My Inescapable Companion
What is my first memory of who would become my special companion throughout my life? Hard to say really, it is as if one day he was just there, waiting for me to acknowledge him. Certainly by the time high school came upon me, he was with me all the time. He was annoying, and I tried my best to avoid him whenever I could. Attempts to lose myself in a crowd, just made him more determined to “befriend” me.
Strolling down the boulevard at Revere Beach, at a party surrounded by friends, even at home despite the buffer of my two brothers and five sisters, he would always find a way to make himself known to me, to taunt me with his presence. He dared me to get rid of him, once and for all. But I was unable to do it, I more often than not, gave in to him, and tolerated his presence. Why? This writing is an attempt to try to understand it .
The only place that offered sanctuary against him was when I attended Mass. Whether he left me alone there out of common decency, or church made him nervous, I’ve never found out.
I would characterize him, certainly not as a true friend, but more like an unwanted critic, and self appointed judge of my actions. He never let me be satisfied with whatever I was currently working on, I could always do more, do it better.
Ah, the pain my dealings with him brought me! Sometimes it was acute and debilitating. At other times, more an ache that would ebb and flow, but always enough to let me know that it wouldn’t go away, just as he wouldn’t. There was a whisper of a promise, however, that our relationship would come to an end, if( a small word, but a mountain to overcome) I replaced him with a better companion, one that would fill the emptiness that he could see inside of me. Damn his arrogance, that he thought that he knew me better than I knew myself.
So when I found that special person to share my life with, and was about to be married, though he was invited to the wedding, I fully expected that would be the last time I would see him. Wrong. Marriage was not enough apparently to allow me to escape his attention and affection. Oh no, one person wouldn’t be enough to replace him. Surely, after the birth of our first child, which brought me and my wife so much joy, that would suffice. No again, and not the second, or third , or fourth child that we were blessed to have, nor the grandchildren that followed who I love so much that it is an inside out, visceral feeling. He somehow knew that the emptiness was still there, less painful, but still present.
So what will it take for me to be free of this curse? Though the answer has been there right in front of me, I’ve ignored it because the sacrifice it would demand seems too difficult. Where would I find the courage? I will have to surrender my very independence as a person, to trust totally in the Other, and to let go of my hope for a successful and comfortable life. It would mean truly putting into practice what I have always, at least publicly professed, that I believe in a personal, loving Saviour. I don’t know if I can do it, but I also know that my lifelong companion, my loneliness, will never end, unless I do.
