The World Cup Cheat Sheet for the Casual Fan
Who are the favourites? What are the major story lines? Which hooligans should you root for? The World Cup kicks off this week, and we’ve got answers to all of your pressing football related-questions.
Maybe your team didn’t make it. Maybe you don’t watch footy with the religious zealot-like devotion of many Europeans. Or perhaps you lost interest once you found out Christian Pulisic’s young, beautiful face was no longer part of the competition. Regardless, it’s summer, most major competitions are over (and let’s face it, NBA and NHL weren’t even that close to begin with) and it’s a sport and it’s on TV. Who are you kidding — you’re going to watch.
That’s why we’ve put together this little guide for you casual. In it, you’ll find recommendations of which teams you should cheer for, which players are bound to show out, the easiest teams to hate, which team has the most homogeneous last names, and much, much more.
Who To Cheer For
If you want a safe bet to bandwagon. You were a Heat fan four years ago, then spent some time bouncing between Cleveland and the Bay, and boy do we have the teams for you. Look no further than Brazil, France or Germany. All three teams are perpetual powerhouses and continuously compete for top standing across every international competition. Normally, we would include Spain in here, given that their team is coming off a streak of dominance not seen from the nation since the days of the Inquisition, but a very visible changing of the guard is happening right now which may curtail their chances.
Germany is always the odds on favourite. Strong, efficient in possession and meticulous in their execution, they’re the prime San Antonio Spurs of this equation. The French are experiencing a very strong national resurgence and barring any inadvertent headbutts, should go far. Brazil is the flashy pick, so if your heart lights up with delight every time you see Carson Wentz spin out of 15 sure tackles and deliver a perfect pass that makes you go “oh no, oh no, OH YEAH!” then Brazil may be your choice.
If you like the underdog. A few years prior, Belgium would be the easy choice here. But now, the land of beer and the world’s most boring town according to Colin Farrell movies is considered a contender— albeit a poorly coached one. So let’s look elsewhere.
Colombia springs to mind given their strength in attack and history of previous tournament success. If James Rodriguez manages to have a tournament that’s even remotely close to his showing in 2014, they can do well. Egypt is the hipster choice based of the relative strength (or lack thereof) of their group and having this year’s football patron saint Mohamed Salah. The Egyptian has been on a tear lately and if his time with Liverpool has proven anything, it’s that he can will his team to victory with a shoddy defence and non-existent keeper. Finally, Nigeria could be a sneaky choice to at least make it out of the group stage. They’re pacey and technical going forward, attack like it’s some sort of video game and are solid down the middle. If they do falter, it’ll be because of their defence, which is about as good at preventing leaks as the Trump White House.
If you like perpetual disappointment. England.
Key Players
Messi vs. Ronaldo. As always, this is something that we’ll talk about. Messi and Ronaldo are still widely considered the two of the best players in the world. Think of them as LeBron and Steph Curry right now. One, a powerhouse of human muscle held together by concentrated power of will, and sometimes spontaneous anger at the ball and his teammates. The other, a shifty, deceptive trickster who’s viable to scored from everyone and creates a near gravitational pull around himself.
Ronaldo, for his part, has almost a maniacal dedication to the sport. He’s in the Tom Brady/LeBron James/Wendy The Fitness Influencer From Instagram category when it comes to his dedication to sculpting the perfect football body. He has the kind of personality that leads me to believe that if he wasn’t an athlete he’d be a terrifyingly efficient serial killer. Messi on the other hand, is a lot more reserved and drawn back. He always seems like he’s having fun, but there’s also that awkward smile that makes you think that he doesn’t think that he belongs. Ronaldo revels in the moment, Messi is the moment. There have never been two more polar opposites grinding it out to be the GOAT.
The story with Messi and Ronaldo has always been club success with a perceived lack of international accomplishment. Messi, playing for a stronger Argentina side is yet to taste victory at a national level, while Ronaldo locked up the Euro’s about two years ago with an arguably weaker Portugal squad (lol, Eder) and in the middle of his three-straight Champion’s League run with Real Madrid. If you speak accolades, Ronaldo has the upper hand and everyone is looking to Messi to do something this year with Argentina.
Mohamed Salah. An entire country held their breath when Mohamed Salah went down with an injury earlier in May. That should tell you how important he is to Egypt. As the top scorer for both club and country, the Egyptian finds ways to weasel past 2, 3, 4 or even 5 defenders and find the net. He may be the most important player in this tournament not named Messi or Ronaldo and this could very well be the encore to his coming out party he’s been having all year at Liverpool.
Harry Kane. For years, the English national team was a premier destination for retiring footballers from the Albion. No more. Rather than rolling out a geriatric unit of aging stars, the Tree Lions are young and packed with talent, none more important than Harry Kane. One of the most prolific scorers of the ball, claiming credit for some he didn’t even touch on the way into the net, Kane may be England’s best hope to progressing far in the tournament, especially with a thinned out midfield lacking of creativity.
Neymar. This past summer, Neymar bounced on Barcelona (arguably a top-3 club in the world) for PSG, a French and very distinctly not top-3 club in the world, to prove his worth outside of Messi’s shadow. For the full calendar year, he’s been breaking ankles Kyrie-style and making defenders look like they wandered naked into a typhoon. On the national stage, he’s the most pivotal player for Brazil, as exemplified by their last World Cup loss to Germany when he wasn’t playing (7–1). If he wants to step out of Messi’s shadow, now is the time to do something Messi still has never done.
