6 Bold Predictions For How This Off-Season Ends.
If this off-season has taught us anything, it’s that literally anything is possible at any time, and we should stop trying to predict what’s about to happen, because as soon as we do, something else batshit crazy happens, blowing-away all of our pre-conceived notions, and leaving us mouths agape, wondering where we are, and what could feasibly happen next.
But since there’s no fun in sitting back and letting the future come to you, we’re not going to do that.
So with the ground still moving beneath us in the wake of the Kyrie-IT Blockbuster, we’ve sat down, collectively gazed into our GSC crystal ball, and collected our thoughts on what we think could/might/definitely will/definitely won’t/wait, who was traded since this sentence started…? happen next.
2/3 of the Process Suffer Season-Ending Injuries Before Training Camp.
Why it’ll happen:
Philly fans should be excited — they’ve earned that right. After years of trotting out starting lineups featuring randomly generated 2K characters, their roster is oozing with potential. The key word here is potential though, and that’s something the city seems to be forgetting. They’ve spent the offseason doing a James/Bosh/Wade-esque rave-dance, despite the fact that the FEDS have yet to step on a floor together. The Basketball gods sent them a warning when Markelle Fultz’s ankle went bum in Summer League. If #Process2Playoffs trends before the season starts, there’s a good chance the injury god will come knocking again.
Why it won’t happen:
It will, but Hinkie will sneak into the operating rooms of Embiid/Fultz/Simmons and use parts harvested from the Orlando Magic to speed up the recovery process.
LeBron Announces His Plan to Test Free Agency.
Why it’ll happen:
LeBron has been sending up smoke signals all year, from the report he’s eyeing LA, to his frustration with Dan Gilbert’s dismissal of GM David Griffin, to the Kyrie bugaboo. LeBron’s been through this once before, and this time, he’s too smart to leave Cleveland fans guessing until the last minute. This time, he’ll use the entire season as a farewell tour, showcasing how the relationship with Gilbert has become untenable, and giving the Cavs faithful one more run, while witnessing his greateness.
Why it won’t happen:
LeBron is totally staying forever in Cleveland, and you can’t say anything to the contrary.
Wiggins Won’t Get His Max.
Why it’ll happen:
The T-Wolves had an excellent start to the off-season, first hoodwinking the Bulls into giving up Jimmy Butler for some lint Tom Thibodeau found in his belly button, then striking gold (or at least, some very shiny bronze) by grabbing useful vets like Jamal Crawford and Taj Gibson in free agency. But then something strange happened. A report came out that Wolves owner/Kentucky Senator from a 60’s B-List film Glen Taylor wouldn’t sign Wiggins to the Max until they could have a heart-to-heart, where Wiggins would pinky-swear that he’d try even harder in the future. It was a bizarre move that could have easily been avoided had Taylor simply picked up Wiggins in his private jet fleet, and sat him down man-to-man over dinner. Instead, it’s been made clear that people inside the organization have the same reservations about Wiggin’s long-term potential that people outside the organization do. Here’s saying that the eventual meeting isn’t fruitful, and Wiggins enters the season without a long-term deal in place.
Why it won’t happen:
Wiggins is a polite Canadian boy who will forgive Taylor for his doubt, and sign a long-term deal to ride shotgun to KAT for the next half-decade.
Jonas Valanciunas is Traded.
Why it’ll happen:
Magic Masai already tried to move the Lithuanian big at the draft, but failed to find a swindle deserving of Valanciunas’ tantalizing potential. But the draft is a time when hope springs eternal, while Training Camp brings about cruel realities, like starting Timofey Mozgov for 82 games. Masai will move on some team’s desperation, and add another piece to a Raps core desperate for another weapon.
Why it won’t:
Teams have finally realized how dangerous Masai can be, and will steer clear of dealing with him.
Somebody hires Phil Jackson as their Basketball Czar.
Why it’ll happen:
It’s been two months since the Knicks freed themselves of Jackson’s Jedi mind-meld, which means it’s time for the Zen Master to make a triumphant return. While there’s no evidence that Jackson even wants to come back now, the chance to fool another helpless franchise into thinking the triangle can work (looking at you Charlotte!) will be too much of a draw for Phil the Pill.
Why it won’t happen:
Rather than looking elsewhere, Phil instead focuses on re-wooing Miss Buss and weaseling his way back into Lakerland, an effort that is quickly stamped out by Lakers GM and Evangelical-Rob-Lowe-Impersonator Rob Pelinka.
Carmelo Anthony is Caught Sending Kissy Emojis to James Dolan’s Wife, Knicks Punish Him By Keeping Him.
Why it’ll happen:
This has less to do with any chemistry between Melo and the Mrs. and more to do with how uncomfortable this whole thing is getting. The Knicks have been sending mixed signals since deep-sixing Jackson, simultaneously trying to woo Anthony to stay while casually browsing Skyscanner to save a few bucks on his flight out of town. In a break-up more complicated than the Soviet Union’s disbandment, anything is truly possible. That’s why we’re putting money on the Knicks telling the world that they plan on rebuilding around Porzingis and Anthony, which pushes Anthony to do something drastic, like the aforementioned dalliance with Mrs. Dolan. In this soon-to-be-true future, Dolan announces that he not only plans to keep Anthony, he plans to double keep him, while re-installing Isaiah Thomas (the evil one) as the Knicks GM once again. Meanwhile Kristaps is seen buying a new suit and updating his CV.
Why it won’t happen:
These are the Knicks. Something much, much worse will happen.
