The Toronto Blue Jays Drinking Game To Get You Through the Rest of 2̶0̶1̶7̶ 2018
The team isn’t going anywhere, so why suffer through the rest of the season sober?
Heading into 2̵0̵1̵7̵ 2018, Blue Jays’ fever was close to an all-time h̵i̵g̵h̵ low. The team was coming off of b̵a̵c̵k̵-̵t̵o̵-̵b̵a̵c̵k̵ ̵A̵L̵C̵S̵ ̵a̵p̵p̵e̵a̵r̵a̵n̵c̵e̵s̵ an injury-plagued, calamitous 76–86 season that had them a game out of the AL East cellar and returned with their rotation more-or-less intact, as well as most of their s̵t̵a̵r̵t̵i̵n̵g̵ ̵l̵i̵n̵e̵u̵p̵ worst contracts. Even with E̵d̵w̵i̵n̵g̵ ̵h̵a̵v̵i̵n̵g̵ ̵f̵l̵o̵w̵n̵ ̵t̵h̵e̵ ̵c̵o̵o̵p̵ ̵f̵o̵r̵ ̵C̵l̵e̵v̵e̵l̵a̵n̵d̵ Joey Bats remaining unemployed, there was no reason to think this team wouldn’t remain competitive. However, from about d̵a̵y̵ ̵f̵o̵u̵r̵ ̵o̵f̵ ̵t̵r̵a̵i̵n̵i̵n̵g̵ ̵c̵a̵m̵p̵ opening day — when Josh Donaldson’s c̵a̵l̵f̵ ̵p̵o̵p̵p̵e̵d̵ shoulder died — the season seemed like it was under a voodoo hex. What started with a lot of promise ended up with 3̵3̵ ̵g̵a̵m̵e̵s̵ ̵o̵f̵ ̵L̵u̵k̵e̵ ̵M̵a̵i̵l̵e̵ John Axford and Tyler Clippard starting games, and S̵i̵d̵ ̵S̵e̵i̵x̵e̵i̵r̵o̵ ̵t̵e̵l̵l̵i̵n̵g̵ ̵y̵o̵u̵ ̵t̵o̵ ̵”̵S̵t̵a̵y̵ ̵W̵o̵k̵e̵”̵ ̵i̵n̵ ̵p̵o̵s̵s̵i̵b̵l̵y̵ ̵t̵h̵e̵ ̵m̵o̵s̵t̵ ̵i̵g̵n̵o̵r̵a̵n̵t̵ ̵a̵d̵ ̵o̵f̵ ̵a̵l̵l̵ ̵t̵i̵m̵e̵ I have no idea what ads Sportsnet is running this year, as I got MLB.tv this season. Absolutely life changing, you should try it.
Now, it’s four months later, the trade deadline has come and gone, and the Jays are s̵i̵x̵ five TEAMS back of the second wild card. So if you’re still around, congratulations! You’ve just signed up to watch another ten starts from M̵i̵k̵e̵ Sam Frickin’ B̵o̵l̵s̵i̵n̵g̵e̵r̵ Gaviglio! The withered husk of J̵o̵s̵e̵ ̵B̵a̵u̵t̵i̵s̵t̵a̵ Russell Martin is still b̵a̵t̵t̵i̵n̵g̵ ̵l̵e̵a̵d̵o̵f̵f̵ …somehow the Jays 2nd most valuable player by bWAR! E̵z̵e̵k̵i̵e̵l̵ ̵C̵a̵r̵r̵e̵r̵a̵ Aledmys Diaz is the third best hitter on the entire team! R̵Y̵A̵N̵ ̵G̵O̵I̵N̵S̵ ̵i̵s̵ ̵o̵n̵ ̵p̵a̵c̵e̵ ̵t̵o̵ ̵p̵l̵a̵y̵ ̵1̵3̵4̵ ̵g̵a̵m̵e̵s̵! The lineup is actually a lot better than last year’s, I guess I could complain about Yangervis Solarte? Pat Tabler still exists!
Never fear though, my friends. I’m right here suffering with you (…again). And I have just the rub. Since this shitshow still has two months left in it (and has had us hitting the bottle since the spring anyway), I decided to give us a little fun out of the deal! (It’s also since we somehow made it through this same godawful mess last season.) So, without further ado, I, Grandstand Central, and Alcoholics Anonymous present to you…
THE BLUE JAYS DRINKING GAME TO GET YOU THROUGH THE REST OF 2̶0̶1̶7̶ 2018.
Take One Drink Every Time…
- The Jays ground into a double play. (Twice if it’s a 6–4–3)
- Pat Tabler gives an eyeroll-inducingly obvious piece of analysis. (ex. “In a 3–1 count, you want to try for extra bases if you can.”)
- Buck Martinez says “GET UP, GET UP!” on a fly ball. (Two more if the ball stays in the park.)
- John Gibbons is shown on camera. (Twice if he’s eating or drinking something.)
- You hear “This is a big/important/key at-bat/out for the Jays”.
- A report is given by Hazel Mae/Arash Madani/Jamie Campbell.
- Buck or Tabby reference t̶h̶e̶ ̶2̶0̶1̶5̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶2̶0̶1̶6̶ ̶s̶e̶a̶s̶o̶n̶s̶ Vladdy Jr. in any way.
- The game is held up while either team decides whether to review a play (Twice if they decide to actually review it.)
- Buck or Tabby cite a completely irrelevant or outdated stat as significant information (ex. “Kevin Pillar is one double away from hitting 30 doubles for the 4th straight season, putting him in the company of Mookie Betts” [that is an actual stat, btw].)
