Unnamed Pharmaceutical Executive
