Forgiveness On A Deadline: How Quickly Should You Forgive A Wrong?
Should the clock govern forgiveness or should healing lead?
“She is dead,” I told her.
“No. She cannot be dead” My friend dug in.
“T,” I called my friend, “Joy is dead. I am certain.”
“You don’t know what you are saying,” T informed me. “Let me ask in the school group.”
For a moment, I started to doubt myself. I knew that Joy was dead. The three of us attended the same secondary school but I was always closer to Joy than T was. Over eight years ago and one year after her wedding, a hospital emergency revealed the cancer in Joy’s brain. A few short months later, the cancer had spread into her bones and a month later, she was gone.
After school, Joy and I did not keep in touch but I had grieved her death so much because for one, who in their twenties does not think themselves invisible to death and terminal sicknesses? Again, beyond the somewhat popular belief that you do not speak ill of the dead, Joy was a rare human — beautiful, funny, and very kind. She was one of the few girls, in my all girl’s school, that I truly cared about.
Joy’s death, like some other deaths in my extended family, had proved to me that there was truth in the saying that good people died young.
“Okwy, you were right. She is dead!” T screamed through text.
I exhaled. Even though I knew Joy was dead, T’s refusal to believe me had me hoping that I had misremembered the person’s death I grieved and maybe Joy was alive after all.
I did not tell T, I told you so.
“So I have been holding a grudge against a dead girl for over eight years!” T screamed again.
This time I laughed for a while. I have never imagined a thing like it. Who does that?
T and I had been talking about forgiveness. According to T, forgiveness is important for the continuation of any relationship and until you can say that you have completely forgiven a person and let go, that relationship can never be whole again. So to T, we must learn to forgive people — and quickly too. It was right. It was the Lord’s way.
I disagreed.
“Look, I am a simple person,” I started.
“No, you are not,” She told me.
“Okay. My point is — I need time to process my feelings,” I argued. “You cannot hurt me and give me the burden to not just forgive you, but to forgive you quickly. No. That is not how this works.”
“How then do you keep the relationship going?” She asked me.
“It will go how it goes,” I answered. “You hurt me, it takes as long as it takes.”
“But won’t you just be pretending? You are angry at a person. Why even be in a relationship with them?” T wondered.
It was straightforward to me, “Anger is an emotion. Anger is not a sin or whatever it is you believe. No one should take it for granted that they are owed forgiveness just because they are sorry.”
Our conversation was what let T remind me of her grudge against Joy. She intended to find Joy on social media and they could talk about the issue between them.
The only problem — Joy was dead. And my friend had held a grudge over eight years later and now that she was ready to make amends, it was never going to happen with Joy at the other end of that conversation.
I find the situation funny. To T however, this further proved her point — when someone hurts you, forgive them. And quickly too.
I disagree. If you hurt someone — give them space to process their feelings and do not count on their forgiveness or place a timeframe on their anger. Forgiveness should come organically if it happens.
But maybe I am a hardass.
Either way, is there a middle ground we are missing, and what is your take on forgiveness?
Thank you for reading.
