The Official NBA League Pass Watchability Rankings, Part II
Which teams should you be most excited to watch in 2017? Our countdown from 12 to 1…
After an eternal offseason of news and fun, NBA opening night is finally here. So say goodbye to Hoodie Melo, China Klay, and IR Joel, cuz it’s the last time you’ll be seeing them. Real live hoopball action has arrived, and we need to know who to watch.
NBA League Pass is a real gem in that you get to pay $200 for a service that never works, but this year they’re offering a special $250 package if you’d also like to get angry about not being able to tune in to the non-working Red Panda halftime show and TV timeout T-shirt cannons. It’s sort of like if Steven Adams paid money to guard Draymond Green, if you know what I mean.
But that didn’t stop
and me from putting together our annual League Pass watchability rankings and revealing them before all the world from King’s Landing to north of the Wall. We already counted down from Detroit at #30 to Miami at #13 in Part I. Let’s settle the score and declare a winner…TIME TO FIGHT
12. Boston
11. Houston
10. Cleveland
Brandon
No three teams were as different in our rankings, so it’s time to throw down. I had Cavs 6, Cs 7, Rox 14. You had Rox 7, Cavs 14, Cs 18.
Let’s start with Boston. What the heck?? You dare profane the good name of President Brad? The ATOs alone make this team top ten. Plus we get to watch Boston pretend they have another Big Three. Kyrie is the new Paul Pierce because he thinks he’s The Truth but he’s never even been top three at his position and he’d probably fake a wheelchair injury if it helped him. Hayward is Ray because they’re nice and boring and Hayward would totally play Jesus Butterworth in the whitewash remake of He Got Game. Al is homeless man’s KG. It works. What do you have against Boston?
Serge
You lost me around halfway through that analogy, but sure. Boston fixed none of the myriad of problems that plagued them last year. Last year it was fun to see how the Celtics took that team to a 1-seed in the East but I just don’t care anymore. It’s hilarious that Kyrie is entering a team-first environment, with his major gripe about being the number one guy.
This is the first time in the history of me and the Houston Rockets I’ve ranked them anywhere close to my top ten. Last year I had them late teens. But despite my war on Daryl Morey and basketball math, I am curious how the hell you stop this team. The Rockets are like basketball on cocaine, and not the cut down stuff, the good stuff from Narcos.
Brandon
I just can’t shake this feeling that I’m going to hate watching Houston. I’m not sold on them being anywhere near second best in the league, and I’m not sold on CP3 and Beard sharing one ball. I expect a lot of pouting and whining and at least 15 flops per game. I was in early on Houston last year when everyone had them low in their LP ranks. I’m flipping this year. I’m just out.
I’d much rather tune in for Cleveland. We don’t know how long we’ll get LeBron, and we don’t know how long DRose and DWade will stay alive on this team. I’m also excited about the ginormous chips on the shoulders IT and Crowder will bring this roster. And of course, Earl Joseph Smith III.
Serge
Cleveland will be fun mostly because LeBron is fun and I’ve reached a point of my life where I’m ready to forget his indiscretions past, present, and future to just watch him ball. He could probably sucker punch my dad once and I’d still be okay with him, but only once. Everything else around this team scares me, but LeBron and J.R. are worth the price of admission.
Brandon
We’ll watch these teams in May and June when it counts. Everything else is just practice.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU BOY
9. Denver
8. San Antonio
7. Washington
6. Golden State
Serge
*stands up, salutes the photo of Gregg Popovich hanging in his office, sits down.*
Remember that year when we looked at the Spurs roster and said “this is the year we struggle to see them get 50 wins?” That’s every year, and every year Pop drives his beat up Hyundai down 50-win avenue and it purrs like a brand new Lamborghini. He’s basically a meticulous watchmaker at this point.
Everything else on this list is just so much fun. We’re about to watch the John Wall “I’m going to back that up” tour for 82 games where he basically goes for the jugular every time someone whispers something about him not being the best point guard in the East. It’s like playoff John Wall but for 82 games straight. You can switch the game when the bench comes in, but until then Washington is going to be a wild ride.
