I was Kidnapped into “The Program”
It’s as traumatizing as it sounds
My eyes open. It is 2:32am according to the digital alarm clock on my bedside table. Why am I awake? At 16 years old I slept like a rock, so waking in the night was unusual for me.
The room is dark, pitch black actually. I insisted on heavy curtains so the summer sun wouldn’t disturb me while I slumbered until noon. All I can see in the blackness is the glowing green numbers 2:32.
Something’s not right, but what is it? I see a shadow move near the foot of my bed. I remain still while I study the area, trying to focus my eyes while looking into the dark. I don’t see anything. What woke me?
I look back at the clock. I watch it change to 2:33. As if that time change were a cue, harsh light filled the room. I put my hand up to my face trying to protect my fully dilated pupils from the disorienting light.
I am momentarily blinded, blinking while my eyes adjust. I’m trying to gather my senses when I hear my mother’s voice come from the hallway.
“This is for your own good.”
Was she talking to me? As my vision clears I become aware of two large men standing at the foot of my bed.
I am instantly terrified. The fear comes so quickly I feel like I have been shot. I know what is happening. I am being kidnapped into the program.
“Get up, it’s time to go. You need to get dressed,” demands one of the strange men.
I’m sitting upright in bed now, back against the wall. I need to escape! There is no way I can get through the window. I’m not even sure it opens and we’re on the second floor.
I continue to search the room for a way out when I notice my mother standing in the doorway looking teary eyed. Why the hell is she crying? She’s not the one being kidnapped.
Denial
I utter the only word I can muster: “NO!”
My panic escalates and tears begin streaming down my face. I hate that I cry whenever I’m afraid! My mother says more words but there is a fire alarm screeching inside my head. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I realize that it’s not just my internal dialogue, I am actually screaming.
One of the men asks my mother to leave the room and she disappears into the darkness. I would not see her again for a year.
I scream for my mother to come back, begging at the top of my lungs not to do this.
“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM! Please, NOOOOO!!!!”
Anger
My fear is now anger, maybe even hatred toward my mother. She is abandoning me. She paid these men, now blocking the door, to steal me. I am still in bed. My muscles have frozen and I am curled up against the wall as small as I can be. I am wailing for my mother like an injured animal.
“Listen to me,” says the man. “Please, stop screaming.”
I start to hyperventilate. Snot and tears cover my face. I won’t let this happen to me!
“I’M NOT GOING! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME GO!” I shout between labored breaths.
I try to sound fierce but it feels like I’m posturing to scare away a bear. Everyone knows I’m no match for these bears.
A woman suddenly barges in, between the two men. Where did she come from? Had she been there all along? In a moment she is standing over me looking down.
“We can do this the easy way or the hard way.”
This can’t be happening, I have plans tomorrow! What will my friends think when I stand them up? My mother knows ALL OF THIS. What lies will she tell them?
Bargaining
I am still crying and hyperventilating but I’ve stopped yelling. Now I’m trying to think of a way to get out of here. The men approach and grab me by each of my arms, dragging me from the bed. I’m on the floor now in my tank top and panties.
I chose the hard way.
They ask me to get dressed. I refuse, flailing my arms and legs at anyone who tries to come near me.
One man lets out an exasperated sigh. Like I’m the one ruining his night.
“That’s it!” says the other man.
From behind me, he restrains both of my arms and picks me up off the hardwood floor. He begins to carry me out of the room. NO! I place one foot on each side of the door frame while he tries to push me out.
Maybe if I scream for help, the neighbors will call the police.
“HELLLLLLLP!”
I’m still cursing my mother in between my cries. I know she can hear me.
“I will never forgive you for this! HELLLLP!!!”
I remain locked in the doorway, spread eagle in my underwear while the woman and the other man stand uncomfortably in the hallway. They must not have expected me to fight.
