The End of an Era
One of the tools I’ve used over the years in for my own growth has been Family Constellations. While often done in groups, it can also be done in pairs, and I’ve had success working this way solo.
It’s the first weekend in February, 2017. I’m hanging out in the space between sleep and wake, having a conversation with an ancestor I have some affinity with. I didn’t come with a specific thing but something still bothered me. I still wasn’t experiencing the relationship vivacity I desired, and I straight up asked her, “what else do I need to give back?”
She replied, “Give us back our sexual shadow.”
So I did. I started at the farther-away-end, the 8th generation back in my father’s line, and started working forward. Each time it was a little more personal and a little more charged, and each time I felt lighter.
Then I got to my dad. There was definitely a charge there, a surge of emotion from out of nowhere. Even as this washed over me, I followed through.
Almost immediately I was taken back to the memory that got me started on this whole journey in the first place. I was taken back to the place of lying on my back in the shadow of a man who was taking is pleasure from me without consent.
And then the shadow turned and left.
And then the shadow turned and left.
My connection to the sun/source was restored. My cells no longer felt like they harbored a darkness I had to protect others from. I was free.
I’m still, six months later, integrating this change. Suddenly my social noticing resolution quadrupled. And I feel like I’m 25 years behind my age group in social street smarts, and whoa that feels awkward… but not anywhere close to the ambivalence and awkwardness I constantly carried with me before.
I’ve had about one year now of experiencing life without that shadow looming over my cells. Even as I reenter the workforce after a hiatus and engage socially in new ways, I feel so much lighter. My whole worldview is shifting and that’s okay. More abundance, more opportunities, more mistakes, more bumps, more awkward, more fun. More connection.
Two relationships spawned almost immediately — one blew up, and made me reevaluate my role as a healer in relationships, and made it very clear that I cannot depend on this to hold a relationship together. The other has taught me the time value of information: sooner is better, even when it’s hard to tell someone something you know is going to be painful to them.
Who knew abundance required so much getting used to?
I got there. It’s kind of awesome to reconnect with my 24yo self and his dedication, commitment and love and tell him he got there. We did it. Feeling tension leaving my core. Part of me is still in shock. Part of me wants to celebrate. Part of me wants to play.
One thing is for certain: my next 40 years are going to look a lot different than my last 40! :)
Back to the Beginning: Inklings of a Problem: High School Social Awkwardness