Brandon
If Pop is a watchmaker, are we sure S-Town wasn’t actually code for Spurs-Town? Get well soon, Kawhi.
John Wall is always fun, and I have a feeling we should probably enjoy that team while they’re still all healthy. Really excited for Kara Lawson on the call this season. She adds so much depth of knowledge to the broadcast.
Honestly the team I’m really looking forward to here is the Nuggets. Millsap and Jokic are a basketball nerd’s fever dream, and I’m looking forward to watching Jokic drop dimes instead of arguing about him all summer. There’s going to be some fast-paced high-scoring late-night action, and I’m looking forward to seeing how Murray, Juancho, Harris, and even Mudiay progress this season. Really, nine might be too low for Denver.
Serge
I’m already prepared for the first “Jokic is the best center” take online. I will flood that wall with photos of Joel Embiid like no one’s ever Processed before. I watched very little Denver last year, but this collection of talents and basketball Twitter’s infatuation with Jokic will have me tune in A LOT.
Do we really need to talk about Golden State? They added Swaggy to JaVale and that made them infinitely more watchable because now even third quarter blow outs will be fun in the fourth.
Brandon
Maybe the Ws belong down with the Clevelands and Bostons of the world, but I still giggle at least five times a game watching Steph, and I’ll happily watch him, Durant, and Draymond every game. I also can’t wait for Jordan Bell to block everything in sight and for the general public to discover him and Patty McCaw. Golden State will get every team’s best punch 82 times this season and I’m okay with watching basketball perfection.
WE GOT NEXT
5. L.A. Lakers
4. Minnesota
3. Milwaukee
Brandon
Somehow the Ball in the Family L.A. sitcom barely made your top ten. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. What’s not to like about Lonzo and Ingram growing into real players before our eyes? Who doesn’t want to tune in to watch Kyle Kuzma win MVP? The Lakers won’t be good yet, but it’s more fun that way anyways. Luke Walton will have these guys shaking and baking, if you know what I mean. I’m here for the Lonzo era, even if it means LaVar too. I’m here for the fast breaks and the outlet passes and the horrible shooting form. The Lakers are fun.
Serge
Somewhere around the third episode of whatever they call their reality show I stopped giving a shit about the Ball family. I’ve never wanted anyone to fail at anything in life more than I want LaMelo Ball to fail at basketball, and without consistent 5v5 reps, he just might. I’m going to enjoy this wholeheartedly.
The Lakers will be fun and I will enjoy watching them, but I don’t want every single accomplishment to automatically get thrown Lonzo’s way. This is how we arrived in Ball Universe in the first place. This team has a lot of fantastic young pieces and a fit Julius Randle, going to be so much fun.
The Wolves are going to be a slog. Watching them now, top four may be too high. Yeah they have Butler and Towns, but it’s still Thibstown and he’s going to do his best to make us forget that this team is in fact filled with stars.
Brandon
Let me just start my venting early with a list of things I’m already annoyed about as a Timberwolves fan:
- KAT taking the second or third most touches and shots most nights.
- Wiggins signing a contract the size of Vanuatu’s GDP when he’s Canadian Costco right now.
- Thibs building an eight-man team he will run into the ground playing 43 minutes a night by February.
- Aaron Brooks inexplicably but inevitably getting backup point guard minutes over Tyus Jones.
- A bench unit featuring Jamal Crawford and Shabazz Muhammad. Seriously, just shoot me now.
The Wolves will be better than most analysts seem to think — people are seriously debating if this is a playoff team?? — but less watchable too. It’s gonna take awhile to gel and the offense will never be pretty. I’m a Timberwolves fan and my alternate options are watching Twins playoff losses to the Yankees or more injuries to every knee on the Vikings roster, and I still ranked them only #8. Whatever. We’ll always have the Lynx.
Serge
Thibs teams are inexplicably less fun than they should be. He manages to take the most exciting players in the league and turn them into daytime cable. It’s impressive actually. I will ride or die for that second unit though.
