An Unexpected Valentine’s Day Gift
…that is testing my faith
For several months now, I’ve been feeling like my glasses just don’t feel right. They feel weird to wear, although they fit fine and I can see clearly through them. Last week I went to my old optometrist to have the glasses checked. Mindy, who runs Dr. V’s outfit, said he wanted to recheck my eyes before I got new glasses, and the first day he had an available appointment was February 14, Valentine’s Day. Could I make it? Well, since Valumtimes Day (as I like to call it, after one of my kids who used to call it that as a toddler) has not traditionally been a day that I have been celebrated on, of course I said yes.
When Mindy did the marathon of the 3 Machines (puff of air eye pressure, peripheral vision light, and names that sound like dinosaurs) pre-check before Dr. V saw me, I couldn’t see the lights on one of them out of one eye. She cleaned the lens, had me try again. She polished it, told me to give it another go. I told her that I saw what looked like a misshapen dark cloud, or a dab of dried guacamole, or a fingerprint dipped in baby snot…all of this said with tears of laughter running down my face, since I fancy myself a comedian. Mindy escorted me into Dr. V’s exam room, where I eventually sat comfortably as he adjusted the table that is too high for my chin to rest on. I did great, reading all the lines of letters out of the right eye…YAY…100%! When he covered the right eye to test the left one, he forgot to turn on the lines of letters. I told him so.
“Which is the lowest line you can read, Mrs. K?”
“There aren’t any lines on the display at all.”
“You do not see the H?
I shook my head.
He removed the cover from the right eye, and I saw a giant H in the lighted square on the wall. No yay, no 100%.
Waiting with dilating drops in my eyes, I had already surmised something was very wrong. After his examination of my dilated pupils, being all calm as not to alarm me, he said “I believe there is possibility of occlusion or bleeding within the eye. I would like you to see a retina specialist.” “When?” I was a bit flustered and beginning to get more than a little scared. I knew what was happening. I have known a famous writer who lived in Malibu who developed the condition I was afraid I was being diagnosed with, and died two years later. “As soon as possible. Perhaps today, if they are available”. “I don’t know any retina specialists…” but he was already out the door, leaving Mindy to see me to the outer office. He returned in 5 minutes waving a reference letter in his hand. “Can you make it in an hour? Their office is just around the corner from Huntington.”
Huntington Hospital, my nemesis. Where I had spent 3 months, of which 6 weeks were in a coma, just 6 years ago.
My biggest concern became that I had left Bunni and Peeku in the house since 9 a.m. and neither had been outside to do their business. I had not eaten all day, and had no insulin with me to have lunch. Maybe this is the way the mind reacts to unacceptable news, focusing on the smallest do-able task. I went to the Burger King where I have fries once a year, and went inside for the first time. I sat with sunglasses on, my eyes tearing from the light on the dilated pupils. Promptly before my appointment time I walked into the office of the retina specialist. Filled out forms in a soothing lobby. Was escorted into the inner sanctum with calm efficiency by a young lady who took my medical history, did some preliminary tests, gave me a long spiel about what was going to happen, what The Doctor would be doing, what The Doctor would explain, to save my questions for him. The Doctor, it was implied, was of course the all-knowing God on a pedestal in the office. The assumption, unknown to me, was that I was at their office to be more than diagnosed.
In quick succession over an hour I was given an intravenous dye, while simultaneously having retinal imaging done with photography accompanied by effing bright BRIGHT strobe lights in already dilated pupils for many minutes. Just this testing procedure triggered memories of past remembering when lights like this had manifested internally from the brain. It took me a few minutes to gather myself. Then we all sat down in the viewing room to go over what the scans showed.
Macular Degeneration? I asked
I am grateful for Dr. B treating me with the respect that a knowledgeable and articulate patient with agency should have. He went over the treatment options and the prognoses. I shared with him a little of my social history with my ex so that he could put into context why my physical and mental health became as badly taken care of as it did. I am no longer interested in hiding the actions of a partner whose neglect, by omission or by commission, has brought me to this day.
I agreed to begin treatment right away even though I couldn’t find my 3 friends who could have driven me home afterwards. Skip the next paragraph if you are squeamish.
I got 2 drops in the left eye, one a disinfectant and one for numbing the eye. This led to a shot in the eye to further the paralysis and loss of sensation. Then a shot in the eye of the medication for the actual disease of macular degeneration, to reduce the space of relative darkness at the center of the eye. A gauze patch covered it all. Then I drove home very carefully. Set up calls with the children, explained what had happened. Fed the dogs and myself, took off patch at bedtime, went to sleep at 8. I am not allowed to touch my eye or wash with tap water for 24–48 hours. These treatments will continue every 4 weeks until infinity, or until laser or surgery is deemed needed.
The prognosis is a slippery slope of “it can improve significantly” to “total blindness within a few years” to “it could be more rapid if it hasn’t been caught early”. So there you have it: a handful of not much! But my Babyjaan has just come into the world, and I am determined to be an active and significant part of her life for as long as possible. I have tons of motivation!
If you are reading this, I don’t wish for sympathy or condolences. But I am very open to receiving good energy, good vibrations, good love to get through a new and challenging experience that is going to test my faith in myself, my fellow man, and the Universe. If you are reading this, know that I love you.
