The US government has made huge strides in eliminating homelessness, by offering free food and shelter to millions of Americans. How do you sign up for this special reward? All you have to do is search up ‘How to kill the president’. Then, proceed to purchase a shitload of fertilizer. If you’re lucky, the FBI will be at your door in around 7 minutes.
The US is also pretty good at other things, like being stupid. No, not because they spend $700 billion a year on an unrivaled military force when they’re $26 trillion in debt. It's because they throw a bunch of murderers, rapists, and serial killers on a plane together. Yes, the US government has a plane reserved exclusively for criminals. I mean, what could go wrong?
To be fair, all the prisoners are handcuffed and their ankles are bound in chains. And just in case something goes wrong, US Marshalls patrol the flight. If they still misbehave, I’m pretty sure the government just shoves them on the next RyanAir flight. That should teach them a lesson or two.
But, why? Sure, transporting prisoners halfway across the country seems very expensive, and quite useless, and we all know Donald Trump is quite fond of those two things (I may or may not be talking about a very controversial wall).
But really, why? It all comes down to the fact that everyone has the right to a fair trial. Because, after all, the US is a global leader in equality and fairness…
And this inherent right to a fair trial means that if a prisoner committed a crime and was imprisoned in one state, they may have their trial in another. Countries like China and Russia eliminate this problem altogether, by either getting rid of that annoying trial phase or... secretly chopping your head off and hoping no one notices.
So…let’s dive into the logistics. The planes fall (not literally) under JPATS, which stands for the Justice Prisoner and Alien Transportation System. And, as the name suggests, this transportation system is responsible for moving prisoners and aliens, who are actually just illegal immigrants.
So…a prisoner’s journey on America’s second-worst airline begins when they are woken up from their sleep at the crack of dawn (way to prevent misbehavior — that would even turn me into a serial killer). Usually, to minimize any chance of escape, they are never told anything in advance about their transfer. Then, they are thoroughly searched and thrown onto a bus.
At this point, the inmate would know that they are getting transferred but have no idea where to. After, they are driven to a nearby airport and loaded onto one of the JPATS planes, which are apparently 26 years old. Onboard, they’re handcuffed and fitted with chains around their ankles. Accompanying them will be everyone’s favorite flight attendants — armed US Marshalls. And, my anonymous source in the US military tells me, these marshalls carry guns loaded with hollow-point bullets, which reduces the chance of bullets piercing the aircraft’s hull if fired.
To prevent any onboard prison riots, JPATS carefully schedules the inmates. For example, by making sure two rival gang members don’t occupy the same plane. The JPATS plane then lands at another inmate prison, where they pick up and drop off more prisoners, before heading back to base. The prisoners are left to wait for several days until another plane arrives to take them to their accommodation before trial.
So now, if you ever go to prison, you’ll be much better off because you read this article.