Milwaukee is clearly the winner of this bunch because Point Giannis is about to become a staple in the NBA rotation and I think that’s terrifying. Giannis has finally blossomed into the human lizard we all knew he could and this may be his MVP campaign as he cascades down on NBA courts and reigns fire. Kidd will legitimately play him at every position he can, sometimes two at a time to cover up the corpse of Greg Monroe treading itself out for 25 minutes per game. Who’s ready for year two of Thon Maker?!
Brandon
I’m still not totally ruling out Giannis going all ‘09 LeBron and carrying this team to 55 wins in a terrible Eastern conference. There’s no player in the league I’d rather watch right now than Freak. If LeBron ever retires or dies or returns to his alien planet, Giannis got next.
THE PAPER CHAMPIONS
2. Oklahoma City
1. Philadelphia
Serge
Philly will forever be number one in my book as long as Joel is on the floor. This team has such an intriguing ceiling with him healthy and present. It’s basically a superhero origin story as we find out the superhero can run fast, jump high, and shot block the metaphysical concepts of time and space in transition. Even without Joel, Simmons and Fultz are worth the price of admission. We’re finally paying out on potential.
OKC went from roughly 10th to 8th with Paul George, then #1 or 2 with Melo. Sam Presti flipped three rusty coins, one piece of string, and a torn baseball card into three bricks of solid gold. He even has PG saying he might stay. He has three superstars, yet I have zero idea of how it might work with Westbrook having had the taste for blood over the past year. Goddammit I want to find out.
Brandon
Let the record show that when Serge says “Philly will forever be number one,” what he means is he actually ranked Oklahoma City #1 ahead of Philly before I got him straight.
OKC might have three superstars but only if they get Commercial PG that actually hits the game winner and Hoodie Melo or Olympic Melo or maybe Syracuse Melo. Still, I am all in on this Thunder team. The defense is going to be awesome with Adams, PG, and Roberson on the floor, and I promise they’ll score plenty of points with Russ, PG, and Melo.
These guys have all played with stars plenty before and they all chose this path. We’re going to get a couple isos from each guy every game, but did you really want Andre Roberson jacking a jumper instead? That’s just part of the Russ and Melo experience. In between, we’ll get Russ driving recklessly into the lane with Melo and PG spotting on the wings waiting to help him get triple-doubles and a Dothraki warrior ready to murder anyone that enters the lane. Do you know how many assists Westbrook would’ve had last year if his teammates could hit any shot? I’m so excited for the level of petty revenge on nothing this team will attack with every night. I’d watch Russ and Melo play in a cribbage tournament.
Serge
I swear to God fans should be allowed to run on the court and block any Andre Roberson three-point attempt. OKC fans are definitely encouraged to do so.
I was actually watching preseason tape as I write this and Ben Simmons is straight-up terrifying as a point forward. We need to see it in a game where opponents can cover his lack of range, but if it works, playing him with Embiid will be nearly impossible to guard. The main strength of this Philly team over last year’s iteration (which I still had first or second) is Simmons and Fultz will be playing this year instead of Fultz becoming the annual Philly sacrifice to the Draft Gods via the IR. Without Embiid, they can still land firmly in the top ten. With him they’ll be the hottest ticket in town.
Brandon
Allowing fans to run on the court is the only viable explanation for the number of minutes the Thunder gave Semaj Christon last season. I think people are sleeping on how much better OKC’s bench will be as a reason for improvement this season too.
So funny story, I’m sitting here writing about Philly and I too am watching a Sixers preseason game. If that’s not a clear indication that Philadelphia is the #1 League Pass team, I’m not sure what is. Since we started writing this, Joel Embiid signed a max extension that will pay him somewhere between $83 million and $178 million depending on if he lives through the next five years. That’s why everyone is watching a preseason Sixers game while an Indians-Yankees ALCS Game 5 is on. He’s worth every penny.
Serge
You will not convince me to watch more than 20 minutes of preseason basketball on one day ever. Unless I’m getting paid for this. In which case, bring it on.
Brandon
Wait, we’re not getting paid for this?
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