The Official 2017 NBA Christmas Wish List
What do you get for the league that already has everything?
Christmas is a special time. You get to reunite with family, spend quality time together and spread joy through the materialistic impulses of our generation. Then there is Christmas basketball which is the best basketball (or the worst basketball if you’ve watched any of the Lakers games lately). It’s a great time to be a basketball fan, in short.
But with the League giving us so much, how do we give back? What do we get for LeBron James? Anti-aging serum? I think he has that. Better teammates? A coach who can actually conceptualize basketball better than him? Whatever it is, it’s better be good, because LeBron is our only line of defense against extraterrestrial life forms, unless he’s a sleeper agent himself.
So what did serge and I get for some of our favorite teams and players?
Kyrie Irving — A Globe
Serge
There’s really no need to over-complicate things. I don’t even want to change Kyrie’s mind. I just want him to have a globe and stare at it in bewilderment. I want to see his first reaction as he unwraps this weird spherical object.
We’ve gone past “is he or isn’t he trolling” Kyrie and straight into “enlightenment and transcendence on a higher plane” Kyrie. Never mind that you can see the curvature of the Earth on a plane, something Irving does at least 41 times a year, the question is who put that curvature there and why?
Brandon
When kid Kyrie wasn’t playing H-O-R-S-E, do you think he ever played Around the World? Did he ever stay home sick from school with his mom and watch As the World Turns? Does he ever read Jules Verne? Do you think anyone ever referred to his Finals-winning three over Curry as The Shot Heard ‘Round the World? I have so many questions.
Minnesota Timberwolves
Brandon — A Clock
So there’s this crazy new invention, and it actually allows you to track the minutes and seconds of the players on your team so you aren’t grinding them bone-on-bone into oblivion. It’s wild. I want Thibs to wear the clock around his neck all day like Flava Flav.
This clock is multi-purpose, too. Every night before bed, Thibs can turn back the clock six years to the last time he was actually a good coach. And when he’s done with that, he can watch the seconds actually ticking away the rest of his time in Minnesota.
Serge — A Week’s Vacation
I want the Baby Pups to take a break. Fly to the Bahamas. Have an all-inclusive. Stay off their feet as long as possible.
It’s so 2017 that old white men with nostalgia for the good ol’ days are intent on ruining everything for us in the face of scientific evidence that they’re just wrong. These Wolves will be out of gas by the All-Star Break, KAT is like two more years of this away from a career-ending injury, and I’m pretty sure Thibs has Jimmy’s family locked up somewhere in a secret facility underneath the waters of Lake Minnetonka.
Derrick Rose — Retirement Papers
Brandon
It’s time. It was time last year. It was time in like 2014. It’s just depressing to watch, and I honestly feel bad for the guy. Rose has made $117 million in his career. He’s set for life.
DRose, come home to Chicago and open a restaurant with Chance and give back to Simeon and let us make this right. I can’t stand to see you sitting on the bench glumly next June while Jose Calderon earns minutes in your stead. Think of the children. Think of your legs. Won’t someone think of the rims!!
Philadelphia 76ers
Serge — Sam Hinkie
Generally, I have a very strict policy about re-gifting, but should Sam the Wise walk through that door, he will be welcomed with open arms. The Sixers need a change. They’re on the uptick and they need a competent manager, or just anyone not named Colangelo. I’m not putting Joel and Ben’s careers in the hands of a man who drafted Andrea Bargnani first overall. Once you do something that egregious, you should actually be prohibited by law from being General Manager for a decade. No one who came through the Kings front office would have a job ever again.
Brandon — Patience
I’m giving Philly fans patience, and I assure you, that is not a re-gift. It is the perfect cheese to Sam Hinkie’s wine, a pairing that’s better with age. I don’t think we realize just how well the plan is coming together.
Ben Simmons is a top-25 player on a rookie contract for another two and a half years. Simmons, Fultz, and Saric are under team control eight more years. Embiid is the second best young talent in the league and a national treasure, and he’s finally healthy (please Santa). Fultz was the best guard prospect in a decade and fits the team perfectly. Covington is the perfect 3-and-D wing and just signed a four-year extension worth less than what Russell Westbrook will make in the final year of his deal at age 34.
All those guys are already a terrific and fun team that will only get better for the next decade, and they combine to make about half the salary cap for the next three years. And Philly has no bad contracts and a bunch of draft picks. This thing is real. Don’t let Colangelo mess this up. The Process is here.
