Picking a Global Ambassador for Every NBA Team.

Dan Szczepanek
Jul 24, 2017 · 7 min read

Love him or hate him, Drake’s done wonders for the Toronto Raptors.

From those sexy OVO jerseys, to the casual recruitment/flirtation/stalking of KD, to the love song dedicated to former 6th man/All-Star Polygamous Lou Williams, Drake’s been a pivotal part of restoring the team’s swagger.

And sure, the winning helped. But lots of teams win. What’s rare is for a franchise to convert that winning into the cultural relevancy the team’s experienced for the past half-decade. And while doubters complain about his attendance and affinity for jersey-swapping, there’s no question that Drake’s role as ‘Global Ambassador’ helped rescue the team from the dark days of the Shania Twain cross-promotions of the early 2000’s.

But even with the success of a Global Ambassador in Toronto, the model hasn’t caught on league-wide. And in an age where teams should be taking advantage of every possible tool at their disposal to recruit new fans and big-ticket free agents (*Cough* Milwaukee *Cough cough cough*), the lack of Global Ambassadors seems like a miss. So in the interest of helping other teams achieve the same success the Raptors did, we’ve gone out and scouted potential Global Ambassadors for all 29 other franchises.

But we didn’t pick just anybody. We had a vetting system more rigorous than what it takes to gain security clearance in the Trump White House. When evaluating potential Global Ambassadors, we used the following criteria:

CRITERIA 1: The Global Ambassador needs to be from the team’s city or the surrounding area. Either born in, or spent their formative years there. No imports allowed.

CRITERIA 2: The Global Ambassador needs to be famous. Not ‘Internet Famous’.

CRITERIA 3: They can’t be a current diehard fan. We want new blood. (Sorry Spike, your loyalty has been noted, and will be rewarded in the form of an afterlife where you can crank call Phil Jackson pretending to be Jeanie Buss.)

CRITERIA 4: The Global Ambassador can’t be currently incarcerated.

Let’s play matchmaker!

Atlanta Hawks — Future.

With all due respect to 2 Chainz, Atlanta deserves a Global Ambassador born post-ABA dissolution. Plus, employing Drake’s close buddy and regular collaborator might add some fuel to the currently non-existent rivalry between the Raptors and Hawks.

Boston Celtics — The Wahlbergs.

Danny Ainge could probably swing a deal for Chris Evans or Matt Damon, but based on his history, he’s waaaaay more comfortable with second-rate stars like the Wahlbergs. Plus, Wahlburgers at concessions!

Brooklyn Nets — Michael K. Williams.

Picture this pre-game intro:

*Lights go down*

*Whistling starts. It’s ‘Farmer in the Dell’*

*Two Loud Bangs*

*A voice yells out ‘Broooooklyn’s Coming!*

*Michael K. Williams runs out of the tunnel carrying a t-shirt cannon shotgun*

*Williams fires t-shirts into the crowd, before turning the gun on DeMarre Carroll, capping him for snitching on the Raptors*

*The Nets fans go wild…all 6 of them.*

Charlotte Hornets — J. Cole.

Charlotte is far from a sexy free agent destination, no matter how liberally you use the word ‘sexy’ or ‘destination’. J. Cole can fix that. Not only is this good Charlotteon an internationally recognized rapper, he’s also really good at standing near people playing basketball.

Chicago Bulls — Kanye West.

6 words: Mid-game Twitter rants using Hoiberg’s phone.

Cleveland Cavaliers — Bow Wow.

It was either Drew Carey or Bow Wow, and while we were tempted to go with Carey (and the chance to spade and neuter pets live at halftime), Bow Wow could probably use the money. Also, he did star in ‘Like Mike’ so we know he’s got a basic understanding of basketball.

Dallas Mavericks — Usher.

The world-renowned crooner would be an excellent addition to the greatest live experience in the NBA. Plus, he can teach Cuban to dance before the inevitable dance-off-for-team-pink-slips between the Mavs’ owner and Steve Ballmer.

Detroit Pistons — Jerry Bruckheimer.

What he lacks in multi-platinum hip-hop tracks or designer clothing lines or any semblance of a celebrity persona, he more than makes up for with the potential to turn the story of the Bad Boy Pistons into a multi-billion dollar film trilogy, coupled with endless film merchandising opportunities. Consider this my pre-order for the ‘Flagrant-Foulin’ Rodman’ action figure, with built-in karate-chop action. And put Kim Jong down for 20,000 of them.

Denver Nuggets — T.J. Miller.

Miller’s personality perfectly jives with the fun, playful style of the Nuggets. But more importantly, we can mic up Miller and have him debate Jokic on how long it’ll take to jerk off every fan at the Pepsi Center.

Golden State Warriors — Courtney Love.

Let’s be honest, these guys need no help making money. So instead of bringing in a Franco or Brady or Eastwood, we’ve gone with someone that’ll scare off some of the Valley’s softer douche tech bros, and reclaim the team for the good people of Oakland and San Fran.

