The importance of having challenging conversations
The challenge
Last week I met with a community team member who brought up several concerns around another team member’s behaviour. We discussed what could be done to overcome the issues. We came up with several solutions including agreeing values, centring collaboration, and clarifying how to make decisions as a team in order to share power. One thing was unavoidable — the dreaded challenging conversation ahead.
For me this has always been, well, a challenge, as the name signifies. Brought up with the sayings ‘it’s nice to be nice’ and ‘if you haven’t got anything good to say, don’t say anything at all’ etched into my consciousness, working on this is taking me on a personal journey. Through coaching, I’ve realised that I do have a challenging style that I feel comfortable with, usually playful challenges to push someone into seeing things differently or get to some new insight. But what of the times when someone is just not upholding the values that you share or is not pulling their weight? Going head first into those conversations makes my stomach churn.
The pep talk
So I have to pep myself up. Reminding myself of the need for this kind of conversation — to get us closer to achieving the mission. Dealing with arising issues prioritising short term discomfort now to try and avoid more long term discomfort going forwards. Things left to tangle up are much harder to unpick. Although it can feel uncomfortable, we need to prioritise the purpose of our collective teams, above the needs of an individual who is being disruptive. It’s also showing the teams that they can have these conversations with each other and people who join in their mission. Don’t let your movement turn into a playground.
The conversation
I don’t want to give this conversation an apologetic air or confuse the person by making indirect references to the issues. I remind myself of Brene Brown ‘Clear is kind’. I prepare what I want to share. Clear, direct, focused on the impact on the team and working out solutions together rather than shaming the behaviours. I try not to hold my breath as I look the person in the eyes and deliver the most direct observation. I approach the conversation with ‘I feel’ and ‘I have experienced’ statements, our feelings cannot be argued with. The person I am speaking to shares that they have been struggling with the role and opens up about this. I was unaware. We get to a place of shared solutions going forwards. As we say goodbye, they thank me for holding them accountable. Phew. Wait, is that… positive reinforcement for taking on a challenging conversation? Well, well done me.
The feelings that linger
It’s not all kittens and roses, as very quickly I have to navigate irritation from the person who originally shared their issues. They did not take on the conversation, and so hold on to the concerns and feelings around that, despite my best attempts to share the solutions agreed. I strongly encourage them to meet with the person to discuss, which they do not. I had my own concerns so it was appropriate for me to share them in this situation, though I have been reflecting that having that challenging conversation is not something that can be done on another’s behalf. My conversation may provide some reflection and insight on the issues, but feelings around issues will remain unless you tackle them directly.
Looks like another challenging conversation may be on the horizon…..
