Habits… Our key to cultivating a life abundant with “feel good” moments

So last time we landed at the lofty conclusion that the purpose of ones’ life is to “feel good” in the moment. Be it laughing with friends, serving others, shaping our world, fostering relationships, Netflix and chill… Do what makes you “feel good” and prioritise your finite time on this planet to cultivate as much of this juicy “goodness” in each moment. Simples!

Or, depending on your situation and circumstance this might sound incredibly trivial, massively idealistic, or perhaps widely unpractical…

From my perspective, where I am sitting right now it just sounds INCREDIBLY HARD!

Some of the questions whirling around my tiny brain: How do I truly know what makes me “feel good”? What about all the things that make me “feel good” now, but bring me pain later? How do I chip-away at all my ingrained thoughts and habits that often make me “feel bad”? How do I block out all the noise, influence and crap from the outside world that gets in my way? Oh, and assuming I could do all that — how do I enjoy this moment right now, and not just keep seeking the next “feel good” moment?

As always, there are a lot of exciting questions to explore over the coming weeks, months, years… Even lifetime(s)!

In today’s ramblings we are going to explore some of the habits that distract and deter us from our “feel good” moments. Why you ask?

Because to change your life, you must first change your habits.

• Our lives are defined by “feel good” moments
• Our “feel good” moments are shaped by our emotions, thoughts and actions
• Our emotions, thoughts and actions are driven by our beliefs and interpretations
• Our beliefs and interpretations are governed by our ingrained and subconscious habits
• Therefore, it is our habits that define our lives. We must seek to throw out the bad and nourish the good

Warning: This is a bit of a long one… Get a cuppa chai!

An account of my “feel good” day

First, let’s make a rather large assumption: You know what makes you “feel good”… Let’s park this this for now… but fear not — we will be returning at a later date!

So assuming I am clear on what makes me “feel good”, this morning I set-off on my journey of cultivating “feel good” moments. Here is a short account of my “feel good” day:

Inspired: I start my day with a tasty bowl of oats, complete my magic morning routine (cheers Tim), and set my “feel good” goals for the day #smug

Massive anger: On the way to work, I take my eye of the road for a minute and the rickshaw driver turns the wrong f*cking way #India… The driver gives me a look that says “it’s not my fault — you are the foreign idiot”… My Hindi is dire, so I shout at him in English and storm out the rickshaw throwing 40 rupees (50p/60cents) behind me

Regret: I take a deep breath and “pull myself together”… I am so annoyed with myself for reacting in such a pathetic way. Surely I am better than that?!

Overwhelmed: Now sitting at my desk, my exciting “feel good” goals have turned into the reality of a full inbox and putting out fires

Defensive: In our team meeting my work just got criticised big-time… I am now in the middle of fight mode, defending and arguing my point of view… Fight fire with fire!

Sulky: Turns out fighting fire with fire doesn’t always (ever) work… So I will just sit here and sulk instead. That’s got to be the best option…

Loved: After the meeting, I call my lover for some serious moaning. She tells me how amazing I am and that she will cook a delicious meal for tonight

Hungry: All that talk about food has made be hungry. I sit down for lunch and guzzle my curry down in under 2 minutes. Man’s gotta eat!

Engrossed: After lunch I am lost in my emails, to-do’s, meetings… Time flies when you are mega important and busy doing

Distracted and a little jealous: Friends’ Facebook photos just popped up… Looks likes I missed an epic holiday #FOMO

Anxious: Back at home for the evening and today’s “feel good” goals feel far away… Should I have done something different? Something more?

Point being… On a daily basis, even with the best intentions, things don’t go our way. We get hijacked by our emotions and thoughts

The day is filled with so much chatter, distraction, self-grief… And it feels like we have such little control in those moments of anger and anxiety. Stress occurs when your reality does not match your expectations — and that seems like ALL THE TIME! Do we lower our expectations? Or do we change our reality?

A wise man (Stoic philosopher Epictetus) offers some food for thought: “Men are disturbed not by events but by their opinion about events.”

It is our beliefs and interpretations that drive our emotions and thoughts

Following this school of thought, it is not the person looking at you in a certain way (the event) that causes your emotion or action, but it is how you interpret the person looking at you and what you perceive his look to mean i.e. “(I perceive that) he looks self-righteous and is looking at me like I am an idiot”.

At the heart of all our thoughts, emotions and actions are certain beliefs, expectations or interpretations of the world.

To make matter’s even more bewildering, these expectations and interpretations are often out-dated, inaccurate, irrational and self-detrimental.

Nuff said. So let’s just change our beliefs and interpretations

If only life was so easy. Our beliefs and interpretations are deeply ingrained, and we have been conditioned over decades to see the world in a certain way. These beliefs and interpretations are entrenched habits, and like any habit — they require deep understanding, motivation, unlearning and hard work to change.

“Our beliefs are like a pair of glasses we have worn for so long, we forget we’re wearing them”

Further, the majority (95%) of the time we are not even aware of the habitual interpretations that govern our emotions and behaviour. Habits are the background processes that govern our lives. They are sub-consciously driven and we just auto-pilot them.

We are creatures of habit… Habits are the backbone of everything we do. Habits determine our “feel good” moments… Habits determine our lives!

The thoughts and actions we repeat each day shape the lives we live and the results we experience. Habits are not just a feature within our lives, they are the sculptor of our lives.

“All of Our Life Is Nothing but a Mass of Habits”

• Your relationships? A result of your communication habits.
• Your career? A result of your productivity and creativity habits.
• Your health? A result of your diet and exercise habits.
• The list goes on…

We have good habits and bad ones. Some make us more productive and help us perform well, while others make it difficult to do anything else. Some guide and help us cultivate “feel good” moments, while others do nothing but impeded these moments. Regardless of their nature, our habits make up our life — as another wise man (psychologist and philosopher William James) says:

“If habits are the ingredients, you may want to consider how many bad ones you allow yourself to keep”

Habits are hard to break…But not impossible

This is where it gets REALLY exciting! How do we break bad habits and form good habits?

From where I am standing the bad news is that this seems really tough. The good news is that all of us can change our habits. The wisest of men and contemporary neuroscience agrees that our psyche is malleable and ever changing. We can unlearn and re-train our brains to break the old and form the new. But there are no shortcuts… “It take on average 66 days to break a habit”, but motivation and persistence are not enough…It requires a deep understanding and a solid strategy!

SO HOW DO I CHANGE MY HABITS AND TAKE BACK CONTROL!!

The billion dollar question my friend… And will be the topic of many future blog posts. There are LOTS of “habit changing” books, courses and apps out there. As with everything in life, we need to experiment and see what works. And what works for me, might not work for you. Pick one, go deep, and see! Do, fail, reflect, learn, and then try something different!

Urgh… this feels like a lot of hard work!

Ummm yes… It is hard work. But it is also 100% within our control. It is our duty to break away from the habits that drag you down. Choose something different. Choose to cultivate those “feel good” moments. Choose to express the highest version of yourself moment to moment to moment. Choose YOU!

So, I ask you: How well do you really understand all your “habits”?

Quality is not an act, it is a habit. Aristotle

Happiness is a habit — cultivate it. Elbert Hubbard

Lesson #3: Habits govern our lives…

Today is an opportunity to better understand all our beliefs and interpretations that shape our thoughts, emotions and actions…

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