Christmas at Apple

“Phil… been thinking…” Tim Cook is looking through Apple’s Holiday Gift Guide.

“Oh yeah?” Phil Schiller looks up from his screen.

“Yeah… I mean… when we say like ‘iPad Pro, the perfect gift for your father’…”


“Well, like, who fucking buys their parents an iPad Pro? Or a MacBook Pro? Know what I mean? Like, who strolls into an Apple Store and thinks, I know, I’ll pick up an iPhone X for my aunt, she’ll love it.”

“Plenty of people-”

“Jony,” Tim shouts across to Jony Ive, “What about you?”

“I mean, I give my mum my old iPad when I upgrade. Wife gets the old iPhone. And even that is like, you know, it’s a fucking good present. But a brand new one?” Jony whistles through his teeth, “Nah, mate. Nah. Not really.”

“And we’re literally on millions!” Tim starts laughing, “You imagine what normal people must think, when we tell them to buy their nephew a MacBook Pro? Come off it Phil.”

“Fuck you Tim! I bought my wife a MacBook last Christmas!”

“Yeah you did, you’re right... you did do that” Tim affirms.

“Thank you.” Phil nods once.

“… Because you were in the doghouse!”

Jony starts laughing at this, “Oh shit! What he do? What did you do Phil?”

“Ah leave it out guys.”

“Tell him!”

“Nah, had enough of you two.”

Tim’s really laughing now. He uses a hankerchief to dab away tears.

“It was him and his wife’s anniversary a couple months before. And guess what he got her?” Tim says, eyes filled up again.

“What?!” Jony is grinning, his eyes dart between Tim and Phil and back to Tim.

“A fucking iTunes voucher!” Tim can barely get the words out, “ask how much!”

“Go on, how much?!” Jony is silent-laughing, his entire body is shaking.

“20 bucks!”

Jony lets out a belly laugh. A roar. Tim is doubled over.

“Fuck you Tim.” Phil is angry, he turns to Jony, “Fuck you Jony, how’s the HomePod coming along?”

“Piss off Phil.” Jony says, still laughing.

“Oh still delayed? Was really looking forward to that mate.”

“Yeah yeah...”

“Gonna be a quiet Christmas in Apple households isn’t it prick. Fucking silent.”

“Mate. At least I do stuff. What do you do? Fucking marketing? You make posters.”

“Get fucked.”

“Don’t even make the posters, you pay someone to make posters.”

“Don’t act like your job’s so hard. All you do is say ‘no’ one thousand times. Then you say yes. So fucking easy I made a marketing campaign out of your entire job.”

“Ok guys, calm it down.” Tim intervenes.

Jony and Phil turn their heads to face Tim.

“Oh that’s rich.” Phil says,

“Yeah,” Jony carries on, “Tim Cook. The man who tours the world repeating ‘We think customers are going to love it.’

“Real hard work.” Phil adds as he shakes his head.

All three men look at each other and laugh.

“Fucking love you guys.”