Preparing for Alien Abduction

You’ve been forwarded this article because someone cares about you. Maybe not so much you as much as the people who you care for.

As many violent movies, murder mysteries or true crime episodes you may watch, discussing your own death is probably not so much fun. But the point of this article is:

Do you have a will?

The reason this article is not called that because you’ve already ignored the 50 emails and ads from AARP (starts when you’re 40) so your death is already on mute.

When you do choose to talk about it, you talk about being “hit by a bus” and why would you choose to start there!

Instead, I offer something with a more mysterious ending — beamed onto an interdimensional spaceship.

Feel better?

Ignoring the fantastic ride that awaits you, let’s talk about what you need to do now.

First, skip to the end where I say that I’m NOT A LAWYER (my lawyers like when I say that because I think they are intimidated) but you’ve already avoided “those” people so just keep reading. Any scientific numbers are made up but whatever. You really should pay someone who knows what they’re doing or listen to someone who knows what they’re talking about but here we are.

Make A Living Will

Before you find your lawyer, list out all of the important things that you own. You can write it on a sheet paper or type it in your phone’s notes. These are your assets. Assets include:

• property
• houses
• transportation
• jewelry
• furniture
• clothing & shoes
• bank accounts
• social media & email accounts
• pets

If you can’t think of everything, don’t worry. No need to list the exact account numbers and passwords. If you aren’t sure whether you own it or not, list it anyway. There’s a catch all later.

Now list every one that you want to get the stuff after you depart. Also important, if there are people that you do not want to get your stuff, list there names, too.

With those 2 lists you can start matching stuff to people. You can also designate someone to do the dirty work for you, but it would be nice if you told them that before the spaceship arrives.

Once you’ve done that hard work you need to add a beginning and an end.

The beginning needs to include your name, date and current address. The bottom needs a place for two witnesses. Write Living Will at the top and you’ve made everything much easier for the family and friends that don’t get to space travel with you.

If you don’t want witnesses because this whole alien thing is a secret you can go to an HR Block and get the pages notarized for less than $10.

Make a couple of copies and leave them with someone you trust, sealed in an envelope with your name and date.

Now take a photo of this document with your phone and send it to someone you trust.

If there’s no one you trust, leave the envelope in your kitchen because that’s the first place that will get thoroughly cleaned when you leave abruptly.

I also suggest you record a 5 minute video of your instructions…”being of sound mind and body yada yada yada”…so that your wishes are as clear as possible.

If you want to feel better about all of this you can go to any online legal platform and do the same. The Rockets and the Zooms because jet propulsion is the best legal advice.

Because this is a Living Will, you can change your mind at any time. The most updated document will be what actual lawyers will follow which is why witnesses and notaries are helpful.

Now What

Okay, if you’ve done all of this your estate will go through what’s called probate. Everybody needs to see who you owe and who owes you before your vintage Jordan 1s go to your favorite niece. This is the long legal process that validates the will. A few costs here and there, but what do you care on your new planet.

But if you want to make things easier, you’ll want to have all of those assets listed above placed in a Living Trust.

A Living Trust Sounds Hella Shady

Okay, the first time I heard this I thought it was a scam and you may, too. But we did it any way and all of my really nice lawyer friends think it’s a good idea so I’ll stick to drawing shoes.

You can decide on revocable vs irrevocable living trust. Revocable means you can make changes throughout your life without a lot of effort. Irrevocable means you can change it, but a court order will be needed — if you were worried the aliens would mind warp you into giving your least favorite nephew your favorite Jordan 1s instead of you favorite niece, they probably don’t want to go through our planet’s legal structure.

But the Living Trust allows folks to act on your behalf and care for you if the aliens sedate you prior to journey. Paying your bills and taxes while you’re still in the weird middle zone is key.

Now you can’t just say, “My stuff is in the Trust.” You gotta do some paperwork. If you’ve got property and retirement funds you’re going to want to get a lawyer to move these assets into a trust. Very lawyery stuff my lawyers tell me. Deeds and banks need to all work together to some kind of rhythmic dance I assume.

Hella worth it.

The Details

As you think further into the reality of your alien abduction you’ll realize that there are a lot of places that need the security codes and passwords and the first street you kissed on to access. Update that information often so that there are folks that haven’t been abducted who can be contacted.

You may be on another planet but the folks living in your house might appreciate the hot water.

You should also toss in some other documents like Power of Attorney and Healthcare Power of Attorney in case of that mind meld thing.

It will also be helpful if you leave instructions (and money) with respect to your body if the aliens decide to only take your mind — cryogenic freezing, burial, cremation, etc. And if you want them to have a party after you leave, fund that, too.

If you’re reading this abduction thing a little too closely you may also have other trust issues so you may not have anyone you want to have access to your details. We will skip the part about “it takes a village” and just say that you should find a good fiduciary or an amazing mattress to entrust your secrets with.

Your Wishes

If you think this is a long read, wait til you start deciding which of your siblings gets to watch your kids and when should you change that and who you should tell and when you should tell them. They will ask a lot of questions about the alien abduction so you might want to throw them off the trail and mention the rise in runaway buses in your city.

The real goal here is for people to know what you want to have happen. There might be some greedy folks who want more than you wanted to give them, but your wishes are typically everyone’s first concern. A legal document with your signature, date and address will only make it stronger. A video will only make it clearer.

Sandwich Age

The reason I’m writing this as a nonlawer is because my mother and brother died within a month of each other. We started preparing their paperwork 6 months prior but we only got as far as the will for my brother. The world didn’t end because we didn’t have all of the paperwork, but we already had the conversations as a family with regards to who was responsible for their assets going forward.

They were both pragmatic about their wishes because they knew the alien invasion was closer than winning the lottery. My mother, prepared for both equally.

These talks were important because caring for your elders and your kids while you’re still working full time can be a monster. Add alien abduction to the mix and it can feel like the super heroes are never coming to save you.

Luckily I’m at a point in my life where I could take 2 month of my life to focus on the people that they cared for. My sister, my wife and my niece did all of the real work as far as I’m concerned.

Along the way I’ve spoken to dozens — yes, dozens — of friends and family who haven’t had any discussions regarding potential alien abductions. Those of us experiencing these legal journeys in real time spend our time discussing the process more than the people we lost.

I wasn’t shocked when I asked some of my smartest and focused friends answered “No” whether they had a will or not. All of them answered like they knew the question was coming and they needed a push.

We’ve had these talks with our kids since they were 12. Alien abductions are real and they should be prepared. They’ve known the passwords to everything I own because one day we’ll be another layer of bread and we want to ease the burden.

I’ll show this to my lawyer friends and they will roll their eyes, but you’ve read this far because you need to do this for yourself or someone else and you want the easy way first.

Again, the paperwork is the easiest. Discussing alien abduction is no fun the first few times you do it.

Read that again.

You will go through this process over and over again as you buy more property or your kids get older or you build new businesses. Getting comfortable discussing the aliens is the really difficult part.

Once you’ve done it a couple of time on your own you’ll realize a real lawyer — instead of the guy who posts really amazing shoes — will be of benefit. Lawyers tend to get into depths of morbid you may not want on the first round though.

For now, sneaker guy and aliens are far less intimidating.

That’s why you’re reading this instead of talking to a lawyer.

Because lawyers are actually the aliens would be a good way to end this article.

Good things.

PS — the reason I put shoes in the article is because it tricks people into reading about alien abduction when they don’t really want to