Pounding…
…forward in forgiveness training.
My head is pounding. My thoughts are resounding. My nose is running. I am sad. I am angry, too. This self-loathing, ugh. Unconscious guilt, ew. It makes sense and I know it to be true, but damn if I can’t let it go….I instead, choose to allow it to brew & brew & brew...
Stewing in my mind is sewage…churning chit and piss. Round and round and round again. Nothing but a mess; that which does not even exist. And yet, I give value to the valueless.
This self-centeredness is appalling. It makes me sick. I project it upon my body and outward on to you. Projectile vomit. Nastiness, concealing truth. Ruthlessly dark and obtuse.
I have been contemplating how ugly this “world” really is. It is heartbreaking. How can everyone not be focused on self? It is apparent salvation. It is seemingly the only way to divert attention from the hopelessness of this nightmare. I am relieved that this world is not reality. Now if only I can be free from giving it false power over my attitudes and, quite frequently, my actions. Hmmmm….
There was something I read this morning in ACIM, “All solutions the physical eye seeks dissolve.” Oh, how I love that sentence. It has proven to be right on point in my life. Anytime I seek a solution outside of myself, outside of Spirit, it will turn to dust right before my eyes. Maybe not immediately, but eventually for certain. There has never been an exception. Not ever. Not even once.
So. I have noticed lately my exalting through my ego via expectations on others. When can I rise to sainthood and not experience this agony????? It totally sucks. I see them as they sprout up. I notice them immediately. Rather than ignore these presumptions, I pull them up and pin them to me as my own, then I point that finger outward….bleh, bleh, bleh. Ouch. It blows. Just sayin’. Aye. Continuing the practice….of self-forgiveness. A never-ending training, indeed!
Today’s Lesson fills me with such love…so I’m switching gears and moving into my True State. Whew. That is what my writing is all about for me, after all. Processing MEgo shit and turning it around. I yearn to not process it but C’est la vie! Perhaps one day I won’t find it necessary…until then!
“God is the Love in which I forgive.” Isn't that just lovely?!?! It is a soul hugged of a statement! When I embrace self-forgiveness my light shines brightly. It is then, and only then, when I am able to be used as a conduit of Go(o)d….Love. Yummy. I think I’ll take it!
That in turn, well, returns me to Gratitude.
I’m grateful that I may choose not to over-analyze or even analyze everything anymore. What a relief. I intended to write something else but I do not recall what it was. I cannot seem to keep my train of thought lately. Dissolution!!!
I’m grateful that even though I am not feeling well physically, well, it’s all for something and I don’t need to know what that is. Trusting. (I can easily beat myself up for identifying with my body…but choosing not to!!!)
I’m grateful for communication with my babies.
I’m grateful for bulldog love.
I’m grateful that when I start to get caught up in the stories, i.e., my children, my job (lack of one), my previous employer, etc., I can exhale and let go. All ficticious ramblings of my ego…with no place in the here, in the now.
I’m grateful for a lovely Valentine’s Day with my sweetie, well, after we aired some things. I love him will all that I am. & that’s everything!
I’m grateful for the reprieve I have whensoever I want it. What a cozy security blanket!
I’m grateful to be willing and able to think of others today, to step out in love. It’s not all about me. I do better when I’m not self-seeking…oh, so much better!
I’m grateful for all all all that I need, not one need is unmet! I am also grateful for so many of my wants and desires, too. Very blessed. Beyond measure.
I’m grateful for LOVE. Amen! Indeedy!
