Making Panic

My goal for a long time has been to transition from a client-reliant Designer to a self-sufficient Artist. At least as much as one can be. To rid myself of relying solely on other people to hire me and to do something on my own, in my own way, that other people enjoy. I suppose I’d like to be Sheppard Fairey.

I’m not sure what I want to make though, or what such a transition looks like. I don’t feel like there is anything that needs to come out of me in creative form. I’m interested in a few different things, but nothing really grabs me. I don’t think there is an artistic voice or bigger-than-me goal I want to achieve.

Wouldn't it be nice to create for myself without the feeling of it being a waste of time or that the time could be better spent creating something that will surely pay my bills? The fear of, and being so close to, being poor as an independent Designer / artist is great and stifling.

What do I want to make? Because there are many things I'm interested in, that’s part of the problem too— option paralysis. Which thing is worthwhile and can be creatively sustainable? Which might have the potential to become a full-time commitment so I don’t have to worry about where the next client project will come from? I’m 38, will I ever find this again? It was a lot easier at 15 when I just wanted to draw cars and athletes but that’s not in me anymore. I feel like I’m at a fork in the road and choosing the wrong route will be total destruction. A mistake I will never recover from.

What do I want to make? I wish I didn’t have to do anything for a while. What would I do if I had a year of savings to do whatever I wanted? I don’t know. Without the pressures of meeting monthly expenses, I’d probably spend a lot of time and money just being in the world. I’d love to have an afternoon to walk through Central Park without feeling like I need to get back to my desk soon because the end of the month is approaching and there are only a couple of months of savings left and I don’t know when the next project or check is coming in or how long it will take to get paid once it does. No time to relax.

I don’t feel a desire to make anything in particular, but a need to make things because that’s how I stay housed. My hobbies became passions which became a profession and now… I kind of just want to walk through Central Park for an afternoon and not worry about making anything.