Day 386

Cathy Brooks
Sep 7, 2018 · 3 min read

The Anger Wrapper

It’s just so easy. It’s just so comfortable. I’m in discomfort and pain and the last thing I want to do is feel that so I’m going to get angry. The at whom and for what part doesn’t matter, it’s just about being repellent enough that I don’t have to go inward.

So that’s old stuff.

Instead, making the choice to pull back just enough to breathe, function enough to get some things done and mostly retain a cushion around myself so that the sharp edges of my pain don’t poke out at anyone else.

It’s exhausting.

Then there’s that moment when someone else’s self righteous anger bubbles because THEY are having a bad day and their bad day oozes into yours and … oooooh… talk about a chemical reaction. It’s like in that middle school chemistry class when all lab coated and goggled we’d pour things into one beaker and then another, watching smoke undulate and things fizz and foam. Except when it comes to the friction of negative emotions the chemistry is more Vesuvian in nature.

There’d have been a time I’d let that be the catalyst to release the dragon from its lair, scorched earth fire breathing destruction all around.

Not today, my soul said. Not today.

You know why? Because this image popped up on my phone

Truman. Always Truman. To those who are wondering at this point why a grown-ass woman who’s now nearly two months out from the death of a DOG reels still? Well, if you’re wondering that the truth is that you probably aren’t reading this anyway. Because by now you know that this creature who was very much canine in this incarnation was decidedly more than that on many fronts. He was my Tru(man) North. While talking with a friend this morning about the stormy emotional seas that frothed on this gorgeous cloudless fall day, she very calmly noted that I was thrashing around in the surf without the life preserver on to which I’d held for 12 years. I was being forced to swim.

I hate swimming.

I like floating. I like the sensation of buoyancy, being held and suspended. That sense of being protected and safe. Swimming in rough tides? That’s all kinds of scary.

But swim I must. Because in that photo I see those eyes. I close my own and think about what he would have me do.

Cry, a little. Breathe, a lot. And soldier on.

And most of all, don’t let those whose own manner of dealing with their own trauma (emotional or otherwise) is to lash out, don’t allow them to push me into that old behavior.

I didn’t.

I call that a win.



Today’s Gracious Gratitude. I am grateful for:

  • Truth tellers
  • Realizing that someone I’d been holding to unreasonable expectations was disappointing me not because they were failing but because I was off base in expecting anything
  • Course correcting on relationships in the spirit of self care
  • Knowing that I had a great workout the other day and loving how that feels
  • My dogs
  • Getting a chance to have a good chat and connection with someone whose path has always crossed mine in quick spurts and finding, on the deeper connection, that they are even more awesome than I’d anticipated
  • Sleep
  • People who pique my curiosity

Gracious Gratitude

There are studies that show a simple practice of gratitude awareness can be a real game changer for productivity.

Cathy Brooks

Written by

Raconteur and Silicon Valley expat who’s gone to the dogs … literally. Read more here http://www.hydrantclub.com/our-pack

Gracious Gratitude

There are studies that show a simple practice of gratitude awareness can be a real game changer for productivity.

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