Today I’m grateful for wonky cafe tables
The Earth’s surface is not uniformly flat, there are things like mountains and tree roots and grassy knolls. Come to think of it, God really did a number on us. The poor-workmanship of both Jesus and local table-makers makes it near-impossible to have outdoor seating without an element of wonkiness. Those adjustable things on the bottom of table legs do a B-minus job but all you need is a feather touch from a careless crossing of the legs and next thing you’ve got yourself a serious case of Egg Leg.
We need a solution. A solution so complex it would make Google want to kill itself from embarrassment.
We need some folded up paper.
Folded up paper is the perfect solution to a wonky table because it’s not just a brilliant table stabiliser, it’s a social equaliser. All cafes have to do is leave a napkin or half a page of yesterday’s paper somewhere at the table, a couple of personal favourites include under the condiments container or stuck to the underside of the table, Godfather style. It can’t be pre-folded or else it’ll look like a setup. It can’t be scrunched because once you unscrunch it it’ll never enjoy a tight fold again.
As customers we have the important role in this charade of making it look like we solve practical issues like this in our sleep. Here’s how it should go down:
Step 1: Take a seat at a cafe table.
Step 2: Gently rock the table and sigh gently. Now you need something to help draw attention of your fellow diners to your plight. To this end I recommend knocking something onto the ground — a salt shaker is perfect — light enough to remain intact yet heavy enough to make a noticeable noise.
Step 3: Pick up the shaker while sheepishly glancing at your fellow diners. You do not have time to scoop up the remainder of the salt, come back to it later. Your 10-second window of peoples’ attention starts now, so you have to use it wisely.
Step 4: As you’re finishing up with your sheepishness take a quick look at the responsible table leg, letting everyone know it wasn’t your old gammy war injury or irregular heartbeat that caused the spill.
Step 5: Let out a bit of a sigh again, the very same sigh a movie villain gives when the tied-up action hero indicates he wants to do things the hard way. Like it’s just a minor inconvenience for a ball of pragmatism like yourself, you’re going to fix the situation no matter what. Play it the way you see fit. Have some fun with it.
Step 6: Put your hands on every inch of the table like Artie Ziff on prom night until you find some paper.
Step 7: Fold the paper as many times as it takes to fit under the table leg. You might not get it perfect the first time, but as long as you get it under the leg within 10 seconds you’ll be fine.
Step 8: Go back to reading your book without looking around. It’s important to be casual but not too casual. Too much casualness will cause suspicion.
Step 9: Swallow some Strepsils because you’ll be telling the ladies your phone number all morning.
I’m grateful for wonky cafe tables because they make me look like a manly go-getter when in reality I’m just a delicate flower whose hands have been soaking in ivory liquid for 34 years.
