11 Ways to Make Baseball Fun Again
Ever since Bryce Harper asked to ‘Make Baseball Fun Again’, legions of crusty members of the old guard have come out of the woodwork, dusted off their dictaphones, and exploited any media sap willing to crank up their web traffic with a controversial musing from a retired Major Leaguer.
And while these baseball ‘traditionalists’ are entitled to their archaic, sometimes racist-y opinions about the dangers of change and progress, they can’t argue with the facts. Nielsen places the median baseball viewer at 51.4 years old. Youth enrollment is declining. Even the World Series has lost some razzle-dazzle. And returning to/protecting an era of the game where library-level cheers were considered raucous is not the answer.
So the bitching and moaning old-guard be damned, it’s time to wake up the sleeping giant that is Major League Baseball. Here’s a full playbook on how we can start to rejuvenate the game.
1) Embrace the swagger.
In a senile tirade against Jose Bautista, Yoenis Cespedes, nerds, the Little League World Series, car keys jingling too much in his pocket, and how air doesn’t taste like it used to, Yankees Hall-of-Famer Goose Gossage called out baseball for losing its way. According to Goose, in the good old days, baseball was special because no emotion was ever shown on the field. (In Goose’s world, it was much better to bottle it up, and save it for when you feel like beating the shit out of one of your teammates in the shower. But I digress.)
One of issues with Goose’s tirade (and it’s so hard to choose just one) is that the country-club vision he has for the game is not an essential part of baseball. Nobody walks into a stadium and says ‘Gee I love this sport, but could they tone down that excitement a little bit?.’ Celebrations enhance the great moments, and more importantly, humanize our sport gods. So let them celebrate.
2) Protect the Swagger
If Major League Baseball wants players to show some emotion and personality, they need to end the one practice that could prevent it — retaliation through beanings.
At some point in baseball’s long and sometimes dark history, somebody decided to enforce ‘unwritten rules of the game’. This code (paraphrased here, since, well, it’s ‘unwritten’), says that celebrating, boasting, showboating, smiling, smirking, yawning, looking at clouds, not smirking, or a host of other slights (real or perceived) would be met with a 97mph fastball to your vertebrae. (Or if you’re ‘lucky’ according to many sportscasters, a 90mph fastball to the thick part of your thigh.) This ‘eye-for-a-spleen’ system for doling out justice is incredibly one-sided, as hitters have little recourse, short of a very well-placed come-backer. If MLB wants more swagger in the game, they need to prevent the ability of a pitcher to retaliate.
3) Market the True Superstars.
Evan Longoria might be the guy that you want your daughter to end up with, but Kris Bryant is the guy that’s going to get her. At least for a night or two. Relevance today means piggy-backing on the already loyal followings of the Instagram savy, aspirational superstars like Harper, Fernandez, and Bryant. Rather than leaving them out in the cold, give them the keys to the Porsche, and let them take it for a six-day, booze-filled, wild-underbelly-exploring bender.
4) Fuel the Flames of Individual Rivalries.
Harvey vs. Harper. Jones vs. Donaldson. Kershaw vs. Posey. MLB needs to do a better job of playing up feuds and personal battles. If Peyton and Brady found themselves in the same Papa Johns, the NFL would find a way to pitch the showdown to HBO. The MLB needs to steal a page from their playbook, and build some real tension and intrigue in the game.
5) Bring back the Expos.
You have a dormant fanbase, that at the best of times, frothed at the mouth to get into games. Down in Tampa, a great year sees the stadium 15% full. Give up, and bring back a franchise to a place that actually cares.
6) Tap into popular culture.
Take a chapter from the NBA, and actively promote better integration of art, music and celebrity into the game. We’re not saying global ambassadors everywhere, but baseball references in music are usually reserved for sappy country music choruses about the good old day. Start treating behind-the-plate like court-side, and they will come.
7) Speaking of pop culture, baseball movies need a gritty, Christopher-Nolan-esque reboot.
Pound for pound, baseball movies are arguably the greatest sports movies on the planet. But I’d kill for a David Fincher exploration of the dark, seedy side of the game. Either that, or a TV series. The NFL has ‘Hard Knocks’, the NHL has ‘24/7’, hell even Tennis got the mockumentary ‘7 Days in Hell’. Imagine watching and hearing John Farrell unravel emotionally as Pablo Sandoval stops to catch his breathe while walking from the on-deck circle to the batter’s box. This is TV Gold.
8) Fitted jerseys.
In an age where manned missions to Mars aren’t just a pipe-dream, why oh why can’t we make jerseys that don’t make Giancarlo Stanton look like Samwise Gamgee? (I mean, have you seen Stanton in the ESPN Body Issue? He had shoulders the size of some Iowan townships.) These are professional athletes, stop trying to hide them with floppy, always one size too big uniforms. Make the sport cooler by making your athletes look cooler.
9) Bigger ownership personalities.
Please oh please let Mark Cuban (and owners like him) into the ranks of baseball ownership. He’s clearly the heir to Steinbrenner, and would likely run onto the field to scream at umpires himself. The spirit and anger of an individual owner is great for the game, as it inspires the fans by proving that the team and people who run it actually care as much as they do.
10) Fix the Yankees.
Something isn’t quite right in the world of baseball when the Evil Empire isn’t operating at its Omni-Corpiest. With Hal at the helm, and the reputable stewardship of Cashman, it’s been too long since the Yankees truly gave you a reason to despise them. Hating the Yankees is one of the most integral parts of being a ball fan. Please find a way to make them evil again.
11) Standardize the size of fields.
This is the one item on the list that would actually change gameplay, but it needs to be done. So called ‘cavernous’ ballparks that suffocate hitters and their averages should be wiped off the face of the earth. While a 1–0 pitchers duel is nice on occasion, that occasion should not be every night.
