Tim Cook and the HomePod (feat. Craig Federighi)
“Tim! What’s up!” Craig Federighi says, bouncing into Tim Cook’s office.
“HomePod’s going down a blast!”
“Yeah.” Tim is sat in his office. There’s a HomePod on his desk but it’s playing sad music. Violins.
“I mean, there’s the usual people saying the usual stuff. But on the whole people think it’s great.” Craig says beaming.
“That they do Craig.” Tim’s head is in his hands, he has a sad face on.
“Siri is fucking shit but the sound is great is basically what they’re saying. And, you know, after six years in development, I’m happy with that.”
“I mean, fuck the Siri guys, but the sound guys? Good on them. Pulled it out the bag.”
“Christ Tim, what the hell is up with you? And what’s with this fucking music? Get some Bruno Mars on or something.”
“I don’t know Craig. I’ve been thinking.”
“Oh Christ…” Craig sighs, “SIRI… PLAY. BRUNO. MARS. UPTOWN. FUNK.”
‘Playing. Bruno Mars. Uptown Funk.’ Siri replies.
Craig beams beamier and nods at Tim. The bass kicks in and Tim nods his head but keeps the sad face.
Craig starts clicking his thumb and middle finger. “Eh? Eh?!”
“Ahhh I can’t Craig. I can’t.”
“Fuck sake Tim. What is it?”
“This thought hit me.”
“What thought? A bad review? Everything’s going great!”
“That’s just it. Everything is going great.”
“Well… Fuck are you on about Tim?”
“Listen.” Tim looks up at Craig, “Everything’s going great right? We build stuff that is perfect. Literally fucking perfect.”
“Like the HomePod? Fuck me, it’s great. Really great. Look at it!” Tim points at it. “Look how fucking beautiful Jony made it.”
“It’s not that Consumer Reports review is it? They’re fucking up left right and centre at the-”
“Craig! Listen! Six years, yeah? We spent six years on it. And we made the best speaker you can buy for $349. The sound is beyond insane. We have an A8 chip boucing fucking sound waves around the room measuring the best possible output.”
“And all I’m saying is, like fuck, we’ve given people who can afford $349 the best speaker in the world.”
“CRAIG. What I’m saying is, like, is that really the best thing we could be doing?”
“Tim, I’m taking this to Steve if you don’t start making sense.”
Tim sighs, again, and walks over to the window. It overlooks Apple Park.
“Look at them all Craig. Spending every waking second making the most beautiful products in the world.”
“I see them Tim...”
“Imagine this, Craig. Imagine a world where instead of making these incredible products we simply helped people.”
“Ahhh fuck, Tim.”
“Simply helping people, Craig. Instead of everyone selfishly buying themselves the newest technology for themselves. Buying the new HomePod so they can listen to music. Buying an iPhone X so they can Instagram every day and get likes. iMac Pros because a MacBook Pro isn’t fast enough. AirPods, they’re crazy. iPads. The Watch. The fucking Watch.”
“Tim…” Craig takes slow side steps around Tim.
“It’s like the world is a fucking pyramid scheme and we’re at the top. How much money do we have now? How much cash are we sitting on?”
“Like… 270 billion...” Craig presses a discreet button underneath the desk.
“270 billion dollars. The world’s burning Craig. We’ve got 270 billion dollars and the world’s going to shit and we’re selling them nicer and nicer things.”
“Ok Tim…” Two security guards appear behind the window in the door. Craig eyes them, glances at Tim then back at the guards and does the finger across his throat motion.
Tim notices the movement and Craig kinda turns it into that dance from Pulp Fiction.
“Thing is Tim,” Craig says, now doing the full on Pulp Fiction dance, Bruno Mars still playing, “there’s no money in helping people...” Tim cocks his head confused at Craig’s prancing, “… No money, unless it’s a couple of percent skimmed off the top to prop-up brand identity… NOW!”
The guards, who’ve slowly entered the room, shoot a dart into Tim Cook’s neck. He drops to the floor.
“Fucking hell. Thanks guys.” Craig says to the guards.
“Having another one of his episodes eh?”
“Yeah too right. Christ.”
Craig carefully picks up Tim, drags him to his chair and slumps him in it. He sits opposite and does a crossword on his iPad Pro with an Apple Pencil and waits patiently.
After a few hours Tim slowly groans.
“Nothing Tim! You were out like a light. You remember what we were chatting about?”