Pat Riley — A Lighter
Brandon
Remember this summer when Riles dropped $196 million to keep Waiters Island, Bloodsport, and Josh Richardson around and add Kelly Olynyk to the bench? He’ll look great next to Tyler Johnson’s $19 million a year, which is almost exactly as much as Kawhi Leonard makes. But most of those guys can’t start anyway because of the $130 million Miami will light on fire to keep Dragic and Whiteside around the next three years. We haven’t seen a more egregious waste of money on a bunch of miscast role players since The Expendables 8: Return of the Dead Guy. Take a lighter to every one of those terrible contracts. Burn it down. Burn it all down. No one tell Allana.
Oklahoma City Thunder
Serge — Three Weeks Without Russell Westbrook
This may seem undeniably cruel. Let me assure you, I am one of the top Westbrook apologists available on the internet. If you need to defend Russ, give me a quick call and for a very negotiable price, I will go to town with the vigor of Kevin Durant replying to haters on his faux Twitter. I do however want to give Russ himself a glimpse of the beast he has created.
The team has been stuck in a treadmill for two months. They can’t run in transition, because everyone has to box out for Russ to get the rebound and then there are no outlets. They can’t get the offense going because their point guard doesn’t pass unless it leads to an immediate assist. Westbrook is an incredibly gifted and talented basketball player, but my heart breaks watching Paul George turn into a glorified 3-and-D wing. I want a glimpse of what OKC can be and I want Russ to see it.
Brandon — A Time Machine
I even thought of a few obvious recommendations.
- Undo the Melo trade because this team never needed another high-usage inefficient ball hog
- Undo the Oladipo Trade, which somehow took exactly six months to transform from the PG Trade to the Oladipo Trade
- Cancel the $235 million extension for an inefficient guard whose numbers rely on athleticism and a lack of teammates
- Convince Kevin Durant to stay and save the NBA as we know it
- Go back to 2016 WCF Game 6 and guard Klay Thompson and close out the 73–9 Warriors in the upset of the century (and I’m still glad I skipped Beyonce for that game, Jonny)
- Don’t pick Serge Ibaka over James Harden
- Don’t draft Terrance “Turd” Ferguson or Mitch McGary or Craig Brackins (a real first round pick from this decade) or Perry Jones or Josh Useless or Cameron Payne in the Butt
- Find a wing, like literally any wing that can shoot, applicable at any point in the past decade
- Don’t let Durant get injured that one year, or Russ get hurt that other year, or Ibaka get sidelined for that other playoff run. Win a title. Be a dynasty
- Don’t steal a professional basketball team from Seattle and maybe you won’t have the worst luck in the NBA outside of Clipperdom
Toronto Raptors — Marc Gasol
Marc Gasol — Toronto Raptors
Serge
We’re not an ideal fan base. We cling to superstars because we’ve been rejected one too many times before (even though we eventually came around on forgiving people for this). We put faith in people for too long. First Bargnani. Then Terrence Ross. Now Jonas Valanciunas.
But even I in my cold, frosty, Costco-Kobe-hate-loving heart can admit this is the best the Raptors have looked. The problem is we’re locked into whatever this is for the next four years and this isn’t getting us into the Finals. You know what might? A marauding Spaniard who is Mozart with a basketball. If we’re going to pay into the luxury task for a European center, we should pay for one who has basketball usefulness to the franchise.
Phoenix Suns — A Real Live Actual Scouting Team
Brandon
How do you have a top five pick in a draft with Jayson Tatum, Donovan Mitchell, Kyle Kuzma, Markelle Fultz, Lauri Markkanen, Dennis Smith Jr., OG Anunoby, Frankie Smokes, Jon Isaac, De’Aaron Fox, and even a Ball and walk away with Josh Jackson? What happened? How did they draft Dragan Bender and Marquese Chriss in the top ten a year ago and they already look like dudes you’d find at the Y? I know it’s still early on these guys, but yeesh.
Serge
Remember when they signed Tyson Chandler because they thought they were getting LaMarcus Aldridge?
Los Angeles Clippers — New Medical Staff
Serge
I’m on board with the Clippers strategy of hiring what seems to be the worst people across all organizational levels starting at the top, but I grow tired of slamming Doc’s coaching abilities so I’d rather talk about the Clippers medical staff. It’s time for a change and Dr. Nick Riviera isn’t working out. After a somewhat promising-turned-mediocre start, the Clips started dropping like Chris Paul when someone brushes lightly against his shoulder. They lost Blake Griffin again, then pretty much everyone else for some time or another.
Chris Paul — A Conference Finals
Brandon
It’s time. Please stay healthy. We deserve Rox-Ws.
