“A Neurotic’s Guide to Small Talk”

“Q: “Hey, how’s it going?
In this instance, the speaker is somewhat interested in knowing how you are, but only the smallest details. Don’t over-share, but don’t under-share, either. Keep your answer succinct and stop doing that thing with your hands. Everyone is watching you do that thing with your hands and the longer you stand there, the more prominent the hand thing becomes…
Q: “Want a refill of that drink?”
Here, your bartender is clearly referencing that time you spilled a glass of wine on yourself at Brian’s housewarming and couldn’t find any seltzer water and you went into Brian’s room and threw your wine-stained shirt in his trash and then stole an old button-down shirt of Brian’s that sort of resembled your shirt and tried to make it seem like you’d been wearing it the whole time. Ha ha, nice try, bartender. Quickly laugh so the bartender knows you’re cool and fun, then slowly walk to the other side of the bar, far away from this demon person.”

Oh my gosh this is perfect.

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