My Wallet Weeps, But My Camera Shines
I bought an iPhone 15 Pro Max
Buying a new iPhone is a rite of passage, like paying taxes or awkwardly greeting someone you kind of know at the grocery store. I made the decision to become a member of the exclusive group of iPhone 15 Pro Max owners this year, which, looking back, has caused more questions than it has answered.
It all began quite casually. My dependable iPhone X had become so unreliable that I had to restart it just to see the home screen, and its battery had the annoying tendency of dropping from 60% to 3% after just one text message.
It was obvious that an improvement was needed. I entered the Apple Store ready to spend money I didn’t have on a phone I probably didn’t need, like a moth to an expensive flame.
I walked in and was immediately greeted by an Apple Genius, who I suspect was created in a lab. He seemed calm and collected, like someone who only drinks almond milk and meditates once a day.
He heard about my problems – battery problems, slowness akin to a vacationing snail, a potential ghost of Steve Jobs – and after that, suggested the iPhone 15 Pro Max, promising to make my life look like a glossy advertisement.
“Does it fold laundry?” I asked. He chuckled like I was joking.
The first thing I noticed about the iPhone 15 Pro Max was the size. This phone isn’t just big – it’s an interactive flat-screen TV that somehow fits in your pocket. If you ever need to defend yourself, it could double as a small shield. But who cares about size when it has more features than a Swiss Army knife? The Pro Max promised cinematic video recording, photorealistic AR, and something called “ProMotion,” which I assume makes you a better human.
Despite its obvious reaction to the prospect of losing hundreds of dollars, I gave my credit card to the person. I was wondering when the transaction finished if I was making a down payment on a sports vehicle or buying a phone.
Unboxing the iPhone 15 Pro Max was an Apple-certified spiritual experience, as one would anticipate. The simple packaging murmured promises of a better existence, with the future nestled in a compact, sleek aluminum frame. As I turned it on, the screen sparkled at me with the confidence I could only imagine having on a first date.
Using the phone is a learning curve, like switching from a bicycle to a space shuttle. The facial recognition feature immediately decided I wasn’t worthy, rejecting me in the morning because my face hadn’t yet achieved human status. And Siri? Siri now has the personality of a digital life coach, offering me mindfulness tips when I ask for directions to Taco Bell.
However, the camera is where this phone truly shines. I photographed my dog, and he appeared to have posed for a Vanity Fair spread. I could focus on individual whiskers and decipher the depths of his psyche. Suddenly, I was an Instagram influencer – with mostly fuzzy photographs of dinner and my thumb.
But there is an immense responsibility that goes along with power. I suddenly feel like I have an unspoken obligation to do more with the phone than just look at memes. The iPhone 15 Pro Max deserves brilliance. It is no longer enough to just text; I must also create literary masterpieces.
It’s not enough to take a fast photo; now I’m supposed to direct the next Marvel film with its 48-megapixel camera. When I casually told to a friend that I was “just watching YouTube” on it, she reacted as if I had committed a crime against Apple.
Still, there are perks. The battery life is impressive enough to last through my entire workday, multiple episodes of a show I’m pretending not to binge, and several hours of pondering what it all means. Looking at anything else seems almost impolite because of how sharp the display is. In contrast, the real world appears hazy.
Ultimately, it has been a thrilling experience to buy the iPhone 15 Pro Max. Never has my financial account been sadder, but my smartphone is smarter than ever. I feel like a caveman with a lightsaber, both weirdly empowered and intimidated.
Yes, I still don’t know everything about it, but I’ll learn with time and the regular iPhone tutorial videos. I’ll be over here in the meantime, trying to answer the phone and inadvertently snapping slow-motion selfies.
~febi‘s ✍️