Kylian Mbappe. The French youngster is the one to watch for many reasons. For one, his future can lie in a variety of different directions if the FIFA Fair Play rules go against PSG and they can’t outright buy his services. For two, he has catapulted onto the world stage with blistering pace, clinical finishing and an array of comparisons to the greatest attacker the nation has ever produced (Google you some Thierry Henry). This is his first international competition and this is usually the stage young stars announce themselves for real.
Easiest Teams To Hate
France. Normally, Italy tops the table here because of… well being Italian, but also because of their grinding style of football that ruins all kinds of fun. Imagine being stuck in a tiny cage with a bear — that’s how playing Italy is. For France, there isn’t a stylistic reason, it’s just that they’re the French. Although if Didier Dechamps decides that the best use for Paul Pogba, one of the more prolific midfielders, is to maroon him as a holding mid again, this may change.
Brazil. They always seem to be having just a little bit too much fun.
Russia. Even before the World Cup, the general Russia disposition towards things that are not Russian is best described as “mistakenly believes to be better than.” Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Russia, in the mind of the average Russian, is the greatest country on Earth, with greatest athletes, technologies and leaders. Just for that alone they will probably be easy to hate. The alleged election interference, statewide corruption, assassinations of journalists, invasion of neighbouring countries and state-wide kleptocracy are just icing on the cake.
England. Imagine consistently believing that you’re one of the top footballing nations while always losing out in the early stages of the competition.
Key Storylines
Russia. Look, perhaps an international competition that involves a variety of cultures and nations isn’t best suited for a country with poor infrastructure, a history of corruption and a population known for tendencies of being nationalistic and at least mildly racist. Given Russia’s presence in the news right now for sports AND political reasons, it will be interesting to see how welcoming they will be to World Cup fans coming from every corner of the world. And more importantly, if that goodwill can hold-up when their team inevitably gets trounced in the group stage (you can actually conquer Russia, as long as it’s not in the winter).
Messi vs. Ronaldo. See above.
Team unity. There have been a variety of stories of teams not exactly being the most cohesive. The French aren’t exactly encumbered by a history of close friendships given that one teammate tried to blackmail another over a sex tape, there have been fights and they straight up mutinied on their manager once (Viva La Revolution!). I wish there were other examples, but let’s just focus on the French.
A possible changing of the guard. There are of course tournament favourites, but this World Cup has a hanging feeling of the change to come. While I still wouldn’t bet against Germany or Brazil, a team like Belgium or Uruguay can be primed to upset the order of things and push themselves into the upper echelon of contenders by winning it all. It could happen.
The Most Artistic Divers
Portugal. Professional football diving could very well be its own Olympic sport. If you’ve never seen a true football dive, picture Chris Paul flailing whenever any player so-much-as breathes next to him, and then multiply that artistry by 10. Nobody has perfected the art of being irreparably hurt for 2 minutes and then suddenly fixing their own body to take an inch perfect free kick quite like Ronaldo. It’s beautiful.
Brazil. Most South American teams really. Football’s intolerance for physical contact is really something to behold and no one takes advantage of it more than Brazil. A highly technical and skilled team, the Brazilians thrive in open space where they can make you feel as if they’re not regular players but some type of spider-human race with eight feet. When things get nippy inside however, they do start to feel the pressure, and that’s when diving happens.
Most Confusing Name
James Rodriguez is not pronounced like you think it is pronounced. Google it.
Team Most Likely To Fight Someone
I’m very tempted to say Iceland because of the whole viking thing, but they have really been nothing short of polite and embracing of the spectacle so that would just be rude. I think Russia, fueled by national pride, losing all three of their group matches and vodka will most likely be involved in an incident or twelve, to the delight of their fans.
Most Homogenous Team By Last Name
Iceland. There are quite a few “‘son”s on the Iceland squad thanks to their national naming policy, which gives them an edge over England and their attempt at a full starting XI of Barries. One day though, one day.
Team Who’s Fans Are Most Likely To Engage in Hooliganism (Not Counting Russia)
Given that the access to clean water in Russia is more scarce than the access to vodka, most fans are more than likely to spend their time drunk over sober, so it could be anyone. African countries are a really safe bet, in particular due to the racism of the hosts, but English hooligans have an axe to grind after their run-in with the Russians at the Euros, and the pre-tournament talk has been less than amicable.
Best Place To Watch the World Cup
Find a local pub — preferably run by a European fellow — and sit between two groups of opposing supporters. Enjoy both the match and the increasingly creative slurs hurled across the bar by both groups. Creativity will be directly proportional to amount of beers. Oh, and for the Love of God, try and find an English commentator stream.
Can We Still Criticize the Refs?
Absolutely. They won’t be live-tweeting during the games and they don’t really care what you think of them, but referee slander is a tradition unlike any other that everyone can get behind.
Serge Leshchuk is a senior writer at Grandstand Central, number one Process devotee and nihilist Raptors fan who also does video production. You can send your complaints about any footy related articles to him directly on Twitter.
