Steve Jobs reviews the iPhone X — pt. 3

The curtains open on the Steve Jobs Theatre to rapturous applause.

Backstage, a woman wearing a headset silently eyes Steve Jobs and gives the ‘You’re on’ sign.

“Steve! Wait! Before you go up, what do you think of these?” Tim Cook raises his hands open-palmed to his shoulders. He has an AirPod in each ear. He smiles and turns his head to one side.

“Dick earrings.” Steve says and jogs on stage.

“Thank you, thank you. We’re going to kick off this morning with an iPhone X Q&A. Ask me anything.”

Hands shoot up around the auditorium.

“Guy at the back.”

“Hi Steve. Do you think people will really pay upwards of $1000 for a phone?”

Steve turns his head to the side of the stage, “How much?!” he mouths to Phil Schiller.

Phil Schiller flashes all ten fingers.

“1000?!” Steve mouths, “Nice one!” He turns back to the audience member, squints and frowns, “Just a phone. Just a phone?”

The audience member nods.

“The greatest software engineers, hardware engineers, UI and product designers in the world have poured their hearts into this device. It’s your connection with all of humanity, as well a million other things. You use it every minute of every hour. It’s the single most important thing in your life next to food and water and love. An example of the greatest achievement of mankind.” Steve pauses to sip some water from a bottle, “an iPhone X is priceless. But if you don’t like it, don’t buy it. We’ll get the message.”

Steve points to another audience member.


“Hi Steve. What do you think about the lack of innovation at Apple since you died?”

“Lack of?” Steve squints his eyes even squintier.

“Innovation.” the man reaffirms.

“Innovation,” Steve repeats, “What do you mean?”

“Just, you know, innovation?”

“Can you quantify that?”

“I don’t know. There’s just a lack of it.”

“There’s a lack of something that you don’t know what it is?” Steve looks off-stage and does cross-eyes at Phil Schiller.

The man thinks for a second, “I don’t know what it is until you show it to me!” He grins, proud of his Apple reference, using one of Steve Jobs’ lines back at him.

“Now fucking listen here.” Steve points, “After the wheel was invented, you know what happened to the bunch of people who sat around moaning about coaches? Then the motorcar was invented and they were like ‘well yeah it’s ok but I mean, we’ve seen the whole wheel thing before. Not really that innovative. All they did was stick an engine on it’. You know what happened to those guys? Yeah me neither.” Steve sips from the water again. “There’s plenty of innovation, but after a huge cultural paradigm shift like the iPhone, innovation now happens on a granular level that is hard to sum up in a headline. NEXT!” He takes another sip.

A woman raises her hand, “But with the iPhone X, aren’t you just playing catch-up with Samsu-”

Steve Jobs spits water out everywhere, “When the fuck did everyone become so entitled? Hey, you want us to stop making these things? Hey Phil?” Steve faces off-stage again, “Phil?!

“Yeah?” Phil Schiller’s voice distant from back-stage.

“Should we stop making these things? Apparently we’re not innovative!”

“Yeah sure Steve! We’ve got our money anyway!”

“Yeah Phil, that’s what I was thinking! We’ve got our money, let’s just stop!”

“Go on a nice holiday.”

“Yeah a real nice holiday. For good. On my yacht. You seen my yacht Phil?”

“Yeah! Very innovative!”