Midseason NBA League Pass Watchability Rankings: The Bottom Feeders
In Part 1, Serge and Brandon are back to trash Boston and all the other least watchable teams in the NBA
Football is officially over (shut up), hockey is still hockey, we’re weeks away from the Olympics and March Madness, and there’s nothing good on TV. Except the NBA. In January, even bad NBA is still good television — as long as Dwight Howard isn’t playing.
But some NBA is better than others, and bad basketball can be fun too. That’s why serge and I are here to tell you everything you need to know, starting with the least watchable half of the league and wrapping with the top 15 later this week. Don’t worry, Celtics fans: we’ll get to you today.
A lot has happened since we ranked everything preseason (30-to-13 and 12–to-1). Some things have changed (Toronto is fun now!) and others stayed the same (Atlanta is not).
So grab yourself a beer and settle in for bad basketball… let’s run through the least watchable teams in the league, from Orlando to Boston.
THE UNWATCHABLES
30. Orlando Magic (previous rank: 26)
29. Atlanta Hawks (29)
28. Charlotte Hornets (25)
Brandon
There’s nothing interesting about any of these teams except Kemba Walker, and he’s gonna get traded. Orlando is such a non-factor I totally forgot to rank them my first time around. What would it take to convince you to watch a Hawks-Magic game?
Serge
A copious amount of drugs and alcohol, and I’d still probably be on my phone for about three quarters. I’d rather watch Arron Afflalo go 12 rounds with Kent Bazemore than a full game between these two. Remember when the Magic were surging and everyone wondered if we picked them too low? Elfrid Payton’s hair may literally be a detriment to his shooting and Frank Vogel looks like he’s perpetually wondering who is sleeping with his wife. There is absolutely nothing redeemable outside of Kemba down here.
Brandon
The Magic are intriguing to me only as a feeder to other teams. That franchise is ready to hit the reset button. Aaron Gordon can guard five positions and play increasingly useful offense, and he’s still the age of a fifth-year college senior. Jon Simmons is one of the few wings on the market that might be available on a palatable contract. Jonny Isaac is my guy. I don’t want to watch the Magic play basketball, but I’d love to go to their garage sale.
Serge
I’m still trying to figure out how we can package Valanciunas to get someone like Evan Fournier or Jonathon Simmons. NBA Trade Machine is my addiction these days, but it’s weird because I’m attached to a lot of Raptors now. Would you tune in to watch the Hornets if it’s just Dwight? Would any of his 12 kids?
Brandon
Honestly, I would rather watch a reality show about what people would do to avoid watching a game with Dwight Howard playing. It’s like the opposite of a Klondike bar commercial.
THE ALMOST UNWATCHABLES
27. Phoenix Suns (previous rank: 22)
26. Memphis Grizzlies (21)
25. Brooklyn Nets (23)
Serge
I don’t think Phoenix has or ever had a plan. If the entire team tweeted “I don’t want to be here” in unison, I wouldn’t be surprised. Come to think of it, that could be the name of their 30 for 30 from the past five years.
The Grizzlies used to be fun and I remain the biggest Mike-Conley-is-a-top-10-point-guard-in-the-NBA-right-now advocate, but it’s just bad. I hate watching good players toil away surrounded by mediocrity. Who thought giving Chandler Parsons all that money was a good idea?
Brandon
The Suns started at like 17 on my list but kept falling the more I thought about basketball and how they don’t really play it. I want to watch all their young guys develop, but I’m not totally sure they are developing, so it’s kind of like watching paint dry. Sorry, it’s kind of like watching Los Paint dry.
I feel like we’re probably underrating the Nets. Brooklyn is well-coached and plays hard at a fun pace. I don’t care to watch any of their players in particular, but if the Nets are playing, it ups the watchability of the other team that game.
Serge
I’m more invested in Rondae Hollis-Jefferson than I care to admit. He’s like a cousin who lived with my family one summer when he came to visit from Ukraine and when he left I weirdly thought of him as my brother — we’re tight is what I’m saying. The Nets are my 2k team, and if my management style is any indication, next year is their year (when they add PG and PBev and somehow turn Crabbe into Covington, I’m a magician, I know). The Lakers gave up on D’Angelo way too fast.
You want to rank the Suns higher because everyone is obsessed with Booker, but I just don’t really care enough to tune in any given night. My way of punishing them for signing Tyson Chandler when they should have been developing their 15 other bigs.
Brandon
I’m glad DeMar DeRozan might actually be good now. I’ve been waiting so long for Devin Booker to take his rightful place atop the Guys Everyone Thinks Are Good But Aren’t Actually Good Yet list. Honestly didn’t know if Costco Kobe would ever acquiesce his spot.
HOW ARE THEY IN THE PLAYOFF RACE?
24. Detroit Pistons (previous rank: 30)
23. Los Angeles Clippers (20)
22. Utah Jazz (15)
21. Miami Heat (13)
Brandon
Milos Teodosic is finally back, and his passing and his beard are more magnificent than ever. On the other hand: Blake. Has Blake quietly become a poor man’s Dwight Howard? He’s so petty and unlikable, maybe it was him ruining the Clippers this whole time.
