How Acrimonious Was Your NBA Break-Up?
Not all relationships are meant to last forever and some must come to an end sooner than later. Especially in the NBA.
There’s nothing like a good story of camaraderie. Saving Private Ryan, Band of Brothers, The A-Team, The Avengers (the less important A-Team) and of course LeBron James getting people paid. These stories warm your heart and fill your soul with hope for the future and your own partnership (I mean, someone dies in almost all of them, but that’s besides the point).
Then, there is an instance when a player chokes his coach during practice as if it were a WWE exhibition and all bets are off.
To determine the acrimony of a particular NBA break-up we need to look at multiple factors. First, we need to determine how public was the dispute? Did those involved choose to keep it under wraps or simply not talk about it? Did it leak to the press? Was there a tweet? Did both sides go to open war with each other?
Second we have to determine whether or not the break-up was meaningful. This can go two ways. One is, did a the break-up prevent a team from success? Did someone leaving kill their chances at a championship? Alternatively, did the person leaving leave for a better situation elsewhere?
After that, we will have to look at the “what did they do when they ran into each other moment.” We all have that when we run into our ex and we flex a little extra hard or talk about a raise we got (we didn’t get a raise). Something, anything to show that we’re better off. Or, if you’re like me, you stare into a vacuum as if your ex’s existence has been replaced by a floating, nebulous black-hole-like object.
Finally, we can look at whether or not the break-up lasted and how long did it last for. The best, messiest break-ups are for life.
Each of these is ranked 10/10 for a combined score out of 40.
There’s also a bonus intangibles category. The intangibles category includes all of the petty, wondrous things we do when our break-up is final. Do you untag them in all your photos? Do you send all of their friends a happy holidays card, but not them? Do you tell their new significant other about that one time in band camp? All bets are off for the petty stuff. Let’s begin.
Marc Gasol vs. David Fizdale
Publicity: I mean. Kind of. It wasn’t exactly a secret that Gasol and Fizdale weren’t exactly seeing eye-to-eye lately. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but my YouTube documentary traces this moment to the time Fitz didn’t name Gasol in his Data Rant™. It did however materialize when Marc Gasol went public with his displeasure about being benched, which is a decision that is usually made by the head coach, who Fizdale happened to be at the time. That being said, everything else has been somewhat tepid. 3/10
Meaning: I don’t think that changes Memphis’ hopes for the season very much, but there may be a scenario in which LeBron James makes Tyronn Lue the fall guy and brings in his guy. TBD/10
Reunion Moment: TBD
Length: One week and counting. 2/10
Intangibles: The Data rant definitely excludes Marc Gasol and I will definitely talk about it until proven otherwise, and even then I will still whisper it under my breath. Give it time. 2/10 + TBD.
Total: It’s a very low score of 7/40 but I am willing to give this time.
Kyrie Irving vs. LeBron James
Publicity: Kyrie Irving very publically asked to be traded from the Cleveland Cavaliers amidst speculation that it was LeBron’s last year in Cleveland, also perhaps due to someone in the organization suggesting that the curvature of the earth as seen from the team plane window in mid-air has greater significance. 7/10
Meaning: I don’t think the Cavs can beat the Warriors even if Kyrie stays. I also don’t think that the Cavs won’t make the Finals now that Kyrie left. Those things are still statistical probabilities so there isn’t much impact on this end. Kyrie however, is balling as a brand new bae on a team that’s one of the major competitors for Cleveland in the regular season. 5/10
Reunion Moment: It didn’t seem acrimonious in any way until LeBron James clamped down on Kyrie in the final seconds of their first game vs each other. 5/10
Length: We’ll see. 2/10
Intangibles: It’s hard to gauge whether Kyrie’s existential dilemma has any veiled shots at LeBron James because he seems to be operating entirely out of the 15th dimension of his chakras. LeBron however, the archduke of petty, has refused to call Kyrie anything else other than “the Kid.” 6/10
Total: 25/40
Kevin Durant vs. Russell Westbrook + City of Oklahoma
Publicity: Does a full-blown article on a major online publication ran by athletes count? Because if that counts, it seems to be very public. This wasn’t quite the “drag your things onto the lawn and burn them” public display, (that was done behind the scenes) yet it was public knowledge and followed by everyone to this day. 7/10
Meaning: This meant everything. Think of the most pure connection you’ve ever had in your life. Think of the moment when time stood still and you were just there, in the moment. Now, imagine all of that getting taken away from you literal seconds before that moment happened and having to watch the person who took it away from you share that moment with your rival. 10/10
Reunion Moment: Russell Westbrook did not make eye contact and Russell Westbrook did overall Russell Westbrook things. The thing here is, it’s hard to determine how meaningful this return was. Kevin Durant will never openly admit that it hurts him that a significant part of the United States of America openly despises him and will instead create faux Twitter accounts geo-tagged in Oklahoma to pretend that it actually loves him. Russell Westbrook will never admit to anything ever. I think if I were to choose one NBA player to not snitch on me on the stand, it would be Russ. Russ ain’t no snitch. Still, I’d like to think it was palpable. 8/10
Length: A year and change and still going strong. 6/10
Intangibles: Where do we even start? Russell Westbrook is the Vincent Van Gogh of Instagram shade. He is both subtle and incredibly overt about who he is talking about. He will never point his finger at you, but he will write a complex novella where every first letter of every chapter spells out your name and calls you a bum in the end. Russell Westbrook is the Keyser Soze of beef. 10/10
Total: 41/40
Ray Allen vs. The Boston Celtics
Publicity: The Boston Celtics were the Band of Brothers of the NBA. A collection of men assembled to achieve a goal together that they alone could not. Like Voltron, they merged into a team-slaying juggernaut and won their championship, right before Ray Allen decided it was time to get another ring without the help of his buddies. We all knew what was happening. 7/10
Meaning: Given that the Celtics won together and were still one of the better teams in the NBA, it isn’t unfathomable that they would put together just one more run at the chip. If the Spurs could do it, why couldn’t the aging Celtics? It wasn’t in the cards however as Ray Allen decided that two rings to himself is better than one common, hard fought victory with the unit. 7/10
Reunion Moment: I mean.
