He Was My Title, I Was His Chapter
There is nothing more I strive for in this life, than to be a whole, complete, and independent woman.
That wasn’t always the case though. I was never explicitly taught to discover who I am in this life, before indulging in a relationship that would “complete” me. Especially as women, from a very young age we are embedded with the idea of being someone’s something. Your identity never begins with you. It typically starts with who you are to others. Wife, mother, sister, girlfriend, etc.
I want being me to be, plenty. Not just enough, but plenty.
It’s the classic story. Girl meets boy. Girl falls in love with boy. Girl doesn’t know who she is without boy. He was the title of my story. Not just a piece, but the whole damn thing. With the only explanation being, that I just didn’t know any better. It would have been fine if it worked out, right? Well everything would be fine if everything worked out. It has to not work out, more often than not. Spoiler: it didn’t work out. But of course, after growing up and doing some soul searching, it was undoubtedly in my best interest that it didn’t. I selfishly wish my younger self could have wrapped her mind around that so much sooner.
I can’t get caught up in the whole, “I was his chapter” part too much, because it really messes with my head. So many questions fly around that I will never have the answers to. I often wonder if I had known the impending outcome, would it have changed anything? Truthfully, would I have actually left first? The answer is no, probably not. I was never strong enough for that. Looking back now sounds comical, but it was the truth. He was my title. He was my present and he was my future. There wasn’t a dream or a goal that he wasn’t to be a part of. I was clearly all in. In 24 hours, it was all left to me. All the plans and dreams went from two people in the picture to one. The only important one I might add. It sounds so dramatic, but that’s because to me it was. I had no direction all of a sudden. I had no one to make those plans and work with until they came true. It was me now. I wish that I could say I was happy about that, and I never looked back and was thriving immediately. It took me an embarrassingly amount of time to genuinely be in that place. Embarrassing to me now of course. I am not that girl anymore and we should all be grateful. Trust me.
Who’s to say there won’t be another heartbreak in my lifetime. That’s not what I’m afraid of anymore. I now know and firmly believe in who I am. As a woman, a sister, a daughter, a friend, and the occasional comedian, that is plenty.
As much as you think this was about him, it wasn’t. It was about me. As much as you think pieces of your life aren’t about you, they are.
Of course now, he will forever be just a chapter.
Caroline.