Serge
Do yourself a favor and don’t watch the trailer for that new Blake movie. The thing with NBA players trying to be approachable and funny is they have to be self-aware. Blake is not. He’s trying too hard. Still, I like watching him play as a point-forward and it’s exciting when he’s on the floor. Lou Williams is worth the price of admission when he gets hot (and when the camera man has to decide which of his two girlfriends to show).
Brandon
Blake was better on Broad City than he’s been on the court any time since. How are the Clips in the playoff race? I wrote the teams in this tier off for dead a month ago. I don’t think any of these four are particularly good or particularly watchable, but I’m intrigued enough just to tune in and see how these well-coached teams are pulling Ws out of their collective rears.
Serge
The Pistons have been passable this year, finally fitting the SVG mold, the problem is SVG teams are boring. The Jazz you only watch for Donovan Mitchell and the Heat are dead to me after the Dion news dropped.
Brandon
The Donovan Mitchell thing is real. He is the player Boston fans all think Mahcus Smaht is. It’s like Dwyane Wade in Marcus Smart’s body, only if DWade could hit rim on a three. Good for Utah. And good for Allana and the Heat. I am shocked — shocked — Miami ripped off seven straight wins the instant Waiters Island went on the IR.
Serge
Laugh now, but good luck applying for a visitor’s visa on the Island next year.
NOW… WE FIGHT
20. Indiana Pacers (previous rank: 28)
19. Chicago Bulls (27)
18. Dallas Mavericks (16)
17. New Orleans Pelicans (17)
16. Boston Celtics (12)
Brandon
These are the teams we disagreed the most on, with ranking differences of 7, 8, 9, and 12 #analytics. But let’s not bury the lede: why do you hate the Celtics?
Serge
I put the Celtics 20th out of pure petty. Their fans and color commentary make them unwatchable. I love Brad Stevens’s offense and I love that Marcus Smart is ready to go to jail over a reach-in, but I can’t listen to another take on how Al Horford is better than Joel Embiid or that Kyrie Irving is the best point guard in the league. It’s absurd. Boston takes are like arguments college students have totally blasted off vodka because they think vodka is cool. The team is perfectly fine and watchable, but every other factor for me takes them out of the running.
Brandon
The Celtics went from eh, whatever to hey-they’re-kinda-sneaky-interesting-now to overrated and annoying at warp speed. I will cape for President Brad forever, and this team has lots of fun athletic dudes and plays hard every night. But I’m done with Smart’s flopping, done with all the Kyrie takes (both from and about him), and super done with Tommy Heinsohn’s brutal commentary. I still ranked Boston 8 so I’ll let all the Cs fans crucify you for including them in the bottom half of the league.
Just know this, Boston fans: you ruined this team for us.
Serge
Are we sure 2017–2018 Boston isn’t just the 2014–15 Atlanta Hawks?
Brandon
That hurts a little, cuz I was never totally sure the 2014–15 Hawks weren’t just the 2010–11 Chicago Bulls. Feels like we’re starting to sniff out these teams that play hard and overachieve in the regular season before flaming out too early but actually right where we figured all along in the playoffs.
Don’t rule out the 2017–18 version of this actually being one of our teams, Toronto or Minnesota.
Serge
There is a weird synergy between Victor Oladipo and Naptown. It’s strange, but he has been ballin’ with no regard for human life and after being disliked by his teammates in Orlando and being a glorified space filler for Russell. Sabonis looks like he has a lot of his father’s understanding of the game.
Chicago is sneakily interesting because they shouldn’t be that good, but they are. Kris Dunn may actually be a basketball player and Lauri Markkanen is … *checks notes* … actually good. It’s strange, but it seems like maybe players should fight players more often if this is the result?
Brandon
I’m not sure why everyone decided Markkanen is good now just because he made a bunch of threes. He plays a lot, with a green light, on a bad team in an era with more shooting than ever, is tall enough to shoot when he wants, and is a good shooter. Did we not know this about him already? My Bulls fan friend texted me the other day asking if the fastest-to-100–3s means Lauri is the next Steph. It’s ridiculous. Still, I’m just glad the Bulls are actually watchable again now, and shame on you for ranking them behind Detroit and Indy. By the way, I told my friend yes. He deserves it.
I finally came around on the Pelicans. They’re fun, and they’re actually good and kinda intriguing. And now after all these years living in the basement of the Boogie mansion, you bailed on them and ranked them 21st. Did Boogie block you on Twitter or something?
Serge
He was a lot more fun in Sacramento on a team with zero expectations. Now his active sulking is ruining the Anthony Davis experience for me. When they’re on, they’re easily top ten, but when they’re off it’s a trainwreck.
I’ll always have Dallas high because of Rick Carlisle and his capacity to introduce weird lineups and tactics to basically any roster. Harrison Barnes is small sample superstar for like three minutes a game and Dennis Smith Jr. is electric. But let’s not make this something it isn’t: we should be watching every single possible second of Dirk.
This may honestly be the most divisive we’ve ever gotten. I’ll admit I went overboard on a few teams, but I like to introduce a little chaos to my League Pass experience, like dropping a live snake into a hen-house. It’s better this way. I already have my mailbox set to burn all incoming Boston messages. Did you know they’re still sending me stuff on my Danny Ainge hit job in July?
It’s all fun and games until the real contenders show up, and we still have most of those around where we want them in the top 15. Tune in next time for Part II…
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