Day 381
Unexpected
Goddamn you grief.
<insert shaking fist at heavens>
Just when I thought I was starting to do a little better, you nail me with an out of the blue, unexpected jag of crying while talking with someone. So not fair to do to that unassuming person who, on noting my bright-ish energy, said that it looked like I was doing okay.
Truth is, I am okay. I’m better than okay because the thing I know about pain and grief is that the person who I become on the other side of the chasm, once I’ve fallen to the rocks, dragged myself across the bottom and pulled myself up the other side, that person is a better version of me. Stronger. Wiser.
Besides, as it was pointed out to me there is a crucial thing that I must consider in my path of healing. Truman spent the entirety of his life, dedicated his very existence, to my well being. Full stop.
Putting aside the literal saving of life scenarios (of which there were two), this magnificent soul focused on my every action, every word, every breath. When I breathed in, he exhaled. If I moved, his eyes tracked me. When we were together, his energy grounded me and helped me stay on track.
To allow myself to wallow in grief, to put aside the journey to joy, is disrespect to his memory of the highest degree. He would hate knowing I was miserable. He would hate knowing that I was in pain. He would want me to feel joy. He would want me to embrace the rest of my pup posse and make sure that they are alright. He would want me to move forward with purpose and use this pain as fuel to drive me, to accomplish things about which I’ve written (privately) and talked for years.
It’s time to do those things … That Truman won’t be with me to experience them is painful … but would be more painful to not proceed, knowing that his spirit is with me.



Today’s Gracious Gratitude. I am grateful for:
- Having been asked to join the Board of an organization doing work in which I deeply believe
- Showing people my little oasis and watching their shoulders drop and their spirits relax
- My dogs
- Awakening pre dawn and being excited about the day
- The gift of being able to teach
- Meeting a new dog named Rupert
- Weekends that unfold precisely as they are supposed to

