The Nordic Track I Just Dumped Off At Goodwill: A Review

The Nordic Track allows you to pretend you’re cross-country skiing while you exercise in the comfort of your own house. Most of the illusion comes from the fake skis that you jerk back and forth with your legs. These skis are incredibly dangerous, killing cats and breaking ankles with surprising regularity. There is also a rope and pulley system designed so that you can swing your arms about wildly as you exercise. They in no way simulate the arm motions of a clinically sane cross country skier, but they are useful for punching your roommate in the face by accident.

I think I last rode this Nordic Track in 2007. Since then, it has been an oddly-shaped burden: difficult to store and impossible to lift without injury. I moved it into storage after the birth of my daughter because it cannot be used near small children. It is extremely dangerous for any small creatures that may be living on your carpet.

The device sat in storage for at least five years. I spent more money keeping it in a small room than my wife spent on the original purchase. When we moved to a house with a garage, I emptied out the storage unit and damaged my car moving the heavy, unbalanced hunk of wood and metal into the corner where it would spend the next five years. It was not forgotten. Each time I walked near it, it fell on me or entangled itself with whatever thing I needed in the garage.

As a joke, the Nordic Track folds up into a form that is equally inconvenient but with swinging metal bars designed to hurt you. It is a dangerous thing to turn your back on. Also, it now filled with spiders.

I apologize to Goodwill for donating a contraption that can only bring pain and inconvenience. If you see my Nordic Track in a thrift store and you have a choice between it and a monkey’s paw, please choose the one that seems less cursed. My guess is it’s the monkey paw.

Final Verdict:

Fuck this thing I am so glad it’s finally out of my life.