Struggling To Move On? Try These 3 Mindset Shifts
By the third one, you will be running.
When I left my abusive ex, it was like entering a new world. Some days, everywhere was colourful. I was happy and excited to be free and have a life that wasn’t dependent on anyone else’s emotions. On other days, I found the world too chaotic and wished for quiet. The latter is because healing is a strange world of, “Yeah, I got it!” and “Nahh, kill me now”.
As much as you want to, you cannot rush your healing journey. What you can do to help yourself move forward though is to make these four mindset shifts:
- Understand this: You do not need closure to move on.
Was it Hollywood or novels that sold us on the idea of closure? Whichever did lied. We do not need anyone’s “I am so sorry I hurt you,” to move on. What if they never apologize? You will never move on?
How did we ever sell ourselves on, “This person hurt me so I left but let me wait around because suddenly, they will develop a conscience and come say sorry?”
Make it make sense. What is in it for them?
And let me break it to you, they know what they did to you. They know. They would have made better choices if they wanted to treat you better. Stop excusing bullshit.
The only way they are coming back is to finish you off. The grass on the other side knows better and isn’t letting them crap all over them.
2. Acknowledge that you can be in love with them and still move on.
Yup.
The word here is detach. To detach yourself from that ideal of you and them that you have in your mind because you need to accept that you can love someone and move on from them.
When you pick up the phone to text or call them, take a moment to remind yourself of all the negativity attached to them. Then, text or call someone who brings joy to you.
When you feel desperate to drive to their doorstep, drive instead to the door of that friend who will make you laugh. Yes, that friend may not cuddle or kiss you but they will not make you feel terrible either.
When the urge to go on social media and find out what they are up to, remember that people show off their best selves on social media. Go and watch cat videos to make you happy or watch a horror movie to frighten you away from their social media. Whatever you do, do not check their social media.
The more you stop yourself from doing the things that used to lead to those not good for your soul, the easier it gets. One day, you will no longer need any distraction not to contact them.
3. You don’t need to forgive them to move on.
Yup — hold onto that hate. Marinate in that rage, however, it will do you no good.
My entire relationship with forgiveness if I am the aggrieved, is that it is for me. I don’t care about forgiving anyone who hurt me. I forgive myself for all that happened to me. Whenever I feel rage or hate, I say a variation of this to myself, “I’m sorry you went through that”. Short, sweet, and simple — for my ego and broken places.
Whenever I remember the evil my abusive ex put me through, beyond the hurt, I now empathize with him — lugging around that much darkness cannot be easy for any soul. Poor him. Anyone capable of that much evil is to be pitied. Sucks to be him.
How in the world will I not forgive myself for having overcome that much evil? And having seen the darkness humans are capable of, why in the world would I want to carry around malice and hate? Not for me. I am not them. I like my soul light and airy so yeah, I am big-time into forgiveness — for myself. They can whatever themselves.
Bonus Point: Do you not love yourself?
Are you not deserving of love? Respect? A healthy relationship?
So they hurt you because they are hurt. Hurt people hurt people they say. Are you a glutton for punishment? Let them go and heal. There is no glory at the end of enduring the hurt they bring. These are the years you will never get back.
Thank You So Much For Reading. What mindset shift helped you move on faster in your healing journey? Do share.
