Steve Jobs reviews Apple TV 4K
“I just… I’ll tell you what my problem is.” Tim Cook hadn’t asked but Steve Jobs is going to tell him anyway.
Tim is trying to work but Steve is bored and watching Samsung unveil their new range of shit.
“These tech YouTubers. I like them. I just, they’re so excited for all technology.”
Tim nods but doesn’t look up from his 12 inch iPad Pro.
“You know what I mean? They’re excited for Apple but they’re also excited for Samsung. Samsung! Is this a millenial thing? Or a YouTube thing? Or… How can they get excited for those thieving tasteless shit-copiers?”
“Tasteless. It’s the ultimate sin, Tim.”
“Tell you what though Tim, Samsung have managed to copy the AirPower from scratch, completely rip it off and successfully produce it before we even released ours.”
“That’s a fuck up.”
Tim pushes his glasses up with his finger and sighs, “Steve. Haven’t you got anything else to do?”
“Yeah, yeah you’re probably right.”
Steve interlocks his hands and taps his thumbs together while looking around at nothing in particular.
Tim can sense him doing this but pretends to concentrate on the Numbers document on his iPad.
“How’s the Apple TV doing?”
Tim straightens his back awkwardly and keeps staring at the iPad.
“The Apple TV?”
“Can you believe the Apple TV is an older product than the iPhone? How crazy is that. Anyway, how’s it doing?”
“Yeah, I mean it’s fi–”
“Let’s see it. Let’s watch a movie.” Steve grins. But stares. And then slouches back on the sofa.
“Sure sure…” Tim stands up from his desk and turns on the TV in the corner of his office. He gets on his knees and opens up a small cabinet beneath the TV.
Steve leans and peers around him.
“It’s gotten bigger.”
“Yes. This is the Apple TV 4K…”
Tim hands Steve the Apple Remote.
“What’s this?” Steve says, looking down at his hand.
“You’re holding it upside-down.” Tim says.
Steve turns it around in his hand still staring down at it.
“Lot of buttons, Tim.”
Tim nods slowly.
“Tim, there’s a lot of buttons. Lot of buttons with different icons on them. One has a word on it. One has an elevated white rim. Lot of language going on here, Tim. The layout of the buttons... unintuitive. Seemingly random.”
“Oh God Tim what have you done. The first Apple Remote, it was similar to the iPod scroll wheel, right?”
“You could hold it in your hand and intuitively know where to press. You didn't have to look at it.”
“Well… what the fuck is this? Buttons everywhere.”
“Just… Let’s put a movie on Steve.” Tim’s getting aggravated.
Steve looks down at the remote and presses the Siri button, “Show me movies with–”
“No,” Tim interrupts, “You’ve got to hold the button down…”
“But on the iPhone you press and let go…”
“You hold it for a second…”
“But you don’t have to hold it down… So I hold it down like a walkie talkie?”
“Hey Siri, show me movies by Ashton Kutcher.”
Steve swipes across to the Aston Kutcher movie ‘Jobs’.
“Love this movie. I know it’s corny. I know the Danny Boyle movie is perfectly executed, but I just love this movie. Tim, this trackpad. Swiping to move the cursor unilaterally. It fucking sucks. It’s a lot of work for my thumb. Swiping is for innertia based movement. I should just be tapping left/right/up/down for this TV UI.”
Tim is rubbing his eyes.
Steve types the password to his Apple ID then pauses, “What do I do now? There’s no next button…”
“Press the track pad.”
“The track pad? That’s a button too?”
“How the fuck was I supposed to know that? So there’s, let me count, 7 buttons and a track pad?”
“Yes. You can play/pause the movie by pressing the trackpad.”
“But there’s a dedicated play/pause button on the remote?”
“So you’ve got 7 buttons and two of them do the same thing?”
“iPhone only needed one button.” Steve is scratching his head, “This remote. It shouldve been a trackpad with one home button. Like a mini iPhone. And that’s it. Work the UI from there. This is like, you made the UI and then got the guys to make the remote afterwards.”
The movie begins and Tim blows air out his cheeks silently so Steve doesn't hear.
“Honestly, Ashton Kutcher. He nailed it didn’t he. Look at him. What a likeness.”
Suddenly the movie starts fast forwarding. The scrubber appears along the bottom shooting forwards.
The movie stops, resumes playing, but is 25 minutes in.
Tim looks down.
“Your arm Steve, your arm’s touching the remote.”
“My fucking what?”
The Apple Remote is on the sofa resting against the side of Steve’s arm.
“Your arm activated the trackpad.”
Steve picks the remote up and the scrubber shoots sideways again.
“Fucking hell Tim, this is by far the worst Apple product I’ve ever–”
“Wrong way round.”
“What?” Steve is prodding at the trackpad.
“You’re holding it upside down.”
“YOU’RE HOLDING IT WRONG” Tim yells.