New Orleans Pelicans — That Thing Where You Strap a Carrot in Front of a Donkey to Walk, But for Boogie
Serge
One of my favorite pastimes is watching Pelicans games and screaming BOOGIE at the top of my lungs whenever DeMarcus Cousins does something of basketball value. It’s about a 50/50 split on the excitement-depression scale. Watching Boogie get back in transition is like dragging your child out of the car and into the dentist’s office once they figure out they’re not going to Disneyland. It’s painful and tests every last bit of your available patience.
Brandon Ingram — A Neck
Brandon
I can’t watch him anymore. He looks like a stretch rag doll that accidentally got its head torn off and all the stuffing came out and his parents just sewed the head straight onto the torso and called it good. He looks like Baby Groot on a basketball court. I just can’t.
I’d get him a jump shot too, but I don’t want Lonzo to get jealous.
Gregg Popovich — A Second Round European Prospect No One Heard About
Serge
That’s a future MVP we’re talking about here.
Everyone Outside of Golden State — A Klaycation
Brandon
Okay, I’ll admit it: the Warriors have gotten boring. I was the guy that watched just about every night of 73–9. I was on the KD to the Ws train. I was ready to watch basketball perfection, and I will watch it in May and June, but it’s boring in December.
We need a way to make the Ws interesting, and what if that way is a mysterious three-month Klay Thompson vacation that thrusts Swaggy P into a starting role and 15 threes a game? Maybe Klay has to go back to China to settle some Ball debts or something.
Suddenly KD is having OKC flashbacks in the worst way, and Swaggy is chasing the scoring title, and Draymond is ready to tear his head off, and this team is interesting again. Steph and Klay get to play again in April, but for now, a Klaycation can set this team free and make them fun again. MGSWGA!
Milwaukee Bucks — A New Coach
Serge
Remember when Jason Kidd got drafted and said he was excited to help the franchise make a 360-degree turn? I wish I was making this up. Remember this week when Jason Kidd instructed Khris Middleton to miss a free throw up three because he was afraid of the Cavs going for a four-point play? Makes sense, I’d rather jump off a 60-foot cliff than trip over a two-foot curb too.
It has been time for Jason Kidd to exit Milwaukee for awhile now. I do not want to disrespect a legend who made passing into high art, but for a team as full of potential as these Bucks, the time is now. Bring in someone, anyone, whoever, Giannis’s high-school Greek coach. I don’t care. Make the change.
Chicago Bulls — A Classic Nintendo System
Brandon
They need it in the locker room for all those Punch-Out!! battles. Turns out Bald Bull was actually a prophecy.
Andre Drummond — A Razor
Are those shoulders or the hills on the Forest Moon of Endor? No one knows. Dude’s upper body looks like a magical meadow with moss growing over it.
Sacramento Kings — New Ownership, a Real Front Office, an Actual Coaching Staff, and Some Vague Semblance of a Plan
Brandon
Goodbye, Vivek and Vlade. So long, Dave Joerger. Au revoir, ZBo and VC contracts. We’re bringing in adults to run this team. We’re starting Fox and Buddy, Bogdan Squared, Skal, and Trill, and they’re all getting 30 minutes. We’re gonna lose a lot and get a top three pick. This just isn’t that hard.
Serge
I will ride the legend of Zach Randolph into the sunset of this world. We will go far, as long as we’re not asked to jump over anything taller than ten inches.
James Harden — The MVP Trophy
Serge
Sure, it’s the LeBron award, and we’re just allowing someone to hold it for a year (same with Coach of the Year and Pop), but after his historical run last year and seeing the trophy go to Brodie, it’s the James Harden year. We deserve it, we all deserve it. This is also a gift to Bill Simmons because he will then write the mother of all “Thunder made a mistake trading James Harden” articles forever, at which point time will fold in on itself.
Brandon
Dear Bill, I wrote you, but you still ain’t callin’
I left my cell, my @ and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two comments back in autumn, you must not’ve got ‘em
There probably was a problem at Medium dot com or somethin’
But anyways, what’s been up, man? How’s your writing?
My writing’s getting big time too, I’m ‘bout to be a titan
I know you probably hear this every day, but I’m your biggest fan
I even watched Any Given Wednesday on HBO before y’all got canned
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures, man
I like the stuff you did on Grantland too, that stuff was phat
Anyways, I hope you get this, man, hit me back
Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan, this is Brandon
Kevin Durant — A Social Media Manager
Serge
At least we know who’s going to tweet all the negativity about this article.
Knicks Fans — Hope
Brandon
For unto us a star is born, unto us an adult son is given. And the Knicks shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Unicorn.
Hope, thy name is Kristaps.
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