Houston Rockets — Lil B.

Ok, we broke our own rules on this one. No, he’s not from Houston. But Rockets fans can agree that anything that puts an end to the most meaningless feud in sports would be welcome. (Although, in a perfect world, we can stop hearing about the curse and James Harden continues to lose basketball games, but that’s just us being greedy.)

Indiana Pacers — Hologram of James Dean and/or Michael Jackson.

The only real global Indianans (Indianites? Indianiaways?) have passed away. Luckily for the Pacers, Tupac proved that there’s nothing wrong with a dead guy returning in hologram form to make someone shitheaps of money. And in a year when the Pacers’ brass is telling fans to squint hard enough for Victor Oladipo to look like Paul George, any kind of distraction, laser-beam-based or otherwise, is going to be welcome.

LA Clippers — Vince Staples.

As the team transitions to the post-Chris Paul Era, who better to lead them then the guy who once said Chris Paul doesn’t deserve his own signature shoe, because ‘signature shoes are for champions’? Also, Staples at the Staples Center is too perfect to pass on (Screw you Ballmer, don’t you dare move the team to Inglewood and mess this up for us).

LA Lakers — Kendrick Lamar.

With all the talk of the Lakers being ‘back’ their flashiest free agent signing of the past five years is still Luol Deng. But imagine the kind of pull they would have if free agent pitches consisted of Magic Johnston’s pearly whites, Rob Pelinka comparing the upcoming season to the Israelites duking it out with the Philistines, and Kendrick free-styling about what the player’s life would be like in LA. There’s no way LeBron would turn that down.

Miami Heat — Flo Rida.

Cons: He’ll likely demand a Jacuzzi be installed courtside.

Pros: When Flo Rida’s not there, Spoelstra can use the Jacuzzi to prune himself into Pat Riley’s spitting image.

Milwaukee Bucks — Mark Ruffalo.

Nobody else says ‘Aww Shucks’ Milwaukeean as well as Mark Ruffalo. Not to mention the fact that he’ll be able to attract people much more famous than him to watch Bucks games, even if it’s only because he’s too adorable to say no to.

Memphis Grizzlies — Justin Timberlake.

Timberlake’s great at roasting athletes (see ESPYs hosting gig, 2008), already owns a minority stake in the team, and could promise prospective free agents a cameo in the next Lonely Islands video. Just give him the title already.

Minnesota Timberwolves — Chris Pratt.

America’s sweetheart is just what this frozen-tundra hellhole needs to attract free agents. Lacking in night-life, restaurants, a thriving music scene, culture, housing, or really any basic things that most cities have, Pratt’s job might be the hardest of any Global Ambassador on the list.

New Orleans Pelicans — Lil’ Wayne.

He once tried to fight a ref. At a charity basketball game. While serving as a coach. Oh, and it was a charity game to help reduce violence in the community. If he takes that shit that seriously, imagine what he’d be like during a playoff series. People could die.

New York Knicks — Lin Manuel Miranda.

For his first miracle, he made history cool. For his second, he’ll try and do the same for James Dolan.

Oklahoma City Thunder — Olivia Munn.

The more time she spends courtside, the less time she’ll have to make another X-Men movie.

Orlando Magic — Charlotte McKinney.

If you want to make a case instead for Orlando’s second and third most popular celebrities (Carrot Top or one of the not Justin Timberlake members of N’Sync) by all means. But like the team on the court, the Magic don’t have a whole lot of great options.

Philadelphia 76ers — Meek Mill.

No, he’s not the biggest name. Or the best name. But his presence could mean Drake and him exchanging diss tracks during timeouts, and that’s easily worth the price of admission.

Phoenix Suns — Emma Stone.

It was either her, DMX or David Spade. Of the three, she probably has the most street cred.

Portland Trailblazers — Fred Armisen.

There’s really nobody native to Rip City that’s dynamic enough to rep the name. Seriously, we page five Google’d it. So we’re picking someone whose sarcasm brought the city notoriety. This is on you Portland. Birth better.

Sacramento Kings — Sasha Grey.

With a franchise as dysfunctional as the Kings, it’s almost too perfect that a retired adult film star would serve as the de facto face of the franchise.

San Antonio Spurs — Tommy Lee Jones.

When the Spurs rest their vets, Jones and Pop can have jowl scowl-offs to amuse the crowd.

Utah Jazz — Brandon Flowers.

The former frontman of the Killers is a bit past his prime, but he’s the perfect combination of just wild enough to appeal to Mormon Utah, while just famous enough that people outside of Utah have actually heard of him.

Washington Wizards — Samuel L. Jackson.

Voted most likely to be the first Global Ambassador T’d Up.

Grandstand Central

Sports for the thinking fan.

Dan Szczepanek

Written by

Editor at Grandstand Central.

Grandstand Central

Sports for the thinking fan.

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