Breaking Free From The Chains of Regret
Accept the past and live in the present
Confucius has said, “that our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
Life is never a straight line; it isn’t all rainbows and unicorns. During this journey, we fall many times but pick ourselves up and continue with life.
We keep fretting over the decisions we have made in the past, wishing we could go back and undo what happened.
This feeling of regret can follow us for years. We can get stuck in constant rumination that can cause low mood.
Something similar happened with my friend, Radhika. She had left a high-paying, high-profile banking job and joined as a Chief Financial Officer for a micro-financing NGO (Non-Governmental Organization).
Her work with the NGO involved constant travel and interaction with small-time business people in rural areas. The job was tough, and she had to learn and unlearn a few things.
While she had consciously decided to take a pay cut when she joined the NGO, she regretted her decision each time she met her colleagues from the bank and saw how well they were all doing.
Most nights, she would lie in bed, fretting over her decision.
Understanding regret
According to clinical psychologist Michaela Thomas, the emotions we feel while we regret can be used to understand ourselves better. It can move us towards repairing our behaviour. Rather than just looking at the outcome, we also need to reflect on the original intention of why we did something.
My friend’s original intention was to spend more time with her two-year-old child and have a good work-life balance. She realized now that feeling content and happy in the workplace was also crucial for her.
We chat about my friend’s experiences over a cup of coffee. She looked happy as she had learned from her experience. She has now learned to be more compassionate towards herself and has used the lessons learned to refine her approach while looking for a new job. She finally stopped beating herself up for the mistake and saw it as an opportunity to understand herself better and make changes.
Life is never perfect.
Trapped in this cycle of regret, we can become rigid, constantly blaming ourselves. But avoiding doing anything for fear of regretting it later is also not good, as it tends to disengage us from relationships, opportunities and progress gets stalled. We cannot make all the correct decisions to make life perfect. A perfect life is more of an illusion. Accept that life is not perfect and start living.
I read the New York Times bestseller “The Midnight Library” by Matt Haig.
This fictional story would resonate with anyone who has faced disappointment and regrets and wants to improve their life.
The book is a gentle reminder to live life and find joy in the present moment. It is an affirmation of life’s many possibilities. We keep thinking of the days gone by and the opportunities we may have missed, and in the process, ignoring the glories of the present.
The book compelled me to look at life from a different perspective.
Wrapping up
In life, you need to be strong from within, face the consequences of your choice and not get caught in the trap of regrets.
The past does not lead us to happiness. The future is beyond our control, but it is the present that we are in complete control.
“It’s not the lives we regret not living that are the real problem. It is the regret itself. It’s the regret that makes us shrivel and wither and feel like our own and other people’s worst enemy,”- Matt Haig.
Regrets are a part of life, they can leave us fearful, but we can use them to understand ourselves and make suitable changes that are right for us.