- A̶ ̶B̶l̶u̶e̶ ̶J̶a̶y̶ ̶t̶a̶k̶e̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶ ̶a̶t̶-̶b̶a̶t̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶a̶ ̶b̶a̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶v̶e̶r̶a̶g̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶l̶o̶w̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶M̶e̶n̶d̶o̶z̶a̶ ̶L̶i̶n̶e̶.̶ Huh, even Russ has his average up over .200 right now.
- Replacement rule: A player who is currently injured is referenced. (twice more if the mythical Troy Tulowitzki is mentioned)
- You hear the “Let’s Go Blue Jays” organ tune (you know the one).
- The Jays boot a routine play in the field (Twice if Teoscar Hernandez misplays a ball in the outfield)
- An umpire blows a call (including a ball/strike call that K-Zone clearly proves wrong).
- Buck/Pat repeat a piece of analysis they already gave earlier in the inning, or in the current hitter’s previous at-bat, or in the previous sentence.
Take Two Drinks Every Time…
- Buck or Tabby make it clear that they either don’t like or don’t understand any analytics-related practice or stat (ex: Tabby derides defensive shifts).
- Through characteristic combinations of strikeouts, popups or double plays, the Jays strand a runner in scoring position with less than two outs (drink for each runner stranded).
- Kevin Pillar leaves his feet while playing centre field.
- The Jays’ hitters top the ten strikeout mark for the game.
- A̶ ̶J̶a̶y̶s̶’̶ ̶h̶i̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶s̶t̶r̶i̶k̶e̶s̶ ̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶s̶w̶i̶n̶g̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶h̶r̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ ̶a̶ ̶b̶r̶e̶a̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶b̶a̶l̶l̶.̶
- Replacement Rule: A Blue Jay who was not in the Major Leagues to begin the season takes an at-bat.
- You see a corporate-sponsored segment. (ex: “The Honda Drive of the Game Presented by the WestJet Flight Deck Call Down to Rogers.”)
Take Three Drinks Every Time…
- G̵r̵e̵g̵g̵ ̵Z̵a̵u̵n̵ ̵r̵i̵p̵s̵ ̵t̵h̵e̵ ̵J̵a̵y̵s̵’̵ ̵f̵o̵r̵ ̵a̵ ̵m̵i̵s̵t̵a̵k̵e̵ ̵t̵h̵a̵t̵ ̵m̵o̵s̵t̵ ̵v̵i̵e̵w̵e̵r̵s̵ ̵w̵o̵u̵l̵d̵n̵’̵t̵ ̵u̵n̵d̵e̵r̵s̵t̵a̵n̵d̵ ̵o̵r̵ ̵h̵a̵v̵e̵ ̵n̵o̵t̵i̵c̵e̵d̵.̵
- Replacement Rule: You forget who Jamie Campbell’s partner in-studio is today.
- The Jays send out a pitcher w̵h̵o̵ ̵c̵o̵u̵l̵d̵ ̵b̵e̵ ̵a̵ ̵r̵a̵n̵d̵o̵m̵l̵y̵ ̵g̵e̵n̵e̵r̵a̵t̵e̵d̵ ̵p̵l̵a̵y̵e̵r̵ ̵i̵n̵ ̵M̵L̵B̵:̵ ̵T̵h̵e̵ ̵S̵h̵o̵w̵.̵ ̵(̵L̵u̵i̵s̵ ̵S̵a̵n̵t̵o̵s̵?̵!̵ ̵C̵o̵m̵e̵ ̵o̵n̵!̵)̵ with an ERA over 5. Also, drink for every inning this pitcher appears in.
- J̵o̵s̵e̵ ̵B̵a̵u̵t̵i̵s̵t̵a̵ ̵b̵a̵r̵k̵s̵ ̵a̵t̵ ̵a̵n̵ ̵u̵m̵p̵i̵r̵e̵ ̵o̵r̵ ̵o̵p̵p̵o̵s̵i̵n̵g̵ ̵p̵l̵a̵y̵e̵r̵.̵
- Replacement Rule: The Wild Card/AL East standings are shown, for some reason.
- A pitcher you’re pretty sure is in your slo-pitch league dominates the Jays.
Finish Your Drink If…
- Kendrys Morales legs out an extra-base hit OR the back end of a double play ball, OR scores from first on a ball in play. Pretty much, finish your drink if Morales actually runs.
- John Gibbons gets tossed.
BONUS:
- Start the game with a shot/shotgun if Dan Shulman is doing the play-by-play, or Troy Tulowitzki is playing in the game (don’t worry, this won’t ever happen) OR a reliever starts the game on the mound for the Jays.
Series specific rules (allow two per series):
(Ex: while facing the Angels, drink every time Mike Trout being on the DL is mentioned, while facing the Yankees, drink every time Aaron Judge is shown/mentioned while he isn’t on the field)
1._________________________________________________________________
2._________________________________________________________________
Here are some pocket sized printable cheatsheets so that you don’t have to be that tool with your laptop in front of you at a pub:
Happy drowning your sorrows Jays fans, and see you in 2018, or well, 2019, or f̵u̵c̵k̵ ̵i̵t̵,̵ ̵t̵h̵e̵ ̵Y̵a̵n̵k̵s̵ ̵h̵a̵v̵e̵ ̵A̵a̵r̵o̵n̵ ̵J̵u̵d̵g̵e̵ ̵n̵o̵w̵.̵ ̵L̵e̵t̵’̵s̵ ̵a̵i̵m̵ ̵f̵o̵r̵ ̵2̵0̵3̵5̵. Actually, he’s not amazing anymore and we have PROSPECTS!!! I’m aiming for 2021.
Until then, at least we’re all in this together.
Keep your head up out there.
Gord Randall is a senior writer and podcast host for Grandstand Central. He is also the lead analyst on “Krown Countdown U” on CHCH TV and 3downnation.com. You can follow him here, and listen to him weekly on ‘Schtick to Sports’.
