Havas and Kardashians Reinvent the Ad Agency

The Kardashians and Havas are excited to announce the birth of a new advertising agency, Swag. With a $200 million Series A from Andreesen Horowitz, Swag is expected to disrupt the ad agency compensation model.

“With Swag, we expect a 55% decrease in operational costs AND a 150% increase in client retention. More clients, no paid employees. Finally, this whole marketing thing makes sense.”
– Marc Andreesen

Why Reinvent the Ad Agency?

Kris Jenner, CFO of Swag, laughs. Why?! Ad Agencies are freakin’ dinosaurs! These folks have tried every business model in the book — project, hourly, success-equity hybrids, retainer, and whatever. At Swag, these asinine compensation models set sail…for the island of misfit toys.

With help from Havas and Andreessen, we’re going to redefine the advertising agency — with tech older than money.

“Our innovation is barter. We barter with swag.
Swag is what people really want.”
- Kris Jenner

Swag Truths

Clients — Brands could care less about that whole ‘programmatic transformational change agent / disruptive emotional brand innovation / value chain optimization’ crap. Clients do want to get turnt with famous folks.

• Employees — Most marketing employees view a salary as supplemental to his/her trust fund. Can anyone live in NYC on $40K?! Let’s be honest–a potential employee needs mahoosive bucks before considering a marketing career.
• Target Market—Users could give two fracks about toothpaste ads featuring a wisecracking kitten. How bout a date with Rose Bertram instead? Can you say…conversion? For sure!
• Compensation — Salaries are a friction-filled middle layer in need of disruption. A Salary is a means to an end. Why not give employees what they really want? You can’t party with a direct deposit.

Swag over Salary

Kris Jenner explains. Salaries are a significant impediment to running any profitable business. At Swag, we pay in parties, levels of celebrity access, and (of course) Gavriel bucket bags. Examples include:

• Party with two on-site B-Listers ($150)
• Seat with Kylie Jenner at favorite brunch spot ($900)
• Karaoke outing with Miley Cyrus ($10,000)

• On set VIP Access to Jen Selter’s Sex Tape ($20,000)
• Celebrity pre-worn Borgezie Stilettos ($150,000)
• Private Kim Kardashian Butt Viewing ($950,000)
• Front Row Seat at Caitlyn Jenner’s RNC speech ($1,250,000)

“Who works for a salary these days?! People should get into marketing for the right reasons.”
– Matt Weiss (Swag CMO)

Swag Retains Clients

Generally, we charge 30% more than the average ad agency. An occasional private celebrity encounter keeps our clients happy and accounts out of review.

Swag Testimonials

“If Paris Hilton thinks my butt looks gross I really don’t care. At least I have a butt.”
– Kim Kardashian

“I got into marketing for the glamour. I feel like I’m returning to my roots.”
- Dave Morgan (Swag ECD)

“I hate the work from Swag. I loooove Swag parties with Kate Upton!”
– Undisclosed Client

“Now that parties and clothes are free, I’m spending through my Kardashian Kard at a much slower rate.”
- Tom Loockx (Swag ECD)

“Last year, I banked $420k. This year, I bought Emily Ratajkowski an aperitif wine cocktail. Foregoing a salary was totally worth it!”
- Tim Maleeny (Swag Chief Strategy Officer)

“I’ll tolerate hot pocket adverts as long as I get to bake with Snoop.”
- A Relentlessly Re-targeted (Not) Hot Pocket Consumer

“Something Interesting is Happening – Tom Goodwin.
Whoa, I just quoted myself quoting myself!”
- Tom Goodwin (Swag Chief Futurist)

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- Fred Benenson (Swag Copy Chief)

“With my new promotion, I have VIP access to upcoming celebrity sex tape shoots. My future at Swag is so exciting”
– Undisclosed (Swag Senior Strategist)

“Swag furthers my modeling career. My trust fund pays for the Manhattan crash pad. I’m stoked!”
– Candice (Swag Account Director)

Swag is King

In its first 3 months, Swag has landed projects for Coke, Apple, Nike, GE, Samsung, Intel, McDonalds, Facebook, Oracle, and 50+ others. This year, Andreesen expects Swag to double its $200 million investment. With top talent, no salaries, and a complete lock on celebrity access, Swag is projected to outbill all other ad agencies combined within 3 years.