10/10
Length: Infinity till. Even Glen Davis is allowed to get shots in. When Glen Davis is allowed to get shots in you either have to retire or challenge him to a duel. 10/10
Intangibles: See above for aforementioned Glen Davis getting shots in. The man who once cried on national television. The man who once had a conniption at a Travelodge employee over extracurricular activities. The man who is Glen Davis. Then of course there is Kevin Garnett not inviting Ray to the Celtics reunion and Paul Pierce going on record saying that Ray was never part of the “Big Three.” Are we sure it wasn’t one of these two that catfished Ray? 10
Total: 44/40
Dwight Howard vs. The Lakers
Publicity: This is Hollywood. Nothing is ever not public in Hollywood. Sure, the Lakers made nice while there was a possibility of D12 returning to LA as their anchor in the post, but once the wheels came off that wagon, all bets were off. 6/10
Meaning: Dwight was supposed to make the Lakers a real contender. He was the superstar pairing that Kobe needed to get just one more ring to finish off his career with the same total as Jordan. Instead, Dwight was the harbinger of the Lakers downfall and almost single-handedly made them unwatchable before doing the same in Houston and then Atlanta. 6/10
Reunion Moment: To quote YG, don’t come to LA Dwight.
10/10
P.S. I’m pretty sure Kobe would stare down a rampaging rhinoceros without flinching if it meant winning a basketball game.
Length: Kobe will never forget. I’m sure he will play a compilation of Dwight’s worst moments at Dwight’s retirement or invite his kids to a cookout or something. 10/10
Intangibles: Dwight was Kevin Durant 1.0 in a sense that he avoided any kind of conflict that painted him anything else rather than aloof. Kobe’s strength was never subtlety. 3
Total: 35/40
Dwight vs. SVG
Publicity: They need to play this video if either SVG or Dwight get into the Hall of Fame.
10/10
Meaning: The Orlando Magic were a series away from back-to-back Finals runs. Sure, Stan did it by assembling scrap parts, pieces of string and holding it together by glue that is Dwight Howard, but they were close. As long as the Magic had Dwight and the coach who figured out how to make him work they had a chance to compete. 5/10
Reunion Moment: 2/10. I’m sure Stan used Hack-a-Dwight.
Length: No one should ever forgive Dwight Howard for anything. 10/10
Intangibles: Have you seen that interview? 5/10
Total: 32/40
LeBron James vs. The City of Cleveland
Publicity: Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams. Imagine finding the perfect ring for her, possibly the one that your grandmother used to have. Imagine biting the bullet and proposing to her in some sort of public setting with multiple people watching. Imagine that instead of saying “yes” she breaks out a 30-minute powerpoint presentation which ends with some sort of chump coming out from behind the oak tree in the background and telling you that she’s in love with him.
Would you really write her a letter in comic sans? 10/10
Meaning: LeBron James was the promised one. He was the golden child of the City of Cleveland. The city so devoid of sports hope it’s basically an emotional black hole (until 2016). He got them to the Finals and then when he couldn’t get them to the Finals again he got them as close as he could and folded. As the current iteration of Cleveland shows, as long as you have LeBron, you can make it to the Finals. As the Heat did. 10/10
Reunion Moment: According to LeBron, people threw batteries at him. I’m not sure what you think that would do except let him charge his bionic parts, but you do you Cleveland. 10/10
Length: When LeBron James decides he wants to come back to your basketball team, you let him. 5/10
Intangibles: For the longest time it was presumed that Bron would bring a chip to Cleveland, so I’d say his speech promising the same to Miami hurt. Cleveland fans meanwhile settled for burning jerseys on social media and letting their owner write in a font that’s not even appropriate for children’s birthday party posters. 10/10
Total: 45/40
Kobe vs. Shaq
Publicity: The crown jewel of NBA break-ups. The initial one. The one that started it all. They tried to keep it under wraps for as long as possible, but let me ask you this, is there a better way to immortalize something than by putting it in a book? 10/10
Meaning: Kobe and Shaq were one of the most dominant duos in NBA history. They snatched hopes of multiple teams on their way to a three-peat and as Shaq was winding down from his prime, Kobe was surging into his. Once the team managed to see the mistake in bringing in Malone and Payton and decided to rebuild around their tandem, they could have easily won at least two more together. Instead, Shaq went on to feast in Miami before Kobe surpassed him with his own double in LA. 10/10
Reunion Moment: This was one of the best return games in the history of NBA break-ups. Shaq was pulling a young Wade to his first NBA Championship while Kobe was trying to make things work with someone named Smush Parker. It was a close game and Kobe made a point to foul out Shaq. 10/10
Length: They say that it’s over, but ask yourself this, does Kobe really forget anything about anyone that’s ever slighted him? 8/10
Intangibles: This alone is worth a full 10.
Total: 48/50
