The Toilet Paper at Work: A Review

After many, many unsatisfactory trips to the office bathroom, I feel compelled to write a review. I do this under duress. It is with a heavy heart that I even attempt to cover this topic.

The toilet paper in the men’s room is terrible.

It is also so thin as to be nearly transparent. I’m not sure why office services has decided that toilet paper is a good place to cut corners, but I assure you that the one-ply on offer is not saving you any money whatsoever. I am improvising my own ten-ply paper with the raw materials you have left in the stall, and even that is insufficient. A wad the size of a snowball is required to provide even a modicum of safety.

On a related note, it should be against company policy to trick someone into touching their own butthole during work hours. I hereby formally request that HR look into this scandal.

Where are you finding this terrible product? What horrible company is selling this abomination to the office workers of our fine country? If you work at a company that manufactures see-through toilet paper and you are reading this: Please, I beg of you, improve your product. Do your job better so that I can do mine without cramming a wad of crumpled garbage into my ass crack.

One brief thought for those of you in quality control: If you pull on a roll of toilet paper and the perforation does nothing and the paper rips up the middle instead, burn the entire factory down and start over. There is nothing to be salvaged from what you have created.

In conclusion, the toilet paper in our building is just barely better than nothing. Do better.