How To Talk About Basketball With Those Around You
Because yelling “Kevin Durant is better” is fine on Twitter (especially if you’re Kevin Durant or one of his many ghost accounts), but is somewhat suspicious in an office setting.
We’ve all been there, sports discussions with coworkers searching for common ground. I generally discuss the Bulls at least three times a week because my coworker is a huge Bulls fan and he goes for coffee runs at least 3 times. I get a free coffee out of it. It’s a win win. I get coffee, he gets a feeling that he isn’t alone in the sunken place of being a Chicago Bulls fans. But how do you to talk about basketball with those around you? Your loved ones. Your friends. Random strangers on Twitter who insist that Jaylen Brown is the next coming of Kawhi Leonard (for some reason always geo-tagged somewhere in the Massachusetts area, also mostly white).
Basketball conversation etiquette is important, in particular in the age where opinions are high, many people read Zach Lowe and statistics are readily available for anyone to look up. First, let’s establish a few ground rules about talking basketball.
Personal Bias Is Cool
It’s okay to have a bit of personal bias here and there. You’re a human. You’re allowed to favour someone over the other person. For example, I think Kevin Durant is a punk ass bitch and I mention the fact that Kevin Durant is a punk ass bitch every chance I get to mention that Kevin Durant is a punk ass bitch. I actively steer the conversations towards the Warriors so I can work it into a conversation. Kevin Durant can win the next six championships and I would still lead with “well, he’s still a punk ass bitch.”
What’s not cool though is letting your personal bias in the way of acknowledging certain arguments. I often use the qualifier “still,” (Kevin Durant is still bitch-made) as to admit that yes, the arguments I’m hearing have some merit, but in my eyes, they are compounded by this larger, more important point (which is Kevin Durant’s perceived punk ass bitch-assness). We can certainly not like a player or a team, but it’s totally not cool to not acknowledge when a player or a team are good just because of our own personal dislike. Respect the game.
Know When It’s Too Much Stats
Math is cool and all, just ask Daryl Morey, but sometimes you need to chill with the numbers. Sure, it’s important to point out when Giannis Antetokounmpo lines look more like web protected passwords that require you to have 6 characters, one digit and one Greek symbol, but if your argument consists entirely of you yelling VORP numbers at me in a high pitched tone like some sort of basketball designed R2D2 the argument is ending with me either walking away or going upside your head to reboot the programming.
Accept the Constants
Here’s the thing, there are just some things that we, as basketball fans have agreed on. It is part of our basketball lore and legend and is accepted at face value. There are basketball commandments that are treated as holy and may as well be etched in stone. While you may disagree on a variety of subjects such as “does not having a ring make John Stockton less valuable in the basketball pantheon” or “is Dwayne Wade a better shooting guard than Kobe” (no) you will accept some things at face value. Here are some things you shall accept at face value.
- Michael Jordan was the greatest player of all time.
- LeBron James is the only person close enough to Michael Jordan to even have you consider the alternative.
- Tim Duncan was the best player of his generation.
- Steph Curry’s jumpshot is the purest jump shot in the history of the NBA and has been scientifically proven to induce happiness.
- Vince Carter is the greatest dunker in the history of basketball
- Kirk Hinrich is the undisputed accessory king of the NBA (I actually had this thing when I would salute the screen whenever Captain Kirk scored a point)
- Kevin Durant ain’t shit
Okay, I made up that last one, and you can certainly argue otherwise, but I will forever maintain that Kevin Durant ain’t shit.
That’s pretty much all you need to know to start talking about basketball. There are a few other technicalities and nuances, but those don’t come into place until later. Furthermore, these are mostly conversation dependent and will vary topic to topic (never tell a Lakers fan Kobe isn’t a top 10 player (he isn’t)). Everything else, everything else is fair game. So let’s go.
Talking About Current Games
Commonly, this refers to talking about basketball action that is immediate (usually the games from the night before or even the current games if you’re having a conversation while watching basketball). The most frequent way to talk about this is to start the conversation with the “Did you see that _______?” The blank space here can refer to pretty much anything. It can refer to how Andrew Wiggins decided that he didn’t care about gravity as a theory anymore and dumped his own gravity onto Josh Richardson’s gravity and now Josh Richardson can’t jump for a week. It can refer to a stat line, such as Russell Westbrook putting up a game that alters the fabric of time and space and changes everything we conceptually know about basketball. It could also refer to a game or a tweet.
