A Simple Guide to Burning a Jersey.
#Betrayward.
#ShillSap
#Gallignarly
’Tis the season for hating your former fan favourite.
And as has become the tradition on July 4th, annoyed Jazz fans took to the streets and interwebs yesterday, to voice their disdain after Gordon Hayward left town.
And while it wasn’t quite like last year when every Walmart customer in OKC felt the need to disown the pariah/human snake emoji Kevin Durant, the greatest and most revered sports tradition in America once again reared it’s ugly head, as fans took a symbol of someone they loved only moments before, and burnt it to a crisp.
But as Aztecs tribes and that one Friends episode taught us, any ritualistic cleansing involving fire needs to have some order. Otherwise, it’s just an open flame without a permit.
So, since the trend of burning jerseys isn’t going away anytime soon, we’ve gone and laid out a few ground rules, to help guide (and hopefully justify) your arsonist tendencies.
The Dos and Don’ts of Burning a Jersey:
DO
Burn the jersey of a player that leaves your team for another franchise during a live, televised, one-hour special starring the Boys and Girls Club of Cleveland, a full marching band, and the player’s massive ego.
DON’T
Burn the jersey if you think there’s a chance that that same player will return home only a few years later, and treat your long-suffering city to its first Championship in five decades.
DO
Burn the jersey if a player leaves for a rival franchise, insulting your fan base on the way out.
DON’T
Burn the jersey if a player leaves town, and takes out a two-page ad in the local daily thanking fans for their passion and support.
DO
Burn the jersey of a selfish superstar who holds your franchise hostage, whether it’s through demands of hirings, firings, trades of other people, or trades of themselves.
DON’T
Wait until they’ve left town to do it. Burn it while the douchebaggery is still fresh and local.
DO
Burn the jersey of a player who cites money as their man motivator for leaving.
DON’T
Burn the jersey of a loyal lifer, who left town to find one more payday, after your franchise essentially kicked him to the curb. (Cough, Heat Fans, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough).
DO
Burn the jersey of a player that speaks about themselves in the 3rd person.
DON’T
Burn the jersey of a player whose jersey you had no business owning in the first place. Here’s looking at you Matt Schaub jersey guy.
DO
Burn a jersey in protest of your team’s incompetence, especially when it forces the face of the franchise out of town.
DON’T
Burn the jersey of players using their platforms as athletes to protest a societal injustice, no matter how much you disagree with their statement.
DO
Burn the jersey of players facing allegations of rape, dog-fighting, domestic abuse, video-taped domestic abuse, or straight up murder.
DON’T
Burn the jersey of a player if their only transgression was not playing for your city anymore. If every other aspect of their personal and professional lives inspire you, you shouldn’t fault an athlete for looking for a change of scenery.