After some time my legs begin shaking from the effort of fighting my abduction. This is a bit of a stalemate. I don’t know what to do other than carry on screaming. I’m listening for police sirens.
Why do I want to stay here? If I get outside I can just run away.
That’s it! I should just get outside and run. These guys are big but I’m fast. I’ll run until I can’t run anymore, I will run for my life!
I let my body go limp.
“FINE! Let me get dressed.”
I sigh heavily as the man cautiously lowers me to the ground. I hesitate because I know this is what they want. On the other hand, I can’t run away in my panties.
Right. I turn back to make a clothing selection. I had carefully chosen items and laid them out the night before, but those clothes were for normal teenager shit. What do you wear for a kidnapping?
I pull on a pair of running shorts. Wouldn’t want to mess up my new JNCOs while trying to escape an abduction.
The three kidnappers are watching me.
“Can you guys leave so I can put a bra on?”
They all say “no” in unison.
I am still for a moment while I consider my options. Kidnapping is one thing but I hadn’t expected such a violation of privacy. I won’t change in front of them and humiliate myself further.
I decide to wear the tank top without a bra. I sit down on the bed and pull on a pair of socks.
“My shoes are downstairs.”
I don’t want to talk to them or acknowledge their presence any more than I have to.
The woman exits the room and one man follows her. The remaining man indicates that I should follow them.
We go down the narrow stairs in a line. One man in front of me, one man behind me. We are led by the woman. This is so ridiculous. I just need my shoes.
We arrive in the living room. I side-eye the dark space of the dining room. Where is my traitor mother? Is she hiding from me? “I hate you mother!!!” I scream hoarsely into the darkened space. I’m on the verge of losing my voice.
The strangers motion me towards the door.
“I still have to find my shoes.”
I would later learn that it was naive of me to believe I’d be allowed the dignity of wearing shoes.
“I’ve got them,” says the woman, “let’s go.”
I ask her to give me the shoes and she says “no.” My plan to run is slipping away. I feel my chest tightening and the fear washes over me again. I collapse onto the floor. At least it’s carpeted.
I have no more tears to cry but the snot is forthcoming. My panic intensifies.
“Why can’t I have my shoes?!” I try to sound reasonable, but it comes out as a hysterical whine. I am broken.
The panic attack escalates and the two men picked me up by each of my arms again. They drag me outside the house where a 4 door sedan waits in the dark with an open back door. I feel the asphalt under my socks. I can’t run in socks!
All of the fight turns to fear as my run plans disintegrate. The most I can get out between the breaths of my panic attack is “No!” “Stop!” and “Don’t!” My abductors pay no attention.
I am nothing.
Depression
They shove me into the backseat where I continue to make uncontrollable noises. The two men get into the back seat on either side of me. There is a fourth person in the front seat now. The driver? He appears as a dark shadow to me. As do they all.
I realize that I can’t see the details of their faces because I don’t have my glasses. For some reason I’m comforted. Maybe confronting the horrors that lie ahead won’t be as scary if I can’t see the details. Like covering your eyes during a horror film.
I’m silent now as we begin the drive out of town. I am utterly defeated. My face is still covered in my own tears and snot. I have no reason to clean my face because my life is over. Why not look the part?
We’ve only gone a few blocks. A flash of red light catches my attention. The sedan was being pulled over! I’m saved!
The driver gets out to meet the police officer and the woman follows with a folder in hand. I remain uncomfortably squeezed between the two silent men, disappointed. I wonder what kind of conversation is happening right now.
Yes officer, we’re trafficking an underage girl but we have permission, you see? All the proper paperwork is in order for this kidnapping. Her mom signed off and everything.
Acceptance
After a few minutes the driver and the woman return to the car. Not even the police care about me. I am stoic. My fear and anger has dissipated into shock. Stunned silence. Utter disbelief.
We leave town. I’ll never see it again.
June 13, 2:33am is the precise moment. The sun was rising on a new day.
We drove west, leaving my childhood behind forever.