The “Did You See That ______?” is the easiest point of entry to talking about basketball, but requires at least one condition. The thing you’re talking about has to be worthy of seeing. If you’re talking about Steph Curry putting someone’s ankles in a spin cycle before shooting a shot over their ashes, yes, it’s appropriate. If you, however, are discussing the solo assists Kris Dunn dished on a cold Autumn night in Chicago, you best keep that shit for your personal blog.
This is the easiest point of entry because it requires a basic knowledge and following of basketball. It doesn’t go into deep historical platitudes of yesteryear quite like…
Historical Talk
This is the second most common basketball conversation type. This usually happens when there is an old-head present or someone who’s watched a lot of 90s basketball. The prototypical way to identify if you’re in a historical talk is by a phrase “the current NBA is too ______,” which the person will usually follow up with some sort of negative assertion that could be a) right, but is most likely b) wrong. Sometimes it can be both right and wrong, and that gets confusing, but hey, that’s just the way it goes.
Historical talk is born out of nostalgia and our attachment to old things, in particular old teams, records and experiences that we’ve lived through. Thus, the old conversation may focus around whether or not the 2016 Golden State Warriors would beat the 1996 Chicago Bulls, which is an impossible question to answer (also, probably no). It grabs players out of their historical context and puts them against each other in hypothetical scenarios, which is fun, but also not very productive so this is mostly empty talk, usually by older players themselves, geared to bring back the simpler days.
The Fan Talk
A precarious basketball conversation position to be stuck in because not only must you identify the topic of the conversation, you must also identify both the fandom team of the people involved and their level of commitment to said team. If their level of commitment is low, you can quickly turn the tide of the conversation by asking them a BB question (BB stands for “Before Bandwagon”) such as “Name at least 6 team members of the 2001–2002 Golden State Warriors.” Likewise, you should adequately prepare yourself for such questions against your fandom (“the low point Los Angeles Lakers once rostered guys named DJ Mbenga, Smush Parker and Sasha Vujacic).
You may however end up entangled with a Lakers fan, or worse a Celtics fan. Note: this section could also have included Bulls fans (Jordan references), Knicks fans (abject sadness) or San Antonio fans (overall great people, nothing but great things to say about them).
The Celtics fans and Lakers fans are the worst because you can usually keep a solid conversation with almost any other fanbase. Talking to a fan of either of the two winningest franchises in the NBA history is like being stuck in quicksand while someone hammers you over the head with an encyclopedia of accomplishments with an even more painful alternative insisting that Jaylen Brown is somehow Kawhi Leonard.
Remember that part in Back to the Future where Marty goes back in time and accidentally almost sleeps with his mother (which to me is a top 10 nightmare scenario, but also a top 10 dream scenario to most of America according to porn consumption data, which I find weird)? To undo what he has done he has to make sure his dad hooks up with his mom and also stands up for himself because frankly, his dad at the time is a little bitch. Well, as he does all that, Marty also watches his life change in real time, including facts about him such as his financial status and his sister and brother. That’s what talking to Lakers or Celtics fans about current events is like. In their eyes, each franchise is infallible. What I’m saying is, avoid both if possible.
The Sports Writer/Blogger Talk
This is a very niche window of basketball conversation that mostly happens via Twitter or sometimes over skype or on podcasts. Most people are not exposed to this kind of conversation on day-to-day basis, but just in case you wander into these woods I feel like I should warn you. Once you find yourself inside the Sports Writer/Blogger talk you will feel extremely out of depth. You will feel like the people are speaking a foreign language discussing distant numbers, efficiency ratings and some sort of Jokic. This is an alternate reality of basketball talk where everyone thinks they’re Zach Lowe (seriously, go read Zach Lowe) and tries to prove his superior knowledge of the sport like some sort of an unspoken battle ground.
The quickest way to test this is to ask questions such as “what do you think of Nikola Jokic?” (common answer: “who?” / blog answer: “the magical creation of Zeus and Persephone materialized whole”) or “what are the Memphis Grizzlies” (common answer: “not making the playoffs” / blog answer: “the ballet of Conley and Gasol pick and rolls”) or finally “what do you think of J.R. Smith (common answer: “God’s gift to mankind” / blog answer: “God’s gift to mankind”).
If you find yourself at these depth, best just stay away and say nothing until the tide passes… Or praise Nikola Jokic.
Hopefully this helps. Hopefully this aids you in your endeavour to talk about basketball to more people and to tell more people that basketball is, in fact, very great. Perhaps you may graduate ranks as you go, but for now, please use this knowledge responsibly. Unless talking about Kevin Durant because Kevin Durant ain’t shit.
