Steve Jobs reviews WWDC18

“Ok, the good things out the way first.” Steve Jobs eyes Tim Cook.

“Ok…” Tim replies.

“Right. Now the bad.”

“Oh.”

Steve and Tim are sat in Tim’s office. They’re watching the WWDC18 keynote on a mounted TV.

“Pretty long isn’t it, buddy.”

“We had a lot to get through, Steve.”

“2 hours 16 minutes. Starts off with a beautiful video…”

“You think? The video was great right!” Tim smiles.

“…ripping the shit out of developers, like they’re nocturnal isolated freaks. Gotta hand it to you Tim, that took some balls considering we haven’t updated the Mac since I died. I’m surprised they’re still here at all!”

Tim nervously fiddles with the Digital Crown of his Apple Watch.

Next. The performance improvements across iOS. You know, that was genuinely great.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean it. Well done.”

“Ok!” Tim smiles.

“So good that Craig spent 2 whole minutes discussing it.”

“Oh.”

“Minutes 13, to minutes 15, Tim. Headline feature of the show and there’s not even a live demo.”

“Steve, a live demo of an app opening 40% faster is hardly compelling-”

NEXT. Next you get Adobe on. Fucking Adobe. To talk about AR? What was it about? 3D tools for AR?”

“Yes exactly, it’s really exciting-”

“Well I wouldn’t know because they didn’t show a single slide or demo anything. The guy tells everyone to find him later if they want to see it. Find him later?! Where? Behind the electric scooter sheds? Are you kidding.”

“Well-”

“RHETORICAL- NEXXXT. A ruler app. Well fuck me. This is incendiary stuff, Tim. You’ve excelled yourself here. Craig Federighi on stage measuring a suitcase!” Steve is shaking his head.

Tim shifts his weight in his chair and is swiping between Apple Watch faces but not looking. It rests on the Mickey Mouse one.

“Can this get any more boring, Tim? Hold up! You’ve updated the Stocks app. Oh thank fuck. You almost lost the crowd but no fear, here’s the Stocks app.”

“A lot of our users will benefit-”

“Assholes.”

“What?”

“Who looks at stocks, Tim? Assholes.”

Steve fast-forwards through the Siri announcement. Tim raises his finger but hesitates to speak.

Steve stops and plays the video, “Here. Tools to limit how much people use their iPhones.”

“Yes.” Tim nods affirmatively. Good, solid feature Tim thinks.

“Are you fucking crazy?”

“We think it’ll be very useful to certain-”

“You wanna give everybody fucking anxiety?! ‘TWO MINUTES OF INTERNET LEFT’ — It’s like dial-up internet all over again.”

Tim furrows his brow.

“What else will it tell you? ‘You spent 18 hours today hate-reading racist posts on twitter.’ I KNOW. I LIKE IT.”

Steve hits fast-forward again before Tim can reply.

Animoji zoom by.

Suddenly Steve stops the video on FaceTime allowing up to 32 people.

“Huh. Didn’t we launch that 8 years ago?”

“It turns out we forgot.”

“Ha! This bit, Tim!”

“What?”

“The woman who saved her dad from drowning by using her Apple Watch to call 911. ‘If it wasn’t for his Apple Watch he wouldn’t be here today.’” Steve is grinning at Tim.

“What??” Tim looks at Steve apprehensively.

“Bet that email went straight to your desk, eh. What a sell eh?! Get that quote up there at the keynote. Bet you couldn’t believe your fucking luck!”

“Steve! Have some class!”

“Better than any marketing shit Schiller could come up with, eh!”

“Steve!”

“Look at that glint in your eye. You dog!” Steve punches Tim’s arm. Tim pretends it hurts and rubs it.

“Tell you what, Tim. This bit had me fucking rolling on the floor.” Steve stops the video at the woman on the cycling machine demoing the new Apple Watch features while she furiously cycles at the same time.

“Fuck have you got this poor woman doing?!”

“It was all her idea Steve! We think it’s great fun.”

“Fucking crazy. I’ve never seen anything like this! She’s getting tired! Nearly as intense as Steve Ballmer screaming ‘developers’ the nutter.”

Steve skips to Craig Federighi announcing macOS Mojave.

“Christ everytime Craig says ‘Mojave’ I swear he’s doing an impression from Zoolander. Mo-har-vay. Mo-harrrr-vay.”

Tim is still nervously fiddling with his Apple Watch and wonders why they included two physical buttons on it.

“This bit.”

“Where?”

Steve pauses the video. Craig Federighi stands in front of the big screen with the words ‘Are you merging iOS and macOS?’ behind him.

Steve hits play.

No.’ slams down behind Craig.

Steve looks across at Tim and mouths ‘yes’.